**TRIGGER WARNING****might be DISTURBING****TRIGGER WARNING**
SURVIVORS of FEMALE ABUSE
Hi, my fraternal brothers.
It has been a while since I have been here.
I have serious doubts if I can ever become a “survivor” of female abuse. Too many hurts. Too many issues in my way. Not to say that I have not tried.
One thing about this MS site is from the minute that we find it & we bare our, deepest secrets, open our heart & soul. Expose our hurts & fears. We record our emotions for all to see. We accept our other fraternal brother’s compassion, understanding & hope. As we try to progress along our way, we can review those posts that we have made over the years and see how far we have progressed if any on our journey.
In these past few months, I have had more time in healing to think about my feelings. To challenge my deepest emotions, feelings, fears & hope. It was about two years ago when I was in as 12 week PTSD therapy group. One of my assignments was challenging my beliefs about me hating all women. From that little boy right up to these past few months. It would be my only change in challenging my beliefs during the PTSD therapy.
I am not going into the whole story as it has been recorded here for all to see. However, I will say this much for a short background in order to try to understand my emotional & mental swings that I have been having these past few months in particular.
I was born into this world in hate, shame & guilt. As far as I can remember, there was no father figure around. However, I did have a 3-year younger sister. Figure that one out.
I guess that it was just my “mom & me” for those formative years in my young life.
There would never be an emotional & mental bonding between “mother” & son.
I was born a twin, boy & girl, prematurely at 7 months, my twin sister died at birth. My “mom” was only 20 years old when we were born.
For the first 10 years of my life, the very person who had brought me into this world would emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually abuse me. Beaten, berated, not wanted & being told that he was the wrong one that had survived. In her fits of rage, she would throw knives at me. Why? I was just a kid, her kid. She would teach her young boy about how to hate & fear females. That upbringing would affect my life forever. At the age of six, I had known that I was different from those other boys whom were my boyhood friends. I was attracted to them. I was born a gay boy. At the age of eight, I was made the “man of the house.” At the age of 10, I would be separated from her and entered into an orphanage/Home.
Now to the emotional & mental confusion that I find myself in. It has been festering in me for these past few months. Here is my story.
Trying to understand why now I am starting to have emotional & mental feelings for females. Why in all of this right now I still do not have any kind of emotions for the person whom had loved me & gave me two fine sons and were together for 36 years, my separated wife.
A woman, a gay boy/man & an ice cream.
She is the wife of one of my best friends; we have known each other for the past 20+ years. Both in Germany & here to Evant, Texas and bought a house in the same town. His wife had some serious medical problems. She was confined to a wheel chair since they left Germany. She would enjoy life like the rest of us; we would go out to eat often together. Her mental capacity was as sharp as ever back then. However slowly she was starting to have neurological problems. At first, you could not touch her without her screaming in pain, she could not walk. Over the years, she was being treated for her medical problems. Her husband was constantly by her side. I used to visit them every year from Germany in Texas. When all this CSA stuff came into my conscious mind this friend was one of the first ones that I had reached out to for some emotional & mental help. I was heading for an emotional & mental breakdown & I had to tell someone I trusted with my long buried SECRETS. In order to relieve the pressure on me. He was in Texas & I was still in Germany. When I had made the long thought out decision to leave Germany and come back to Texas for therapy & have more resources available to me, he offered me a place to stay. In fact, we were going to build a separate apartment on his property for me. Both he and his wife not only opened their heart hearts to me but also their home. She still had most of her mental skills as far as thinking talking, understanding & answering one goes. That was back in March of ‘09. I lived and ate with them for a year in their home. I would sit there and watch two persons whom genuinely loved each other, bonded with each other in mind, body & soul. Showering each other with emotions of love. Kissing, caressing telling each other how much they love each other.
