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#411282 - 09/24/12 05:14 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1046
Hey TJP,

We're here for you, and the rush of powerful negative emotions that you're experiencing right now is a very common reaction to uncorking the bottle. These are all the bad feelings that you've had bottled up all these years finally coming to the surface for you to let them out.

It will pass. Just remember to breathe and let it flow through you like a cleansing river.

One thing you can work on in the meantime is this -- tell your wife that it is not cool to text you with stuff she is afraid to talk about face-to-face. Do not fall into her trap of talking about this over text message. You need her; cling to her; do not push her away. Have these conversations with her face-to-face.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#411291 - 09/24/12 06:38 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 117
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hi TJP

I understand all you are going trauht,sory for my spelling i am french speaking. Just to reassure you, it wiil get better honest. It take time, but it does get better. You are in a tremendus struglle on how to get back the power your friend as taken over you.

As for the questions if you are a abuser, recherch says only 3% of being abuse are abuser. and this 3 % is a world wide study. I know this as a fact because here in quebec (canada) we are the only university in the world that you can major in a bachaloria in sexologie. I had grate help whit therapist of all sort here.

But you have to understand that it is not the therapist that is important it is the confidence you have in him, read around here how to chose a therapist.

Take care ok TJP

Jean-Pierre

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#411301 - 09/24/12 08:10 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
Anamolous, I appreciate all the info. You have been a huge help in this journey that I am just now starting.

Gary, Thank you for the kind words, it means a lot to hear this right now. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that it is not my fault, and I did not want that, but like you said...it makes me feel better to hear it, but I do not know when I will start to believe it. This is all so strange and alien to me, I am used to living with this secret. I do not know what is harder...the fact that I was abused for the better part of my life, or the fact that people know about it now.

Jim, thank you for the welcoming, this site has really been a tremendous help to me and I have only been on here for two days. I like the idea of face to face, but I still have not even said it out loud to myself yet. It is easier for me to type something and close my eyes and hit send then it is for me to say it. I do not know if it will be different when I say it out loud or not?
I just have soooo many different thoughts and feelings, and I still do not know how to deal with them. I feel like I am riding an emotional roller coaster right now. Sometimes I am just mad at everything. Others, I cry all the way to work. Which is a 45 minute drive. Again, thank you!

Jean-Pierre, I am not one to judge on spelling ha! Though I do have to say, for being a french speaking gent, you do speak english well. I wish I could be bilingual. Back to the hard stuff, that is probably my worst fear. People thinking that I will abuse someone else. I have been waking up from nightmares that are of my wife taking my two daughters away from me. I could not bare the thought of that. It kills me to even think about it. If for one second I thought I was at risk to do something like that, I would eliminate myself from the equation so quickly because I could not handle knowing that my beatuiful little girls, who are litterally my everything, would go through what I am now. This may sound crazy, but if I think about the abuse, I think boy. Not girl. I would never abuse anyone, especially my own children. I dont know. This has just really discouraged me.I do not know if I will tell anyone else in my family because of it. Which is probably not good because I heard that the more you talk about it, the better you feel. Who knows, but thank you for your kind words and I appreciate everyone on here. I hope that one day I can be the one giving advice. For now, I will be taking my baby steps in the tidal wave of emotion and pain. Maybe I will find my surf board and learn to ride the wave instead of drown in it. Take care!

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#411338 - 09/25/12 02:51 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1354
Hi TJP,

As survivors we sometimes go through a huge shift of emotions and feelings, especially in the beginning.

The first time we say "I was sexually abused" can be terrifying and liberating at the same time. It is a secret many of us have held for years before disclosing it to anyone. After saying it, the feeling of freedom or liberation from that secret can be such that we feel like screaming it from the roof tops.

But I urge caution.

Know your audience. Before telling people, think about how they may react to the information.

I do NOT say this because I want you to feel shame.

I say this because I want you to be safe in whom you tell.

You do not, especially in the beginning when you are very raw with emotion, need to indiscriminately tell people who may react in ways that are harmful to you.

The fact you fear that telling your family may result in them reiterating the myth about the abused becoming abusers, suggests that telling them at this point in time may not be in your best interest. This is not to say you will never disclose this to them, but right now may not be the time.

Look at the reactions of both your wife and your mother - their first inclination was to ask you if you were also an abuser. You do not need to hear that, especially from those closest to you. Though those who ask that question may not intend to be harmful, that is exactly what it is. It also shows their lack of information about males who have been sexually abused. You do not need to be fighting against the most damaging myth (or any of the myths) at the same time you are starting to acknowledge to yourself that you were abused. Letting yourself realize and, perhaps, accept that you were abused and that you were not at fault is extremely difficult and painful. You are challenging your own long-held beliefs. You do not need the extra burden of educating those who have distorted, entrenched and harmful views regarding the sexual abuse of males.

This journey of healing is difficult enough without having the extra burden of having to educate people about sexual abuse and debunking the myths. You will face those challenges. In fact, you have already started to face them. You have been confronted with the most harmful myth, and it has caused you to feel hurt and misunderstood. Most of all, it has caused you to be afraid - afraid others will blame you for doing things that you have not, and would never, do.

