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#41088 - 06/16/03 10:09 PM What if this is as good as it gets?
MEC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/03
Posts: 62
Loc: NJ
Been falling back into the complacency of isolating and being alone. Rage came on once last week, but it was bad; I intentionally bumped into a guy and was ready to fight. I'd have lots of rage before I discovered my SA, but then I usually took it out on inanimate objects, seldom on people.

Now that I want to interact with others, I find myself getting depressed with being alone. At 53, how do you begin to find relationships? For the past decade I've been pretty much a recluse and happy to be alone. The only thing I now find rewarding in my depression is being asexual and without a desire for any deviancies. Seems only in depression do I feel pure and with a solution to what often feels like hopelessness.

Now that my eyes have been opened to a life better than the one I've lived as a believer of the lies I told myself that it was my own doing, what if this is as good as it gets? Kind of like coming out of blindness only to find no light at the end of the tunnel.

_________________________
Michael

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#41089 - 06/16/03 10:29 PM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mec.

Rage is a normal thing for us especially when we realize that the rage was directed inwards at ourselves. Now you know the lies that you believed just like we all did.

Quote:
Now that my eyes have been opened to a life better than the one I've lived as a believer of the lies I told myself that it was my own doing, what if this is as good as it gets? Kind of like coming out of blindness only to find no light at the end of the tunnel.
Mec you have led a reclusive life. Do you belong to a church group, a bowling league or something like that. If not maybe you should consider it. Remember you are like a young man taking that first tentative step into actually living and not just passing through life. Hey brother it is natural that you would think that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It takes practice . Do you have any friend at all who could help you in this. Someone you can trust. Really I think the best place is, if you are a regular church goer, to become active in the activities.

You might also consider doing some volunteer work where you would meet people.

And Mec just remember where the Rage belongs; the gd perp thats where. It is not your fellow man or woman just one who was a sick asshole. Take you anger out on a pillow. It cant hurt you and it sure cant hurt the pillow.

Mec it wont be easy but I think that might be the best way to do it.

Hope this helps a bit.

Mike

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#41090 - 06/16/03 11:21 PM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Indeed MEC,

Quote:
...what if this is as good as it gets?
Where do we go from here? As whacked out as mikechurch is... hee hee, KIDDING!!! \:D he brings up some very valid suggestions.

My take is that, "HEY!!! you're still alive! You're still depressed! I don't think that your journey/self-discovery has ended yet!" You seem to be still attempting to control and decide what your own environment is. You have some control but not over everything. More importantly, your thinking is still at least 'a little' distorted so why not let the people outside of you whom you do trust, help you to determine when your journey is finished? Not determine... HELP determine. Use them or even us as a sound board for you. What the hell? I've got nothing better to do sometimes! Coming from my perspective... at 53 you're still a kid! You've got a few oil changes left under the hood! \:D

What's this about being asexual? How is it rewarding? If you want to be ok then. But you certainly don't have to be. There are plenty of women and men out there that go for an older man!

Quote:
...like coming out of blindness only to find no light at the end of the tunnel.
Me thinks that you need to open your eyes further chinaman! \:D

No chinese men were harmed in the commentary of this thread.

Patent pending... all rights reserved.


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#41091 - 06/17/03 07:40 AM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
JAG719 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/10/03
Posts: 4
Loc: Detroit
Wow I'm asking this same question myself. I been through this years ago. Thought I had dealt and figured everything out and now 25 years later I'm still trying to still understand things. I'm getting numb again, its like its recycling it all over. I'm so tired of it all. I want my head to stop thinking about it anymore. STOP. I hate everyother feeling to be sexual content and acting out in my head. It doesn't seem to be subsiding inside anymore. It's be a way to long of a raod and I'm tired. But a new day is here. I'm a survivor at least I can say that. I'm broken the cycle in the family of abuse. I will pray to GOD and thank him for another beautiful day that he has given me and to ask for help with the thought in my head. Thanks everyone here.JAG

_________________________
JAG719

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#41092 - 06/17/03 09:12 AM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
I have a lot more of better times than I do bad times and the rage can sometimes come and go with me. If I get real tired or have been fighting a lot of stuff, the rage can more easily take over. But for the most part it, the rage is much less than it was.

I do remember one year at christmas (that is when rage can hit me the hardest) and I was walking out to my car in a shopping center parking lot. A couple of "fairly good sized guys" were walking by and I took what I thought was them laughing about me. I went into the "attack mode" and started to get quite mouthy with them and challenged them. Fortunately, they were in a good mood and just ignored me because I was ready to rumble. And most likely with two of them, I would have got my butt kicked.

The part that really gets me right now is the buttholes that I deal with at work. Some days it is all I can do to just not tell them where to go. With jobs the way they are right now, I have to hold on for a few more months, but they sure spark the rage within me.

