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#411185 - 09/23/12 11:02 PM Hello, New and Unsure Here
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
Hello, I have been looking at this site for about a week now. I have been holding onto my secret for my whole life. I am 24 so my life has not been that long, but when dealing with this....15 years feels like 150 years. I finally told my wife about my abuse about 3 days ago. From the time when I was about 8 to 13 or so is when it happened. It was an older "friend" that did it. I am still a little foggy on exact ages and some details are hard to remember. Is that common? I remember the actual physical aspect like it was yesterday, but the details are a little foggy. Also, this just recently started to really bother me. I have lived with it for 15 years and thought nothing of it, but now it is a constant...i dont know...pain maybe? It was a same sex thing, and I have had a hard time with that. I thought I was gay for a long time. I still dont know if I am or not. Then, some of the things that happened are getting to me. Especially when I told my wife. No man wants to admit that he had to do things that like to another man. Then I had to tell her that I did nothing to stop it. I didnt tell. I didnt tell him to stop. I just shut up and took it. I remember the pain and while it was happening just wanting to be somewhere else. I also remember the feeling of the stuff that was not painful. Does that mean I liked it because my body responded? I do not know which is worse...remembering the pain or the pleasure. It all makes me sick to my stomach. I never planned on telling anyone. Now my wife knows and I do not want to even be near her. I feel ashamed and scared and stupid and weak and everything that is not man. There are so many emotions running through my body that I do not know how to deal with it. Well there is my story...my continueing sturggle!

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#411187 - 09/23/12 11:12 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
It is emotionally draining when you go they this part of recovery. I can remember so many feelings and so many emotions an thoughts surfacing all at the same time. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have. I wish you the best but to answer your question , no it is not uncommon. You are amount friend here and your not alone in your feelings.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#411191 - 09/23/12 11:46 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
Thank you, it is so hard for me right now. I hope it gets easier as the time passes, but for now....I cannot stop thinking about it at all. Another thing that has bothered me is when doing research on this, I found that a lot of people have this false idea that if you are sexually abused that you will in turn be an abuser. I could not imagine doing this to someone else. The first question my wife asked me after I told her was...Did you ever abuse anyone else? That has made me not want to tell anyone else about it. About 8 years ago, my cousin had child protective services almost take away her daughter. My mom ask me if I did anything to her, and that hurt bad. She believed me when I said no, but just the fact that she asked killed me. She did not know, and still does not, about what I went through. Now I fear that if I tell her, she will think that I did do something to her. The thought makes me sick and I spent so long thinking that everyone thought that I did something to my own cousin. I dont know, I just feel like I did back when it was happening. That if I tell, I will be in trouble. If I tell, I will get it worse then what I already had it.

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#411204 - 09/24/12 01:23 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi TJP,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

The fact your body responded does NOT mean you "enjoyed" what was being done to you. The body is designed to respond to stimulation, whether or not that stimulation is desired. The body does not make a judgement about whether or not the stimulation is wanted, that determination is made by our brains. The fact your body responded means that your body was functioning as it was designed to do.

Whether or not you told that friend to stop is also not an indicator that you wanted him to do the things he did. You may have been paralyzed with fear or shock that he was doing those things to you. Not having said "no" is neither a sign of weakness nor shame.

And, yes, it is possible for one to derive physical pleasure even though they do not want the abuse. It is not uncommon for rape victims, male or female, to orgasm. But this does not mean that one wanted to be raped.

As for being foggy on the details, that is very common. During times of stress people can sometimes dissociate. The dissociation can be mild and things seem "dream like" or you can "go away" completely and have absolutely no conscious memory of the events.

I want you to look at something you said to your wife:

Quote:

No man wants to admit that he had to do things that like to another man. Then I had to tell her that I did nothing to stop it. I didnt tell. I didnt tell him to stop. I just shut up and took it.


The fact that he was older than you also meant he was bigger and stronger than you were. He purposefully chose someone he could overpower, physically and emotionally, to meet his needs. He didn't give any consideration to your needs or what his actions were doing to you, physically or emotionally.

