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#410651 - 09/19/12 04:47 PM Re: grooming *TRIGGERS* [Re: traveler]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
It's a strange thing to read this thread. I ignored it most of the day. I'm not sick exactly, readying it. But it definitely triggers a string of feelings. I wasn't groomed like treated nicely or praised. I was told that what we were doing was fun, that it's what people did, that it would be practice for sex with women when we were older. I was 10. The main person who raped me was, I think, 15 or 16. I remember crying with my face in a pillow while he did it, and while some other kids laughed. We were all scared shitless, I understand now. But then, I don't know what I thought, just that it wasn't fun. That it felt fucked up and weird. That it scared me. That it hurt. And confused me. For instance, I didn't know what "jizz" was. I didn't know what an orgasm was. I was too young. So I thought he was peeing on me, and I didn't understand why he was acting so weird. It just didn't make sense. That was when I was in fourth grade. In the winter. This was at my best friend's house. And I guess that my friend and his brother were raped first, and they were groomed, definitely, because they're the ones who got me into it, especially my friend's little brother, who was just crazy with what he did, what he put up with, what he said he liked. It's really hard to get away from a situation like that. I was scared. This guy was hurting me on a regular basis, raping me, and yet it was all supposed to be this great warm-up act for girls, and we were all supposed to be together in on it, although the German kid was the ringleader who did all the raping. I can't even begin to describe here how terrible this was, how it absolutely shot my life onto a different course, on that could very easily have killed me a hundred times over. And while I've never thought about what it would be like to be stranger-raped or whatever, I wonder if it would be easier in some ways because you'd know that you didn't ask for it, that it was forced on you, and so you're not so guilty and disgusting and creepy and sleazy. I know it wouldn't be easier. It would just be different. But let me tell you, the abuse I suffered was fucking miserable. And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. This hurts too much to write or whatever. Hell.

Anyway.

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#410665 - 09/19/12 08:31 PM Re: grooming *TRIGGERS* [Re: traveler]
Yerac Offline


Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 45
Loc: Southern CA
.

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#410681 - 09/19/12 11:38 PM Re: grooming *TRIGGERS* [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
SORRY guys!

i hope i didn't cause any hurtful triggers. i can only plead temporary insanity. but i did gain some meaningful insight.

i wasn't really meaning that i wanted to be groomed. and i din't mean that i'd have prostituted myself for the sake of the "goodies" that perps give. i guess what struck me so strongly in reading the article was the overwhelming need that keeps victims from telling or escaping and even keeps them coming back for more abuse. i totally understand that. it is like an irresistable vortex that can just pull you in.

Gabe - i like your comparison about the two fields - equal crap. or - as i thought about it while reading responses - like deciding which leg you'd rather have cut off - right or left? obviously - neither is a good aleternative. thanks for being gentle in your answer.

Pero - "unfortunately those things that you've missed as kid should not be nor could be given by perp" and "hunger for father's love is much stronger feeling that screams from your post compared to envy to those who were groomed" you are so right - i see that now.

ShortedDiode - "I guess CSA is a losing situation no matter what." truer words were never spoken! thanks for seeing and describing both sides from your point of view. helped restore my balance and sanity.

cant_remember - well worth repeating: "there's no hierarchy of abuse. It all sucks, no matter what." i do sympathize with you predicament. can't really tell you which is worse. mabebe it's like being groomed or not - all equally bad.

unhappycamper - you are right - "it's all done by and for the perv." i guess that would make everything turn toxic in hindsight.

Metolius - "I think working on recovery, there's an opportunity to go beyond thinking we can only choose between various forms of abuse." good reminder - sometimes we forget to look beyond our circumstances. your thoughts were very helpfl.

John - "As for me, my home life was filled with physical and emotional abuse, I met my abuser who lifted me up when I was down, paid attention to me, I was his 'special boy'." yep - i had the 1st but not the 2nd. guess i was deluded to think that would have made it "better." sorry you had both.

Magellan - thanks for that additional insight. you took it another step - and made it even more meaningful.

Garydosh - i can see that being groomed is really nothing to envy - we all end up in the same dump.

Thank you all for your contributions. again - i apologize if i caused additional pain by seeming to suggest that some victims had it better than others. such was not my intent.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#410684 - 09/19/12 11:45 PM Re: grooming *TRIGGERS* [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3322
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i didn't know how to get to the 2nd page while reading the posts on page 1 - so here is part 2 of my responses to your responses:

Robert - SOOO sorry. i honor and respect your courage in even reading this - and even more in writing about your experience. "I know it wouldn't be easier. It would just be different." i guess that is the bottom line for me too, now that i have come to my senses.

Yerac - "That's all that grooming really does...it convinces you against all logic that the abuse was somehow your fault." news for you - many of us who weren't groomed also feel that way. i know it doesn't make any sense - but there it is. i guess we are more alike than i thought.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#410687 - 09/20/12 12:21 AM Re: grooming *TRIGGERS* [Re: traveler]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I think I know what you mean.

I'm sure that my older brother was also abused by our older half brother (to a lesser degree if that is possible) But they used to do fun normal boy stuff together as well. I didn't get any of the good stuff - just the yukky stuff.

I feel a bit ripped off.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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