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#410588 - 09/19/12 01:16 AM it's good to be here (altho not good to need it)
Dragon Boy Offline


Registered: 09/18/12
Posts: 29
Loc: uk
Good evening gentlemen (or good morning depending on what time of day you're reading this).

I'm a survivor of various kinds of abuse by various people over the years, from before I can even remember as a child until way unto adulthood). I have been working to try to heal for a few years but there's a lot to work through and just over the last few days I've experienced a very difficult time during which several very painful but very impartant new realizations have come to light.

Right now it hurts like hell but I also feel a strange kind of sence of peace because I think some major blocks to my healing have been broken through.

As a result of the abused I am dissociative so please excuse me if things I write are sometimes a little disjointed or inconsistant.


Recently I joined another survivor site. It seemed to be almost entirely women but when I voiced my concern over that I was assured that I was every bit as welcom. After I had started opening up to them and posting though I discovered that wouldn't be allowed to post anything triggering or receive support for any abuse other than purely physical or emotional abuse because the parts of the site for anything other than that were all private passworded areas for women only.

It felt so invalidating and really fed into a lot of feelings and messages that I struggle with anyway because it was like they were saying 'men don't get sexually, spiritually or domestically abused and what they experience is less serious than what women go through and they don't need so much support'.

I mean I totally understand that a lot of female survivors have trouble trusting men and need to have places that are not comunal to talk about some things, but if a place isn't going to offer any support to us then they should declare that outright by being a women only space altogether rather than welcoming us in and then makinv us feel worse!

It also seems like almost ALL the support seems to be focused on making safe places for women away from 'the monsters of the opposite gender' that they forget about us guys who need support altogether...and for that matter forget that some of the perpetrators and predators out there are women!

Sorry...got carried away with the point a bit. It's just a trigger point for me in multiple ways quite apart from the fact that the way that society in general and the survivor community even more so gives the message that women are vulnerable and men are monsters is a big problem that badly needs addressing. The perpetuation of that view isn't healthy or helpful for men OR women!

Anyway, it's that situation that has brought me here to find one of the only supports for male survivors that I could find...and here I am. I do apolagise fpr talking your ear's off and I hope I haven't put you all ofc before you even get to know me (and then you'll find out all the REAL reasons to avoid me wink ).
I look forward to getting to know you all.

Gabe

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#410592 - 09/19/12 02:23 AM Re: it's good to be here (altho not good to need it) [Re: Dragon Boy]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Welcome to MS mate...from the minus side of the GMT. I've only been on here a few months, a result of the Sandusky matter here in the States.

I've explored other sites, but I like the feel of things here, primarily that I can be exactly who I am, warts and all. And, as I have, I can vent until I feel better. Vent away!

(Depression and PTSD here, btw).

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#410595 - 09/19/12 04:05 AM Re: it's good to be here (altho not good to need it) [Re: Dragon Boy]
Avyi Offline


Registered: 09/16/12
Posts: 6
Loc: UK
Hi and welcome.

I only joined MS this week. I'm the female partner of a male survivor and I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced such negative feed back from other sites.

I know only too well as a partner and psychi nurse that men suffer as much, if not more at times. You will find so much support and information here, and you can be 'you'

Best wishes

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#410631 - 09/19/12 02:02 PM Re: it's good to be here (altho not good to need it) [Re: Dragon Boy]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1354
.
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#410632 - 09/19/12 02:02 PM Re: it's good to be here (altho not good to need it) [Re: Dragon Boy]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1354
Hi Dragon Boy,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

Many of the issues you mention - men being made out to be the monsters and women and children being made out to be the only ones who are vulnerable to the various abuses are issues against which rail and fight daily. Many of us challenge sites which state they are for helping "women and children overcome the oppression/ abuse/ victimization by men."

Unfortunately, too many in society and those who do the work in the areas of abuse, forget (or don't care to realize) that males are vulnerable to the same abuses and that we aren't always the perpetrators. While it may seem to be an uphill battle, I do not see it as one in which we will not eventually be victorious. But things are not going to change overnight, or even soon enough to prevent secondary victimization to males who have been harmed.

Here at MS you will not be told that what you have and need to say isn't worth hearing. You will be supported and validated.

You do not say whether or not you are in therapy. If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. There are hotlines and counseling organizations in the UK that you can find here. Please note the last resource, AEST.org, has closed.

There are several books you may find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in January.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#410646 - 09/19/12 03:40 PM Re: it's good to be here (altho not good to need it) [Re: Dragon Boy]
Dragon Boy Offline


Registered: 09/18/12
Posts: 29
Loc: uk
Thank you all for the welcome. It's good to meet you.

Thank you for all the information Anomalous.

I have worked with a therapist in the past but had to stop because of financial restraints. I do miss it a lot. After many unsucsessful and unhelpful experiences trying I had eventually found a great therapist and I know that still seeing her would be very benificial to me. I am at least able to draw at time on things I know she would say if I was able to talk to her about things.

I've read around the site a bit before joining and found a lot of it helpful. Now I'm here I have to admit I'm struggling a bit. In recent years I have actually had abusive experiences associated with survivor sites and I'm finding myself a little triggered. I think it's healthy for me to work through that and I need to support of being here. I'll work it out.

Gabe

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#410655 - 09/19/12 05:43 PM Re: it's good to be here (altho not good to need it) [Re: Dragon Boy]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
We're not perfect Gabe. But it's the best I've found. If someone strikes me as being testy or whatever - hell, I'm sensitive, too - I'll fall back on "take what you like and leave the rest."

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#410973 - 09/21/12 02:28 PM Re: it's good to be here (altho not good to need it) [Re: Dragon Boy]
Older1 Offline


Registered: 12/19/11
Posts: 51
Welcome here, Gabe

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#410981 - 09/21/12 05:46 PM Re: it's good to be here (altho not good to need it) [Re: Dragon Boy]
Dragon Boy Offline


Registered: 09/18/12
Posts: 29
Loc: uk
Hi Lancer and Ken. Thank you for the welcome.

I guess I didn't know how much to say at first...and maybe am reluctant to share too much to start with. To tell it all, there is honestly so much. My life feels full of random and unconnected abuses. My old therapist said that the lack of nurturing and boundaries I was taught at home made me a good target and many people through my life picked up on that. I have even had people use what I have told them of my abuse to hurt me more.

I will begin to tell more in time though.

As far as the dissociation. I have a large-ish system of 'alters' and there are many parts of my life that I have no memory of or only remember when some 'alter' or another are close to give it to me.

This is another reason why it's difficult for me to give information about what I've been through. There are a few times in my life where I have been told facts which suggest strongly that I was abused but which I have no memory of to back it up.

I was probably first sexually abused when I was about 3 years old (I was probably already being neglected and physically and emotionally abused before then). The most recent time I was sexually abused was about 7 or 8 years ago and I remember that time but only began to realise fully that it was abuse in the last few days. I have to be honest, I'm still in a bit of a tail spin over that discovery. It is both shatteringly painful and healing at the same time.

I want to add that for the last 6 years (any time spans I give are guesses. The dissociation makes it very difficult for me to relate to time as most people know it) I've been in my first ever healthy relationship with a wonderful woman who is also a dissociative survivor of abuse and we have 2 teenage kids (hers biologically but just as much mine in all our minds). We are however forced to live with my emotionally abusive parents. We hope we will be able to change that soon.

Gabe

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