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#410692 - 09/20/12 01:05 AM All Guys Do It
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Allright I got your attention. But lets face it, we all relieve ourselves. Its normal. Some more than others. Some are lucky enough to have regular sex partners. Some are older and the drive isn't as strong anymore. But we all do it. My question is why do I as a CSA survivor still feel guilty about it? I've weaned myself off porn for the most part. I've let go of fantasizing about my abuse and abuser. When I have sex with a woman (a rare thing)I LOVE it. But when I need to relieve myself I feel like a little kid, ashamed of what I'm doing. Any ideas what thats all about?
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#410693 - 09/20/12 01:18 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 826
Loc: Kc,Mo
already no this will Not be the popular answer but I call it for what it is


SIN



agree or disagree that is my 2 pennies
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#410697 - 09/20/12 02:06 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
I am not so weak that this shames me. Men come here for understanding and support. Keep your judgemental attitude to yourself before you do some real damage to somebody who isn't as strong.
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#410698 - 09/20/12 02:16 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3193
Loc: back in the USA
one reason is that it is so often very closely linked to porn use/habits - which can be very harmful.

another is that it can - in my experience - lead to re-living abusive events - not a healthy or positive practice.

another - that it tends to encourage isolation and withdrawal and if there is someone that you are in a relationship with - it can hurt them and make them feel inadequate and rejected.

and - like nlt says - many people feel it is sinful - or have been conditioned to feel that way - so there is a lot of guilt attached to it.

and yeah - we are taught by society that "real men" wouldn't have to do that. they'd have plenty of other options. so we feel less than whole and immature and weak and undesirable...
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#410700 - 09/20/12 02:25 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1362
Loc: California
I wonder how much religion has to play with introducing shame into sexuality and sexual expression within a society/culture? Shame and guilt seem to emanate from religious belief and judgment.

In many cultures where Christinaity is not the predominant religion, masturbating is considered completely normal and natural and accepted.

I grew up a fundamentalist Christian and became deeply ashamed of my sexual awakening at 13. Masturbation was evil and inherently wrong. I missed out on learning about my body because of this shame for years.

I wish I never had that experience either (in addition to the CSA). Shaming someone for masturbating is as silly and pointless as shaming someone for drinking milk.

No - I take that back. As a CSA survivor who has had to deal with incredible amounts of shame -- I have to say that shaming someone for learning about and exploring their own body qualifies as abuse.

D


Edited by Magellan (09/20/12 02:43 AM)
Edit Reason: clarity
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#410701 - 09/20/12 02:35 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3566
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey buddies Gary and nltsaved, we are at same sides...
For some of us who were introduced to sexual world at very early age I think that some things were simply imprinted and it is impossible to avoid some negative effects - here I think more about some fantasies and same sex attraction and so on. I'm not sure about shame, I don't have it when I need to relieve myself, I thnik it is normal and completely biologically and physiologically conditioned need and that is. But I know that my mum was very against it and I as boy have fight about it, at the end I've decided to not talk about it, her talking was more than distrurbing for me frown
She talked from puritan point of view and I as boy thought how insane that is so I closed myself completely for future talks, must say that I've felt isolated and lonely...

Pero
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#410705 - 09/20/12 02:51 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: nltsaved]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: nltsaved
already no this will Not be the popular answer but I call it for what it is


SIN



agree or disagree that is my 2 pennies


I still AM an evangelical Christian. I've never heard nor seen the Bible directly discuss Masturbation (as in "never"). It does talk about sexual impurity, but I think MB and sexual impurity have precious little to do with each other....no....nothing to do with each other.

We were sinned against and damaged. Though our sex-switch was turned-on prematurely or not, MB is an element of life. Its a body-life element.

I KNOW for a fact that if some younger perpetrators knew they could MB their way out of dramatically-strong urges, some CSA would never take place.

Finally, dropping the "SIN" bomb/label upon someone seeking answers is not answering anything. Its bombing him with a judgement. Judging the item a survivor is seeking help with is not helping. Its tossing a grenade and ducking-down.

Don't do that here please. Its fully non-constructive to God's wishes. it smacks of police enforcement and we are NOT called to be God's earthly enforcers.

"SIN" does not help the wounded do diddly or understand squat. It just comes-off as arrogant Christian Crap.

The truths of the bible are always truth, but this topic is not even defined therein.


Edited by Robbie Brown (09/20/12 02:51 AM)
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#410706 - 09/20/12 02:53 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
On this forum, where we openly and frankly discuss all kinds of sexual issues, and all types of sexuality with acceptance and respect, it dumbfounds me that the subject of masturbation is raising even a ripple of controversy. Forget I ever brought it up.

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#410707 - 09/20/12 02:55 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: peroperic2009]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
Hey buddies Gary and nltsaved, we are at same sides...
For some of us who were introduced to sexual world at very early age I think that some things were simply imprinted and it is impossible to avoid some negative effects - here I think more about some fantasies and same sex attraction and so on. I'm not sure about shame, I don't have it when I need to relieve myself, I thnik it is normal and completely biologically and physiologically conditioned need and that is. But I know that my mum was very against it and I as boy have fight about it, at the end I've decided to not talk about it, her talking was more than distrurbing for me frown
She talked from puritan point of view and I as boy thought how insane that is so I closed myself completely for future talks, must say that I've felt isolated and lonely...

Pero




As a kid, I was compulsive about MB at age 7 or 8 and onward. And hey! I did not even hit puberty till I was 15.5....the last one in my graduating class of 356.

Considering how much time at ages 8-10 I spent covering-up physical evidence of anal rape, MB was pretty background in my life and was some sort of trauma-reaction that I still have not figured-out.
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#410709 - 09/20/12 03:09 AM Re: All Guys Do It [Re: Jude]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I find it amazing that you mentioned that you "occasionally have sex with a woman" and here I am assuming that you are not married, and then you mention that you feel guilty masturbating, and the masturbation is labelled as sin. Weird? So it is ok to sleep around but don't spank the monkey.

This however is not the Question that you asked.
I think Traveller has the right answer if there is is such a thing as right in this situation.
I used to spank the monkey as often as I could, this coupled with the porn was my best relationship.
Gary All I can say is the fact that you are asking questions like this means that you are HEALING, you are moving forward, questioning behaviours and checking in to see what is and what isn't normal.
This is, believe it or not, good progress.

Don't be put off by silly arguments, or side tracked by religious discussions. My theory is that if it helps you, put it out there.
Who are we to question whether this or that technique worked or didn't.
We are all different, we all have our own way of healing, don't knock the other guys method, after all the ultimate goal is healthy functioning men, and if following Christ works then it works.

Heal well and keep searching
Martin
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