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#410841 - 09/20/12 05:56 PM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1334
Hi Gary,

When I read your question I immediately thought of the things we were taught - things others have already stated.

We were taught that masturbation was something one did to themselves, that it was self abuse, and that only those "sick in the head" did such things.

My former T asked me about masturbation one day and I reiterated those things to him. He was taken aback by the veracity with which I said those statements. He then asked me who told me such things.

The fact is, masturbation, when not done compulisively or in a manner harmful (ie. being late to work, taking time out of your work day, etc.) is healthy. Studies show that males between the ages of 15 - 50 who masturbate at least 5 times a week have a lower incidence of prostate cancer.

I was once friends with someone who started shaming her son for masturbating. He would wait until he was taking a shower, a very appropriate place. But she made him feel ashamed of his body and his budding sexuality. We had a discussion about that and her attitude was "I don't like it." I am sorry she ever said such things to her son.

The only things we were taught about sex in the house in which I lived was that there was only one reason for sexual activity - procreation. If one was not going to procreate, or could not procreate, then one should abstain. Any thoughts or deeds were dirty and "evidence" of a diseased mind.

Perhaps you, too, were given such messages and you were made to feel ashamed of yourself. I hope you never had such things said to you. But it might be the genesis of the shame you are feeling.

There isn't anything inherently unhealthy, physically or mentally, about masturbation. Nor does it matter if one is in a relationship. Being in a relationship is not contrary to masturbating, though if one is not getting their needs met, then there needs to be some discussion with one's partner.

Before you masturbate again, ask yourself a few questions:

1. Was I given negative messages about sex/ sexuality?

2. Was I given messages that made me ashamed of my body?

3. Was I given messages that made me feel ashamed of having a biological need?

Think about the messages you were given. If they were negative messages, try to replace them with facts and truth.

Then meet your needs and try to enjoy the experience, during and after.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#410842 - 09/20/12 05:59 PM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Anomalous]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Oh shit!

I need to masturbate more!

Originally Posted By: Anomalous
Hi Gary,

...Studies show that males between the ages of 15 - 50 who masturbate at least 5 times a week have a lower incidence of prostate cancer.....


Anomalous


***and excellent advice at the end of your note too, Anomalous. Clarity of purpose when masturbating will keep you from falling onto the rocks of unhealthy masturbation.


Edited by Magellan (09/20/12 06:01 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#410844 - 09/20/12 06:02 PM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I did it enough when I was younger to last a lifetime then..ha
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#410847 - 09/20/12 06:26 PM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 844
Loc: Northeast, USA
Originally Posted By: JustScott
Add to that, for me I struggle to not have all manner of degrading thoughts/feelings/fantasies go through my mind when the MB ensues. So when it's all over, I feel those dirty/wounded/shameful feelings again.

Maybe it ties in directly to the fact that most of us at some point feel we were at fault for the abuse or that we somehow caused it?


I think so Scott. The feelings (shame and blame) associated with MBing are as natural and as a part of me as is my own identity. Recovery from MBing in this way is a lifelong process me thinks. Akin to an addiction. I really don't think I'll ever really be rid of that compulsion. If I do recover and develop some sort of "normal" sex life, they'll most likely be that compulsion lying just beneathe the surface somewhere.

Caz
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#410886 - 09/20/12 10:35 PM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Casmir213]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10946
Loc: Denver, CO
Gents, I posted this question in another perspective a while back, right here, and got some interesting responses. See what you think.
_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#410900 - 09/20/12 11:40 PM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
removed per user


Edited by ModTeam (05/02/13 01:36 PM)

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#410926 - 09/21/12 08:20 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: FormerTexan]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 844
Loc: Northeast, USA
Thanks for the info Andy

Caz
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#410931 - 09/21/12 09:02 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi guys,

I'm really surprised by the weird tension in this thread, so in the interest of unravelling a bit of it, here's what I see:

1. A question was asked, openly looking for answers: But when I need to relieve myself I feel like a little kid, ashamed of what I'm doing. Any ideas what thats all about?