I would sit there in silence. I would go deep into that young boy’s soul and wonder why we were never able to show that kind of affection towards a female. On the other hand, down & dirty, why didn’t I ever have that kind of an emotional & mental bonding with my wife? As a young gay man I had already knew that I was never have meant to be married. However, getting a woman pregnant I had to accept my responsibility and raise my sons. There would never be an emotional, mental in mind, body or soul bonding with my wife. Right up to this post. I would see all that love between them every day. I would see it be tested in ways that I would never dream of as things for her went steadily down hill medically for her. In the past few years parts of her brain has been shutting down. She had lost her ability to speak at first. She was looked at & as far as the doctors were concerned they thought she could understand what was said but had lost her ability to speak. Then from there she lost her motor skills. She could be lead places by holding on to some ones hands. She could still use the bathroom on her own once she got there. Then she had lost that ability, Now she was 100%+ totally dependent on her husband for everything including cleaning her up after the bathroom, giving her showers, giving her, her medications. Then on into bed. It has taken its mental & physical toll on him as his wife is slowly dying in front of his eyes little by little every day. I drive down to Texas once a month to pick up my mail & medications from the VA, or have an appointment at the VA. I am a guest in their house. I will give him all the moral help that I can muster; I will talk to & pay attention to his wife. Just as if she was 100% there. She is a kind & gentlewoman, always had been at least since I had known them in Germany. Never a cross word to anyone, no matter how bad they were to her. She had a way to bring the best out in people.
So here she is, pardon on how I am describing her present condition A (vegetative state), for the lack of a better word. I have always posted that I do not possess any kind of social skills and that proves it I am sure.
A woman, a gay boy/man & an ice cream.
It is a hot day in Texas and for a change; my friend brings his wife outside to the patio. He is expecting delivery of a special disabled person’s lazy boy chair. Therefore, we in waiting on the patio are enjoying an ice cream together. She has one in her hand. Her husband will gently lift her hand/arm up to her mouth, and gently put it against her mouth & she will take a bite of it. In addition, that will have to be repeated until she finishes with her ice cream. Well the deliveryman comes & it will take of both them to move the old chair out & the new one in.
So here, I sit with this woman, admiring her courage during those years as she was slowly shutting down in her brain. What me? Having some sort of an emotion for a female.
She is looking at me and sitting there with that ice cream melting fast in the Texas heat in her hand. Something, that I cannot explain, some sort of a feeling that I have never had for a female before. I tell Laura; here I will help you eat your ice cream. I gently lift her hand/arm up to her mouth telling her that Laura you have to open your mouth & take a bite. It is in front of her mouth and she does not know what to do. I in my shyness press it against her lips and she takes the last bite. She is looking at this emotionally & mentally boy/man, again, something powerful is happening between us again I cannot explain it. I will start choking up & tearing up. I seem to be very calm. It seems to be telling me Pete I love & care for you too. Thanks for being here for Van & me. One of the most profound things that have happened to this boy/man as far as ever having an emotional & mental connection to a female.
I was visiting my friend last week. His wife is now comatose. Finally after taken care of her alone for over 20 years. He has asked for hospice help for her. Primarily to have a caterer put in her so she can urinate without having a disabled undergarment absorbing the urine & eventually irritating her bottom. I was there when the doctor whom has to make her case to medicare/medicade in getting her the proper care at no expense to him.
He told my friend that he has the say so in anything that they propose to him in her care. All they will try in the final stage of her life is make it as comfortable & dignified as possible. They seem to know that she has about two weeks to live at best. A nurse will come every day and check up on both of them. The doctor told him that the nurse is trained to see the signals that she is in her last few days. When the nurse sees that then she will stay with both of them 24 hours a day until her last breath. Then they will take care of the pre-arraigned details of the of the disposition of her remains.
It took a woman & an ice cream to make the most profound emotional & mental change in his life, forever.
There are two other females on my mind too during this emotional & mental time in my life. My twin sister & another friend’s female partner. That is another story.
Can us emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually abused boys either if our mothers abused us. Or on the other hand, by other females ever come to final terms with it?
Can we overcome all the odds & obstacles placed in our way even with the ones we inadvertently place in our way? Become that “survivor?”
Long winded as is my custom.
Probably is of no help to my other fraternal brothers out there. It is just an old gay boy/man trying to find himself, trying to believe in himself.
To all my brothers out there dealing with Female Abuse of any kind, I offer you all my compassion, understanding, love & hope, in healing & overcoming this issue in our lives.
“I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity.” As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.