You are putting the responsibility for what happened to you on yourself, instead of on the person who sexually abused you.

The responsibility and the shame belong to one person, and to one person only - that "friend."

You may have never planned to tell your wife or anyone about this, but as bad as it feels right now, it is healthier that you are talking about it. That constant pain you are experiencing is your mind's way of telling you that it is time to start dealing with this. Talking about this is not easy, but it will help you heal.

If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in January.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411205 - 09/24/12 01:23 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
.
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411209 - 09/24/12 02:17 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
I have been looking for book. Thank you for the insight. I am glad I found this site because I have nobody to talk to that has been through this, therefore, they do not even know what to say. My wife still has not said anything in person. She has text me about it, but she feels awkward actually speaking to me about it. You have definitely opened my eyes to different factors. Now I think it is on me to make myself believe it. Everything you said makes 100% sense, and I can read it and say "yes that is true" the hard part is believing that I am not gross, or I am not different in any way. Again, thank you for your post, and I hope that I can open up more as to what happened, but this is still so new to me. I have not even told my wife that it has happened more then with just this one person. He had a friend that he would bring in to join in the "fun" as he put it. Then it happened like 2 other time with different people. It wasnt as bad with them because I was almost used to it. I began to expect to have sex with every friend that I had. It was almost normal for me. So, I am just taking my baby steps from the starting line on this long long journey. I am glad and thankful for the help here. This community seems to be ver helpful, understanding, and willing to help.

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#411214 - 09/24/12 03:12 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi TJP,

Your wife may not know what to say. I am certain she is in shock. It is not everyday that someone finds out the one they love has been abused. Telling others about the sexual abuse is similar to telling people you have a serious illness - they are uncomfortable and do not know what to say.

Your wife may need a therapist of her own to help her through this healing journey. Should you decide to tell her about this site, there is a Friends and Family forum where she will receive a lot of information and support. There is also an area for Friends and Family in chat.

Expecting friendships to turn sexual is one of the effects of being abused by those whom you called "friend." The boundaries were blurred and friendship (or what was presumed to be friendship) and acceptance became linked with unwanted sexual activity.

I am so very sorry to hear that your wife asked you if you abused anyone just because you were abused. That myth has caused male survivors more harm than anything else.

Just becuase a male was sexually abused does NOT mean he will become an abuser!!!!

You can read information both about how that myth started AND the research which debunks the original research resopnsible for that myth, here. Unfortunately, too many in society believe that myth. Law enforcement, attorneys and judges also believe that nonsense, even though there is NO basis in fact for it. Sadly, the fact a male has been sexually abused has been used as "proof" that he will be a danger to children, and he may lose all contact with his kids for no other reason than someone again asserted that myth as "fact" and it was believed.

One of the biggest societal challenges we face is debunking the myths regarding males who have been sexually abused.

You are not "gross." You are someone who was harmed in a way you never should have been harmed, by someone who said he was your "friend." Not only did he take advantage of you, he encouraged others to do the same. What is gross is what he and the others did, and the fact they abused their power and the trust you had in them.

Baby steps is the way to start this journey. And though it may feel lonely and isolating at times, you are no longer alone.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411215 - 09/24/12 03:31 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
Thank you for your support. I think that is exactly what I needed to hear right at this moment. I am currently at work and I am on the verge of a break down. Your kind words have made me able to avoid this break down for one more day. I appreciate the help and I will be buying those books soon. Do you know if I can get them at a book store or do I have to order onlline?

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#411244 - 09/24/12 11:55 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi TJP,

Those books are available at the larger bookstores and bookstore chains. They are also available online and may be less expensive if purchased that way.

Another option would be your library, though experience tells me there are usually only a few copies and they are not only "out" but usually late to be returned.

If you have a Kindle, or if you download the Kindle Reader, you can purchase the digital format and download the book immediately.

