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#41108 - 06/19/03 01:50 PM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Tom,

I'm really glad you joined this thread too.

All the therapeutic pink cloud experience in the

world ain't worth a damn if it don't work.

I need some healthy skepticism about everything,

especially as a survivor of sexual abuse who

lost faith and trust. Hard to get those back with

my eyes squeezed shut and holding my nose.

Thanks for giving me the poke I need to keep me

from faking a spiritual orgasm.

And thanks also for reminding me--Of course this

is as good as it gets!! This moment is all there

is. Past is non-existent, future is a product of

my warped imagination.

You are so right! This moment, right now is as

as good (beautiful, dramatic, scary, loving and

everything else there is) as it gets.

Because this is all there is.

Joe, the recovery theme is so good for me--the

definition that works best for me at the moment

is just like yours.

Recover:

"To regain or get back that which has been
lost due to illness or injury."

Recovery for me has to be based in the present,


the here and now. I must look at the past----

but it's dangerous to stare.

I want to of plan on a great future. Planning on

a lousy one seems to work all too well. To be

able to live successfuly I need hopes and dreams

Life really sucks without them. But I can't

live in that imaginary world; after a while

they lock up people like that, like me.

I done been there.

For me recovery focusses on living in the

present, being able to leave the past behind and

learning to believe in the possiblity of a future.

What I have to watch out for is an obsession

with Revenge, an irrational attempt to

change the past or a fantasy of punishment set in

the future.

Sure a little daydream of sticking

the abusers head in the toilet and repeatedly

flushing is a good catharsis for me.

I have to watch out not to become fixated on it,

since that puts the focus back on the

offender. He's already had free rent in my life

for too long. After becoming painfully

aware of the devastation of the past, it is

the process of recovery that leads me forward and

away. Revenge takes me back to the past, to the

offender, to what is wrong with everything,

to doling out punishment.

I know I'll be first in that line.

That is not my primary purpose.

Wow, thanks so much. You guys are brilliant.

Tom, you've got a lot to say, guy. Can you

believe it when I say I want, I need to hear it?

An overly stimulated fellow MS lycanthropist,

\:D \:D ;\) :p :rolleyes: \:\) :p

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#41109 - 06/19/03 06:38 PM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
Originally posted by Tom S.:
I believe this IS as good as it gets.
Dear Tom and all,

Maybe I have just become adept at inducing hope, but something in me can't concede to this statement being an abolute truth.

I firmly believe that currently, in this moment of time and space, we, in a defining moment of the culture, are involved in a "series of steps toward a desired result" [I wanted to avoid using the word "P" word.......] I see in the microcosm of my own life how obstacles have been overcome that could never have been surmounted by sheer willpower alone. I feel and believe that the same evolution of consciousness is occuring in the macrocosm of this social construct where we abide. Things have gotten better for women, people of differing color, culture, sexual orientation etc. Justice is being served to the world on a bloody platter, but there you have it.

5 years ago or 10 months ago or 3 days ago, or 7 seconds ago, things WERE as good as they were gonna get at that exact moment, to be sure, but in retrospect we can look back and say they have definately gotten better since then. I am healthier, happier, richer in many ways, etc, but none of it happened by accident. It all became better because I cooperated with something beyond my limited souce of power and continued to proceed to chose courses of action that would lead to desired results, even as the seconds ever so slowly or quickly became minutes, the minutes hours, the hours, days, the.........

To say it is as good as it gets implies that I have, at this point, discovered the full range of my capacities, and have no more room to develop, nothing more to learn. That is so far from the truth for me; I am done when I say I am done, when I give up or give in. But as long as I have strength to take on the next battle with the next substance that stands between me and more inner freedom, then I have something higher and better to reach for. And when I have transcended all of the chains, and for as long as my faculties engage me, then piece by piece I will restore back to myself that which was taken from me without willingness.

If I can't believe in that then what can I believe in? Hope is all I have, and for me has been the best training ground for learning about trust. through hope-ing I have learned to trust myself and that's the best place to start, me thinks.

I am not sure if anything I've said made any sense to anyone else, but it sure helped me, to try to say it. Thanks for the bandwidth, and I pray all be well............