I'm finding that sleep, relaxation and doing fun things in life are helping me. But, that volcano still simmers below.... AT least I'm not like my father where I attack people and beat the day lights out of them. I do remember the temper he had and what he used to do with me in regards to it.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#41093 - 06/17/03 09:49 AM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Michael,

Quote:
At 53, how do you begin to find relationships?
I should know better by now than to try to answer questions like this, but I haven't finished my first cup of coffee yet. \:D

You begin at 53 the way you would have at 13. You find something that interests you, and someone else who's interested. You make the effort to listen to what they have to say and the effort to really understand what they mean. Repeat it back to them, maybe in your own words, to be sure you've got it. Make it clear to them that you are interested in what they have to say.

You have to decide what interests you. Where to find the other person? Where do you do the interesting things? I like Mike's suggestion that you start with your faith community, but it's possible that you're not one for organized religions. How about organized hobbies? You like to bike, check bike shops for info on clubs and local trails. You like sports, join a sports league. Check the web sites for your local area to find more contacts for different activities.

OK, lucidity approaches as I finish cup #1, so I'm going to post now.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#41094 - 06/17/03 10:52 AM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Joe,
That was simply an elegant bit of advice. Heck, I'm 25 and I struggle with that same question. Thanks for sharing.
Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#41095 - 06/17/03 01:58 PM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Seems only in depression do I feel pure and with a solution to what often feels like hopelessness.
Michael, maybe that's becuz you are facing the pain you've been burying in rage & in acting out or numbing out the pain. It hurts yet it gives you clarity. Which sometimes makes you wonder if ignorance isn't bliss. It isn't. But who likes pain?
http://www.nonstick.com/sounds/daffy_duck/ltdd_182.wav



Quote:
Now that my eyes have been opened to a life better than the one I've lived as a believer of the lies I told myself that it was my own doing, what if this is as good as it gets? Kind of like coming out of blindness only to find no light at the end of the tunnel.
Michael, perhaps you were "Blinded By the Light."
Were there a light at the end of the tunnel it might be a Mac Truck! Now you can emerge from the tunnel with its extremes of total darkness or dangerous light, into the real world.

And it seems that is what you're doing.

And yes it does get better! \:\)

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#41096 - 06/17/03 06:37 PM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
It depends on what you mean by better Michael. If you mean some absolutes such as: will you be free of depression - will you be free of anger - will you be successful and content with your success - will you be popular - will you be amusing and socially adept ????? The answer is probably not. The fact is: everyone experiences ups and downs in life, and few people are wholly satisfied with their lot in life. People who have never even heard of SA issues are prone to ups and downs. Navigating life is a learning experience for everyone and some will learn better and faster than others. It isn't necessarily about sexual abuse. I am a year younger than you and have also experienced the asexual non appetite thang for periods of months, I put it down to age and a lower hormone level, no big deal. As we are well into middle age, our interests, abilities and perspectives change. Sometimes I look at life and ask myself "is that all there is Alfie". And then I am reminded to ask myself "how much am I putting into this". If the answer is: Not much, but I'm sure feeling sorry for myself. Then don't expect much back.
Peace, Andrew


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#41097 - 06/17/03 06:58 PM Re: What if this is as good as it gets?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Michael
I'm lucky in that I have my wife and friends around me, and I don't experience loneliness unless I want to be alone, which is a an entirely different thing I know.

But as I shifted my old behaviours - deviances as you call them fits my old acting out I suppose - I found the empty feelings you feel as well.

I had to make a concious effort to fill my head and my time with something new, hopefully something better as well.
I started with small stuff like listening to talk radio instead of music as I drove around all day at work. That way my mind was active as I ranted and raved at the idiots on the radio, although sometimes I even agreed with them. But it turned my mind away from being a vacant lot just waiting for a fantasy to fill it.

From there I returned to my old hobbies of woodworking, reading and becoming active with the 4x4 Club I was in. I started to edit the newsletter, became a committee member. I'm building a new competition 4x4 at the moment.
I also find time to help here and at a local charity that helps survivors.

Five years ago I vegetated in front of the TV every night, now I hardly turn the thing on. I was a recluse in my own mind, I met people but didn't interact with them in any meaningful way at all.

We make a tremendous effort to start our healing, and as it progresses we find it takes less effort to maintain, at least that's what I felt.
So I diverted that effort, I looked around and saw what my friends and workmates did and I wondered how they managed to fit it all in ?
And when I tried I found I could too, well most of it I fit in anyway.

I spent so much time as a victim thinking that I was useless and nobody would want to bother with me that when I did get off my arse and try new things I was shocked to find that I was very little different to anyone else. Now my relationships with friends are completely different, I share myself with them I guess, and I get a lot in return.

Pick up a local paper and see what's going on, they advertise so people go to their events whatever they may be - so that's half the battle won.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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