2. One of us, trying to engage, openly answered the open question with his honest opinion "Sin." Then said take it or leave it, it's my 2 cents.

3. People began to react to the implications. And then the judgments started. Suddenly nitsaved is the icon of irresponsible religion mongering instead of the one who gave us worthy response. If you think about it calmly, sin could very well be a reason why someone would have shame over masturbation. That fact doesn't mean that sin is Garydosh's issue, but it sure is a worthy part of the general answer to the question.

4. As members of this group, we need to be aware of the way triggers work and realize that we can't control being triggered by trying to pre-censor other members of the group. We can't read each others' minds, so we can't be perfect in our communication. That means we need to watch our reactivity and ask questions before presuming someone means the thing we're upsetting ourselves about. For example, someone might've asked, "Are you really saying that all masturbators are going to hell?" And the response to this would have taken the thread in an interesting direction. I'm now picturing an afterlife support group of people burning in the firey furnace and sharing their regrets.

5. On the other hand the whole conversation is on track isn't it? After all, masturbation is a cultural shame in this country and the history is probably puritan and involves a lot of censorship.

I hope this is helpful,

Danny

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#410933 - 09/21/12 09:59 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
Hey all,

I'd like to chime in again on threads, back-and-forth and tolerance.

I think anyone who read over my posts, as I did, probably saw that I reacted to... oh about 50 triggers or so. I think others might say about the same. But I want to be perfectly clear that while I'll always stand up to what I see as intolerance, I'll never write off an individual. It's like disciplining your kids. Focus on the problematic thing they did, not the person who did it. All of us here... even people who snipe occasionally and then vanish... are here for a reason, on the road to healing. It's a strange and curious road. And it doesn't always go in a straight line. But I trust the road that I'm on, and even when I have reactions like I have had the past couple days... well, I think that ultimately those reactions although painful have been good for me.

And so I hope nobody takes anything I wrote personally. I appreciate all of you, and I respect your processes.

That said... I've also been thinking about why masturbation is such a touchy subject for us. I was abused before puberty, and was exposed to some shitty stuff after puberty. And for me, I find that unless I make a conscious decision I will literally masturbate every time other stuff in my life grinds to a pause... and if I'm alone. I often think of that feeling I get before I masturbate as "bored." I talked to my therapist about this. She suggested I think about and write down the feelings and impressions I get when I think of boredom. What other experiences I associate with boredom, which is a feeling that is sometimes linked to dissociation. Plus, sometimes kids who were abused just have a heightened sexuality. Everyone who's seen a therapist has probably heard that drill....

Anyway, thanks for riding this rough trail, guys.

Bob

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#410936 - 09/21/12 10:54 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
I'm too busy masturbating to reply to this thread - I don't want prostate cancer!...


.... joking aside ...

My apologies to anyone who was triggered by my using my voice regarding religious judgments. Religious dogmatism is a huge trigger for me - I'm one of millions of people victimized by the "church". So, yeah - religious dogmatism, I think - is dangerous.

Others have alluded to it, why masturbation is such a hot topic, I think it is an after effect of the puritanism (victorian era) in the US from 100+ years ago. Strict religious adherence of sexual expression limited to procreation.

Culturally, we're still entrapped in this mode of thinking - that sexual expression and masturbation are inherently wrong and shameful acts if they don't lead to procreation. The resultant repression and suppression and shame disallows us to TALK about these things, and in this SILENCE - ABUSE can happen.

This is why I think religious dogmatism is dangerous... the result of religious dogmatism in a culture leads to a culture where abuse is allowed to thrive in an atmosphere of SHAME and SILENCE. This is classic Psychology 101 - when you repress and suppress, dysfunction ensues.

For those of you who were triggered by my surprising response earlier in this thread, I apologize. It wasn't aimed at you, and I trust that you know that.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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