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#411001 - 09/21/12 09:18 PM Not doing so great.
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
I'm straight up beating myself up lately. I just feel like shit. I keep wondering, why do I hate myself so much? I'm constantly telling myself I'm not good enough & that I'm a failure. Hell, I don't even need to tell myself this, I'm reminded of it all the time from my parents. You have no job, you do nothing, you're not like all the other 20 year olds, you're insufficient, you're lacking, you're so far behind everyone else. Thinking back on it, it really pisses me off. They say they wanna help, but all they're doing is breaking me down by comparing me to everyone else. Then I try to say cut me a break, not every other guy my age was raped and abused for most his life. But it goes in one ear out the other, they don't listen. I'm a broken person picking up the pieces, trying to become stable, and they expect me to be the normal old golden child. I can't, I can't do it and it's killing me. I know I can't do it, it's like they're shoving it in my face and they don't even realize it. So I feel like shit, like a failure, like I'm "less than" everyone else. I haven't felt like I wanted to just give up for a long time, but I'm starting to feel it again. I'm just tearing myself apart.

So much shit going through my head and I just can't get it out. The bottom line that's being pounded in my head is that I'm not good enough, I'm "less than" everybody else, I'm failing. I wish I knew how to portray what my problem is, but it's just so all encompassing and omniscient that it would take pages to try and explain it. I'm my worst enemy right now, and I cant stop beating myself up. Lately I've just been doing really bad, I stopped posting on here, and it's become more difficult to open up about things. I just don't know what to write, I don't know what to say or how to say it. Certain things I just don't want to talk about. Bottom line is I'm doing really bad, and I need some help. But I don't know what will help me, I'm at a point where I'm feeling hopeless again, like I'll never be happy.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#411004 - 09/21/12 09:57 PM Re: Not doing so great. [Re: CloudyFalls]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 849
Loc: Kc,Mo
Do not believe the lie , people talk down to others when they are lacking in their own lives. Fact is you are strong you are here and are making it . It will not be like this forever . Do things that will build yourself up . No that you are someone and it does not matter what people think about you it only matters what you think about them. I do not give people that kind of power in my life . If you do not like me that is cool you are missing out on a great relationship that is the way I look at it . I used to care what people thought about me all the time and inefficient but the truth is I am sufficient , so are you . You tell a child enough times that they are stupid they will believe it they will become it .

It takes years to convince them otherwise . Some very good looking woman are convinced they are ugly because someone told them over and over and they eventually began to believe it even though the everyone can see they are very good looking they can not see it themselves .

I am telling you that you are sufficient you are not hopeless you are just in a bad rut we all have been there and sometimes have to fight not to go back there. Just know that things will get better . But there is a responsibility on your part to do things to get the ball rolling . Do not go around people that are negative put positive people in your life . Are there any support groups find out . See if there are any I am second groups in your areas they do not just deal with religion stuff but problems people have ,addictions ,co dependency , loneliness,. or even on Craigs list some kind of people get together type of group. Get around positive people.


I will pray for you and send you pms from time to time if you ever need to vent or talk you can hit me up anytime . You are not who your parents say you are you are worth more than they see. You are strong and have survived more than most people could ever handle. So give yourself some credit you deserve credit for still being here after that BS we all of endured . So no that a lot of people could not handle what we have handled and it is not something to just brag about but it does say a lot about your endurance and resolve
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#411010 - 09/21/12 10:40 PM Re: Not doing so great. [Re: CloudyFalls]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Cloudy,

Your situation seems a lot like mine, and finally, after living with my parents for the past 2 years, I'm getting my own apartment next month.

Getting away from your parents is key to your recovery. You can pick up the pieces of yourself better when you get away from them.

You can do this.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#411012 - 09/21/12 10:45 PM Re: Not doing so great. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I think we are too tough on ourselves a lot of times. I know for me that is the case anyway. The feeling usually eases up some and passes. I just end up realizing that we are all different and what works for me may not work for others. The road has been paved for us already but we still gotta keep it between the lines. I hope things get better for you and you find the self worth that you deserve to have.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#411014 - 09/21/12 10:54 PM Re: Not doing so great. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1529
Loc: New England
Your feelings are all too familar here, but you are trapped in a negative living situation on top of it. Get out of the house as much as possible. Find some supportive people to hang with and stay away from the ones who bring you down. You are stronger than you know. You have made it this far. You will make it to recovery. YOU DESERVE A DECENT LIFE BECAUSE IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT.
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#411015 - 09/21/12 10:57 PM Re: Not doing so great. [Re: CloudyFalls]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3396
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i agree with both NLT & CR.

one of the best things i ever did was getting away from the toxic home environment. first i went away to college and started to discover that i wasn't the abject nothing that the step-dad made me out to be. started to re-build some self-esteem. went "home" for the summer and slid right back into the pit. next summer i found a job away from home that included room & board at a camp in another state. never went back after that for more than a week at a time. it made a big difference to start seeing myself through other eyes who thought i was better than either the parents or i did myself. one was - later on - the wonderful girl who eventually became my wife. (God helped too - but i know that's a dangerous topic here - so i won't do more than mention it.)

