Got your attention?
You're probably browsing these threads wondering "is it possible for me?"
3 years ago, I was a horrible mess. Suicidal, depressed, completely disconnected and distrustful of everyone and everything, including myself. I distrusted just BEING.
3 years ago, I described myself in a 12 step group as "I'm lost at sea and can't see land and don't have a boat. I don't know which direction to swim. I am so lost and terrified and fear I am about to drown in my own confusion and anger."
I've been working at recovery for the better part of 30 years. I'm 40 now. Yes, my efforts started when I was about 11 or 12.
It's only been since I stepped into the rooms of ALANON and since I came here 1.7 years ago that I find cause to celebrate.
3 years ago:
I hated myself.
I hated life.
I was incredibly lonely.
I believed I would never know love. I would die a lonely man.
I was very very angry.
I was a helpless victim without any power to change my circumstances.
I believed I was retarded.
I was a slave to my emotions.
I couldn't trust anyone.
I couldn't develop any friendships or intimacy.
Dateless and unlovable.
TODAY I can proudly claim:
I am beginning to like myself.
I have several characteristics that I *really* like about myself.
I feel empowered.
I now know that I have the power to change how I think and feel. My emotions no longer rule me.
I am capable of developing intimacy.
I am now dating!!
The last point - I'm dating - floors me. Shit, just a few months ago I was saying ON THIS VERY FORUM "I don't believe I'll ever understand romantic relationships. It just doesn't exist in this universe."
Now I'm dating someone I really like who likes me. And we've been slowly opening up to each other and becoming intimate.
For the very first time in my 40 year old life - being loved and loving someone else now seems possible.
I never thought it would be possible.
But it is. Possible.
PS: PM's are welcome!
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.