When you are feeling like you are on the verge of a break down, or that the anxiety/ rage/ etc. are such that you feel you are about to lose it, wander into chat. Though it isn't always populated the moment you get there, guys are wandering into the lounge all day. Someone will be along so you can talk and get real-time support. If, or when, you have privacy, there are hotlines you can call for support.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411262 - 09/24/12 01:50 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Dear TJP,

It takes tremendous courage just to take the steps you've taken. And the fact that you are doing so at 25 is amazing to me. I kept my secret for 42 years and it destroyed my life. You have the opportunity to make a life as a whole healthy person. Run with it.

When I first started dealing with it the most helpful thing I heard was "It wasn't your fault". I had to hear it about 500 times before I really believed it. Believe it my friend. You're in good company.

Gary
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#411282 - 09/24/12 05:14 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Hey TJP,

We're here for you, and the rush of powerful negative emotions that you're experiencing right now is a very common reaction to uncorking the bottle. These are all the bad feelings that you've had bottled up all these years finally coming to the surface for you to let them out.

It will pass. Just remember to breathe and let it flow through you like a cleansing river.

One thing you can work on in the meantime is this -- tell your wife that it is not cool to text you with stuff she is afraid to talk about face-to-face. Do not fall into her trap of talking about this over text message. You need her; cling to her; do not push her away. Have these conversations with her face-to-face.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#411291 - 09/24/12 06:38 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 106
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hi TJP

I understand all you are going trauht,sory for my spelling i am french speaking. Just to reassure you, it wiil get better honest. It take time, but it does get better. You are in a tremendus struglle on how to get back the power your friend as taken over you.

As for the questions if you are a abuser, recherch says only 3% of being abuse are abuser. and this 3 % is a world wide study. I know this as a fact because here in quebec (canada) we are the only university in the world that you can major in a bachaloria in sexologie. I had grate help whit therapist of all sort here.

But you have to understand that it is not the therapist that is important it is the confidence you have in him, read around here how to chose a therapist.

Take care ok TJP

Jean-Pierre

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#411301 - 09/24/12 08:10 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
Anamolous, I appreciate all the info. You have been a huge help in this journey that I am just now starting.

Gary, Thank you for the kind words, it means a lot to hear this right now. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that it is not my fault, and I did not want that, but like you said...it makes me feel better to hear it, but I do not know when I will start to believe it. This is all so strange and alien to me, I am used to living with this secret. I do not know what is harder...the fact that I was abused for the better part of my life, or the fact that people know about it now.

Jim, thank you for the welcoming, this site has really been a tremendous help to me and I have only been on here for two days. I like the idea of face to face, but I still have not even said it out loud to myself yet. It is easier for me to type something and close my eyes and hit send then it is for me to say it. I do not know if it will be different when I say it out loud or not?
I just have soooo many different thoughts and feelings, and I still do not know how to deal with them. I feel like I am riding an emotional roller coaster right now. Sometimes I am just mad at everything. Others, I cry all the way to work. Which is a 45 minute drive. Again, thank you!

Jean-Pierre, I am not one to judge on spelling ha! Though I do have to say, for being a french speaking gent, you do speak english well. I wish I could be bilingual. Back to the hard stuff, that is probably my worst fear. People thinking that I will abuse someone else. I have been waking up from nightmares that are of my wife taking my two daughters away from me. I could not bare the thought of that. It kills me to even think about it. If for one second I thought I was at risk to do something like that, I would eliminate myself from the equation so quickly because I could not handle knowing that my beatuiful little girls, who are litterally my everything, would go through what I am now. This may sound crazy, but if I think about the abuse, I think boy. Not girl. I would never abuse anyone, especially my own children. I dont know. This has just really discouraged me.I do not know if I will tell anyone else in my family because of it. Which is probably not good because I heard that the more you talk about it, the better you feel. Who knows, but thank you for your kind words and I appreciate everyone on here. I hope that one day I can be the one giving advice. For now, I will be taking my baby steps in the tidal wave of emotion and pain. Maybe I will find my surf board and learn to ride the wave instead of drown in it. Take care!