But - we do understand what you are going through. even if you don't think you can adequately put it into words - i think most of us have been there - and some of us have spent what seemed like a life-sentence in that prison. there is hope. you are so young and have so much life ahead of you. don't give up now.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#411027 - 09/22/12 02:03 AM Re: Not doing so great. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Vadrian Offline


Registered: 09/10/11
Posts: 111
Loc: Pacific
(((Cloudy))), I'm sorry you've been having a rough time. These untrue and abusive messages were programmed into us from an early age. All forms of abuse carry a message with them that communicates something false about us. I'm sure it's no coincidence that your parents say this today; it isn't because there is something wrong with you. Meanwhile, do they compare themselves to other parents who are nice and supportive to their children and actually bothered to protect them from being abused by other family members? That would be the correct route if they feel the need to criticize someone, as they are the people that really messed up here.

My mother was also like this, happy to be in denial about my real history and compare me to some idealized image of what I should be at that age. But just being open about what happened to you and trying is a huge achievement. Even if you feel awkward or don't know what to say, try to get it out anyway. Keep going until it makes sense, and then you might feel better. If you ever want to talk, you can message me anytime.


Edited by Vadrian (09/22/12 02:03 AM)

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#411059 - 09/22/12 01:07 PM Re: Not doing so great. [Re: CloudyFalls]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Hey CloudyFalls,

I hope you're feeling a little bit better today. I hope that you read the replies above mine, they're filled with love and compassion for you.

You've received a shitty hand when it comes to parents. A lot of us did. It makes life unbearable and sometimes unlivable, we feel. We're completely dumbfounded by our predicament, and can't fathom a way out of our situation to freedom. I know these feelings, I had them as well. I had the same kind of family you describe.

The truth is, your parents failed you and are still failing you. It is the parents responsibility to teach their kids to believe in themselves, and to love themselves. That is the primary responsibility of your parents. Your parents screwed up. So I say, screw their opinions. Their opinions are meaningless.

I learned that since my parents completely failed me, it was up to me to learn how to believe in myself and to love myself. I know, I know. I can hear your response. I had (and still have) the same response ... its an impossible task! What the hell? Why?? HOW!?

WHY the hell did I have to learn how to love myself? So fucked up, and so unfair. Yes, it is. It sucks that we have bad parents who are clueless. I'm upset and angry with you.

HOW the hell was I supposed to learn how to love if it wasn't taught to me? What a catch 22, right!? Screw that.

"Love is a verb, it's something you do, not something you feel."
"Actions speak louder than words"
"Acting as if"

I'm sure you've heard these catch phrases. Such cliches, right?

Actually, they're the wisdom of the ages.

Learning how to love yourself is taking action. DOING something. I see that you're into music and art, are you an artist? What sorts of stuff are you into? What inspires you? What do you like? What makes you feel passionate? What makes you incredibly curious?

When I chose to learn how to love myself, these questions helped tremendously. They guide me still.

I'll be honest with you. I only made this discovery only 1 year ago even though people had been trying to tell me it for years. I disregarded them because, after all, I was just a piece of meaningless shit, and they couldn't possibly understand.

Well, only 1 year after deciding to find things I liked, everything has or is changing. Things I thought I would never understand now make sense. Feelings I thought would never go away are melted away. Situations I thought I could never resolve are being resolved.

I know that you feel unloved and worth less. Less than everyone else. I have those exact same feelings. I had. I couldn't believe I had any value at all.

I swear to you, focusing on the things I liked and loved taught me how to love myself. Learning how to love myself is fixing many of the vexing questions that I have had, and they're the same exact questions you asked "Why do I hate myself so much?"

When I took on the task that my parents were supposed to, and didn't, I started gaining the ability to answer my own questions.

I'm so glad you've signed up to MaleSurvivor! I hope that you stick around and keep talking to us and asking us questions. The replies you've had above are from awesome, genuine guys who love and care about you because they can also relate to your anger and suffering. We have all shared very similar experiences, and we all came together here to find support. It's an incredible thing you can do.

You have my support and you have my ear. PM me any time.

D

PS: Love is a verb - do something!




_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#411065 - 09/22/12 02:11 PM * [Re: CloudyFalls]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:15 PM)

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#411168 - 09/23/12 08:18 PM Re: Not doing so great. [Re: CloudyFalls]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 168
Loc: Ohio
Thank you guys, your support means the world to me. I don't know where I'd be without people like you all. You guys put a smile on my face smile
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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