For now, try to take as much stress off yourself as possible. Consider discussing these issues with someone safe, like a therapist. Bring people into your life who will be able to support you.

There is plenty of time to tell family and friends. There are books written for partners and supporters of sexually abused males. The books written for those who have been sexually abused are also helpful to family and friends, though the information they contain can often be more raw and graphic than in the books written for partners and supporters.

Whom you tell, when you tell or IF you tell are decisions to be made, but they do not have to be made right now. Some of the most important things to do right now are to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Create a support network. In coming here you have added over 10,000 people to your life who "get it" and who are willing to be supportive. Though embarking on this journey we call healing can feel like "crazy making," take time to do things which have nothing to do with healing. Spend time with family and friends and do things that are enjoyable, even if you have to force yourself to interact at times. Find humor in life and especially in healing.

Wax your surfboard and get ready to ride the waves. It's going to get gnarly.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411388 - 09/25/12 07:48 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
I just ordered those two books that you recommended and I paid for the one day shipping. I should be getting them tomorrow! I hope that will help me get through this crazy point. I did not realize how hard it would be to tell someone else about this. I really do appreciate all your advice and kindness. It has been a lifesaver through all of this for me so far. Take Care smile

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#411495 - 09/26/12 11:28 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1354
Hi TJP,

May I suggest you only read the first part of Abused Boys? The second half of the book are personal stories from survivors. The stories are raw in their emotion and language. If reading some of the posts here on MS triggered you, then you may want to read the second half of that book a little at a time.

Talking about abuse issues is not easy, even when you are among those who understand. Pace yourself and take things slowly so you do not inadvertantly trigger yourself. Discomfort is to be expected, but you do not want to unduly upset yourself.

Also pace yourself with your books. It can be exciting to have books about these issues, but you can trigger yourself by reading too much at one time. Give yourself time to absorb and sort through what you read. If you find yourself getting triggered and exercising or engaging in other activities does not help, wander into chat for some real-time support.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411869 - 09/30/12 10:14 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
I have been in the chat room a few times. It has really been helpful and at the same time hard. If that makes any sense. This whole situation is just hard and I keep remmebering more and more as I open up about it. That is so strange to me that I was able to almost block it out. I did go talk to a T and started that process, I also found a group that meets twice a month. I really would like to get into that stuff asap. I told my parents and family about it over the weekend. It was very rough, but I feel better knowing that I do not have to hold onto this by myself anymore. That I can have the support I need now. I have definitely had my ups and downs, but as you said before, that is to be expected. I will continue to read my books, little at a time, and keep getting help when needed. You have really been a lot of help while doing this. I was so nervous to tell my parents, but they did not blame or accuse me of anything and they are going to be there for me. My mom has always been my rock, and it feels good knowing that I can have her support when it is needed most in my life. Love you mom. Thanks again. Take care.

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#411874 - 09/30/12 11:02 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
TJP43588 aka My son,

You are an incredible young man. I have faith in you, you are strong and you are a survivor. Together we can conquer anything.I will be there for you every step of the way. Whatever you need me to do,I will. This more than likely will be a long and difficult road,you will become stronger as time goes by. Baby steps, you must walk before you can run. I believe this is the beginning of your healing process. Your health and happiness is the most important thing. You know I love you with ALL my heart and I would give anything to take this pain from you. I am glad you have the support of these people on this sight. It seems they can help lead you in the direction of other resourses. I am going to the parental forum to try and gain the support I am seeking as well. I am grateful you were brave enough to share this with me. I LOVE YOU !!!
Sorry I wrote under your name I don't have my own I.D.

All my love,
Mom


Edited by tjp42588 (09/30/12 11:07 PM)

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#411890 - 10/01/12 08:35 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2590
Saw this thread this morning and decided to add.

My own abuse lasted for over 9 years, and in all that time, I never told anyone.

I never said no. I never said stop. Except the last time.... and for that I was raped. Sometimes saying No doesn't matter.

Even after that I never said anything to anyone. Many of things you mention feeling I could have written myself. The shame and fear, the feeling like somehow I can't be a man if all that happened.... I still struggle with feeling right or allowed to call myself a man.

I too have my wife by my side in this. One book I got was called "If The Man You Love Was Abused". You can find it Here.
I got it for my wife, but I found a lot in it to be helpful for me as well.

One other thing I wanted to add, is that when I hit like 10 to 12 years old, I sought it out. I actively 'wanted' it and liked it, looked forward to it, and then when the abusers moved away, I missed them and wanted them to come back. That doesn't mean it somehow made what happened ok, or that it wasn't abuse. It definitely was. It's just that I had become so hyper sexualized that by the time puberty hit everything sexual went into over drive and what I had known was so "normal" to me because it was just always present in my life. That kind of response isn't out of the norm and you'll find many here who shares similar experiences of reaching a point where they actively returned to and sought out their abusers attention.

That's one of the horrible and insidious things about this kind of abuse. After awhile you become so conditioned and literally brain washed that you willingly give your abuser whatever they want.

Hang in there. You're starting down a difficult road, but it's 100% worth the effort.

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#411903 - 10/01/12 12:16 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Regs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Oklahoma
Don't give up. It gets better.
_________________________
WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

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