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#411338 - 09/25/12 02:51 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi TJP,

As survivors we sometimes go through a huge shift of emotions and feelings, especially in the beginning.

The first time we say "I was sexually abused" can be terrifying and liberating at the same time. It is a secret many of us have held for years before disclosing it to anyone. After saying it, the feeling of freedom or liberation from that secret can be such that we feel like screaming it from the roof tops.

But I urge caution.

Know your audience. Before telling people, think about how they may react to the information.

I do NOT say this because I want you to feel shame.

I say this because I want you to be safe in whom you tell.

You do not, especially in the beginning when you are very raw with emotion, need to indiscriminately tell people who may react in ways that are harmful to you.

The fact you fear that telling your family may result in them reiterating the myth about the abused becoming abusers, suggests that telling them at this point in time may not be in your best interest. This is not to say you will never disclose this to them, but right now may not be the time.

Look at the reactions of both your wife and your mother - their first inclination was to ask you if you were also an abuser. You do not need to hear that, especially from those closest to you. Though those who ask that question may not intend to be harmful, that is exactly what it is. It also shows their lack of information about males who have been sexually abused. You do not need to be fighting against the most damaging myth (or any of the myths) at the same time you are starting to acknowledge to yourself that you were abused. Letting yourself realize and, perhaps, accept that you were abused and that you were not at fault is extremely difficult and painful. You are challenging your own long-held beliefs. You do not need the extra burden of educating those who have distorted, entrenched and harmful views regarding the sexual abuse of males.

This journey of healing is difficult enough without having the extra burden of having to educate people about sexual abuse and debunking the myths. You will face those challenges. In fact, you have already started to face them. You have been confronted with the most harmful myth, and it has caused you to feel hurt and misunderstood. Most of all, it has caused you to be afraid - afraid others will blame you for doing things that you have not, and would never, do.

For now, try to take as much stress off yourself as possible. Consider discussing these issues with someone safe, like a therapist. Bring people into your life who will be able to support you.

There is plenty of time to tell family and friends. There are books written for partners and supporters of sexually abused males. The books written for those who have been sexually abused are also helpful to family and friends, though the information they contain can often be more raw and graphic than in the books written for partners and supporters.

Whom you tell, when you tell or IF you tell are decisions to be made, but they do not have to be made right now. Some of the most important things to do right now are to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Create a support network. In coming here you have added over 10,000 people to your life who "get it" and who are willing to be supportive. Though embarking on this journey we call healing can feel like "crazy making," take time to do things which have nothing to do with healing. Spend time with family and friends and do things that are enjoyable, even if you have to force yourself to interact at times. Find humor in life and especially in healing.

Wax your surfboard and get ready to ride the waves. It's going to get gnarly.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411388 - 09/25/12 07:48 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
I just ordered those two books that you recommended and I paid for the one day shipping. I should be getting them tomorrow! I hope that will help me get through this crazy point. I did not realize how hard it would be to tell someone else about this. I really do appreciate all your advice and kindness. It has been a lifesaver through all of this for me so far. Take Care smile

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#411495 - 09/26/12 11:28 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1346
Hi TJP,

May I suggest you only read the first part of Abused Boys? The second half of the book are personal stories from survivors. The stories are raw in their emotion and language. If reading some of the posts here on MS triggered you, then you may want to read the second half of that book a little at a time.

Talking about abuse issues is not easy, even when you are among those who understand. Pace yourself and take things slowly so you do not inadvertantly trigger yourself. Discomfort is to be expected, but you do not want to unduly upset yourself.