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#41110 - 06/19/03 06:49 PM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Oh,

Quote:
And the only ones I see responding here are living on some sort of theraputic cloud, praising the miracles of modern counseling
I just wanted to mention, not that it amounts to a hill of beans, but I am not in therapy, and never have given it any more than a couple of months at a time [guess I just didn't find the right match, but at least the little bit helped]. Also, I do not have the hand of religion making my mouth move..none of my recovery rests entirely on any of those things, but rather on my belief in the parent power that wants good things for me. I am part of this brotherhood of wolves and for that I am grateful.

Danny, once again your perceptions knocked my socks off; I always make sure I am sitting down when you speak............... \:D

Ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#41111 - 06/19/03 09:00 PM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
MEC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/03
Posts: 62
Loc: NJ
Thanks to all for the words of wisdom.

Danny, you made me laugh for what appears our similarities; the sudden uncovering of what has kept us down, now allowing us to fly; the isolation; and wanting the weekend date most to be mind contact.

I wish you luck and do believe it will go well for you.

_________________________
Michael

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#41112 - 06/20/03 08:55 AM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
Now that my eyes have been opened to a life better than the one I've lived as a believer of the lies I told myself that it was my own doing, what if this is as good as it gets? Kind of like coming out of blindness only to find no light at the end of the tunnel.

Michael, there is light at the end of the tunnel, we have to shine that light. It isn't as good as it gets, it will be what we make it. We were deprived of so much and it continued for me until I finally realized that it wasn't me that asked for it, I can now stop passing blame on myself, I can grow and develop into that person I always wanted to be.
Unfortunately, I woke up too late, my wife asked me to leave, people I thought were friends have basically had nothing to do with me for almost 3 years. I have had to be my own support mechanism. With the help of those here, I can see beyond my dispair that there is hope, it can be better.
The downers are really down, I was so low for so long I forgot what it was like to feel good. One day I woke up and said there is no one that can make me feel good until I help myself feel good. I got off my ass, stopped feeling sorry for myself and engaged in things I enjoy.
Yes indeed, there are down days, I get so lonely for my wife some days, but I know I need to give her time to sort through all that has happened.
No one said it was going to be easy, but man when a good day comes along or someone says something positive about you, it sure makes the task easier.
Stay tough Michael, be proud of you, be proud that you identified the problem and are working to make your life better
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#41113 - 06/20/03 09:33 AM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
Tom S. Offline
Member

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 161
Loc: Nashville, Tn
One last time guys, just to mkae sure we are understanding each other completly about this theraputic cloud thing.

If you have a system available to recieve theraputic help and are making progress with a professional, thats what it's all about.

But, if you live in that theraputic cloud, maybe even further clouded by Prozac or Lexapro, the danger of being further vicitimized is REAL.
I don't know about each of your personal "T's" but I know about what I have been exposed to and it is in many instances worse than the original f*****ng I was seeking help for.
Perhaps in Boston or southern Ca. there are stricter sets of guidlines that the T community follows. But here in middle Tn, there is not one damn thing to keep any young girl or boy from being 'court assigned' to walk right in to see a counselor who could very well be on the Sexual Offenders Registry. There is NO system of policing, and anyone, espicially those who are dependant on title 6 programs are vulnerable.
There may be good qualified help out there, but from my experience, you had better well know there are destructive people also.
The peril of being re-victimized must be made public, due to the covert nature of it's use.

quote:' In this time of economic uncertainty, it's easy to see who is dedicated to providing health care, and who is chasing bucks.'

Tom S.

_________________________
' None are so enslaved as those falsely led to believe they are actually free '

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#41114 - 06/20/03 10:49 AM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
Perhaps in Boston or southern Ca. there are stricter sets of guidlines that the T community follows. But here in middle Tn, there is not one damn thing to keep any young girl or boy from being 'court assigned' to walk right in to see a counselor who could very well be on the Sexual Offenders Registry. There is NO system of policing, and anyone, espicially those who are dependant on title 6 programs are vulnerable.
Tom,

I just wrote to Mark Crawford about joining the Advocacy and Activism SubCommittee . Thanks for the kick in the ass that I needed. If the children are that unprotected, someone (not Noman, someone) has to help them. I don't have to be on TV to be helping.

Gratefully,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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