Also pace yourself with your books. It can be exciting to have books about these issues, but you can trigger yourself by reading too much at one time. Give yourself time to absorb and sort through what you read. If you find yourself getting triggered and exercising or engaging in other activities does not help, wander into chat for some real-time support.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#411869 - 09/30/12 10:14 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
I have been in the chat room a few times. It has really been helpful and at the same time hard. If that makes any sense. This whole situation is just hard and I keep remmebering more and more as I open up about it. That is so strange to me that I was able to almost block it out. I did go talk to a T and started that process, I also found a group that meets twice a month. I really would like to get into that stuff asap. I told my parents and family about it over the weekend. It was very rough, but I feel better knowing that I do not have to hold onto this by myself anymore. That I can have the support I need now. I have definitely had my ups and downs, but as you said before, that is to be expected. I will continue to read my books, little at a time, and keep getting help when needed. You have really been a lot of help while doing this. I was so nervous to tell my parents, but they did not blame or accuse me of anything and they are going to be there for me. My mom has always been my rock, and it feels good knowing that I can have her support when it is needed most in my life. Love you mom. Thanks again. Take care.

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#411874 - 09/30/12 11:02 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
TJP43588 aka My son,

You are an incredible young man. I have faith in you, you are strong and you are a survivor. Together we can conquer anything.I will be there for you every step of the way. Whatever you need me to do,I will. This more than likely will be a long and difficult road,you will become stronger as time goes by. Baby steps, you must walk before you can run. I believe this is the beginning of your healing process. Your health and happiness is the most important thing. You know I love you with ALL my heart and I would give anything to take this pain from you. I am glad you have the support of these people on this sight. It seems they can help lead you in the direction of other resourses. I am going to the parental forum to try and gain the support I am seeking as well. I am grateful you were brave enough to share this with me. I LOVE YOU !!!
Sorry I wrote under your name I don't have my own I.D.

All my love,
Mom


Edited by tjp42588 (09/30/12 11:07 PM)

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#411890 - 10/01/12 08:35 AM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577
Saw this thread this morning and decided to add.

My own abuse lasted for over 9 years, and in all that time, I never told anyone.

I never said no. I never said stop. Except the last time.... and for that I was raped. Sometimes saying No doesn't matter.

Even after that I never said anything to anyone. Many of things you mention feeling I could have written myself. The shame and fear, the feeling like somehow I can't be a man if all that happened.... I still struggle with feeling right or allowed to call myself a man.

I too have my wife by my side in this. One book I got was called "If The Man You Love Was Abused". You can find it Here.
I got it for my wife, but I found a lot in it to be helpful for me as well.

One other thing I wanted to add, is that when I hit like 10 to 12 years old, I sought it out. I actively 'wanted' it and liked it, looked forward to it, and then when the abusers moved away, I missed them and wanted them to come back. That doesn't mean it somehow made what happened ok, or that it wasn't abuse. It definitely was. It's just that I had become so hyper sexualized that by the time puberty hit everything sexual went into over drive and what I had known was so "normal" to me because it was just always present in my life. That kind of response isn't out of the norm and you'll find many here who shares similar experiences of reaching a point where they actively returned to and sought out their abusers attention.

That's one of the horrible and insidious things about this kind of abuse. After awhile you become so conditioned and literally brain washed that you willingly give your abuser whatever they want.

Hang in there. You're starting down a difficult road, but it's 100% worth the effort.

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#411903 - 10/01/12 12:16 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
Regs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/03/08
Posts: 149
Loc: Oklahoma
Don't give up. It gets better.
_________________________
WoR Sequoia Alumni, April 2010

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#411930 - 10/01/12 07:48 PM Re: Hello, New and Unsure Here [Re: tjp42588]
tjp42588 Offline


Registered: 09/23/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Detroit MI
JustScott, I will have to check out that book. I have been feeling so down lately because of this. I am thinking, well if I didnt say anything, and some of the time...I acually liked it, that I must not have been a victim. This has been eating away at me, and reading what you wrote has made it a lot easier. I appreciate your sharing of your experiences. This is so confusing, but the more I read, the more I find that I am not alone. That I will begin to be ok one day. That I am not a freak for responding to it that way I did. Thanks again....Take care smile

Regs....I am trying not to give up. Sometimes it is hard, and I think that life would be easier if I just burry back in whatever hole it was in until I let it out, but I am standing strong so far. Thank you for the words of inspiration. Take care.

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