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#384212 - 02/03/12 06:20 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Thebo,

What I see you posting as having done is to quickly and damningly (is that a word) place a harsh judgement on yourself - after the first day of class.

You have prepared for this by all the steps and education and studying and classes and interviews and applications and paperwork and moving forward that you did to bring you to this point.

One of the keystone phrases that pops into my my head is "Action is the only thing that matters". My opinions, fears, thoughts, paralysis- none of it matters as much as the actions I take, what I do,and just moving ahead right now.

What I see is a bright, motivated, articulate student (dare I say, compassionate?) who is afraid and wants to cut and run. (That was me at one point, and despite overwhelming fear and insecurity about my fitness for the course of study and institution, I stayed. I've found ways to sabotage this with messages since then, but I waded thru the muck and did my work and ignored much of my inner critic.)

Maybe a degree is something you need to build towards instead of jumping in with both feet-I don't know. But I do know that trying can turn things around. Even if i don't belief it sometimes.....I know it and have experienced it every time I put myself out there...

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#384374 - 02/04/12 09:47 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 330
Loc: NYC
Yes, I am very afraid.


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#384378 - 02/04/12 10:13 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Do you have some good face to face support?

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#384393 - 02/05/12 12:38 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Mountainous Buck]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thebo
I have a few quotes from some inspirational people, maybe it'll help.
In my mind you are already a hero, and I hope that you will continue to post on your progress. You inspire me to go out and do the same as you because I want to become a counselor

Don't Give up.......please


"Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it."
~ Bill Cosby

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it. "
~ Rabindranath Tagore

"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
~ Elbert Hubbard

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
~ Dale Carnegie

A personal Favourite


"Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here."
~ Marianne Williamson

And one more hard hitting one (read it carefully and meditate on it.)

"I will not die an un-lived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit."
~ Dawna Markova

Heal well
MArtin


_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#384717 - 02/07/12 01:45 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: whome]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 330
Loc: NYC
Today's going to be a sparring match with my T. He is so friggin' unrealistic with all this school stuff. I thought once a person leaves the hallowed halls of higher education he would not move into residence in an ivory tower. Think again. Damn!


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#384736 - 02/07/12 02:45 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3617
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Thebo,
You have to think on all of us who believe in you!!!!

Do you afraid? – Yes, actually you are trembling wink!
Do all of us afraid for you and worry for outcome? – Yes, I’m afraid the most that you’ll be too disappointed in case you wouldn’t be successful.
Would it be hard anyway (age is no matter, education is difficult activity)? – Yes, we all are aware of this.
Would there be moments when you’ll think that you can't do it? – Yes, there would be many occasions like that, especially in the beginning; but with time you’ll completely forget your fears – I guarantee this 100% wink.
Is all this some kind of madness? - In positive sense IT IS, this is lifetime challenge smile!!!

Should anyone be harsh to you if you don't succeed? – No, you've tried to fulfill your inner dream – even try is huge accomplishment. Many of us are scared even to think about it smile!
Should you stop doing your beautiful collages and stop expressing yourself in artistic way if you don’t succeed? - Certainly no, you are in some way already artist/therapist who is living his own art so that wouldn’t be possible anyway! It is impossible to live without air...
Should we all put our hope in you? – Yes, it is worthy. We could get terrible inspiring story and example that everything is possible; actually we are in some way already part of that story!

Should we all take you in our prayers wishing you success? – HUGE YEEEES!!!
Every day you’ll be in my prayers, no matter if you will not finish that school, you deserve it just because you’ve though it is possible.

Now go to your T and tell him that all MS is expecting of him to push away all your bad thoughts regarding this school smile. Your failure would mean his failure to all of us (more than 9.000 people) and it would be better for him to do some good job smile!!!


_________________________
My story

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#384929 - 02/08/12 02:36 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: peroperic2009]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 330
Loc: NYC
So many things are happening my head is spinning and I feel out of control. My home computer got corrupted so, for the time being I am stuck at cyber centers. I cannot afford to take the time to wait for my tekkie to show up to fix it.

One of my classmates is trying to strike up a friendship and it is freaking me out. I feel like I am walking on landmines. I hate interacting one-on-one in person. But I don't want to be rude.

Any encouragement my T has expressed comes across wrong. I asked him last night why he was making fun of me. He said he wasn't but what he is saying is far out of my comfort zone he understands why I think he is ridiculing me.

I am not special. I am not courageous. I am not charismatic. I am sick and tired of people saying it. I went into therapy because I was sad all the time and completely exhausted. I can't believe it but I am even more exhausted. No one seems to understand the feeling. I tell them, they nod, then hand me a 50lb. boulder to carry uphill. I assume that there's another pile of bullshit waiting for me at the next bend. In fact when I wake up everyday I groan because I woke up.

I got to find a job, budget the loan payment, so I can cut this loose in June. My T keeps telling me to hang in, that I have something special to give. Dam! If he's so set on this, let him do it!


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#386039 - 02/16/12 12:45 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 330
Loc: NYC
I hate my Understanding and Treatment of Victims of Abuse class. No wonder so many of us run into T's that don't understand and are bona fide idiots on helping us. I have never met such a bunch of kiss-ass airheads sucking up biased and misinformation like it was manna from heaven.

One of my few remaining friends (who is gradually being written off by degrees) scolded me yesterday for not caring about what grades I get. Really? Oops! I forgot. Higher education is NOT about learning.


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#387234 - 02/25/12 03:37 PM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 330
Loc: NYC
This past Thursday's Victims of Abuse class was so difficult. The teacher showed a film entitled "Scared Silent" narrated and hosted by none other than Oprah Winfrey. I'm thinking of her 200 Men program she did about a year or so ago. I have never watched it, but I know of it. I understand that it was a show that was very supportive of victims. "Scared Silent," for me was the polar opposite. Focusing on the perps the documentary seemed almost sympathetic to them. The victims told their stories but it seemed they were doing that to fill in gaps of information. For the two cases that were incest between fathers and their daughters, the perps kept talking about something "taking over" and making them do what they did, like they were helpless and could not stop it. WTF!?! The strongest message of the film was about healing the perps. It recommends "healing the family." In one case, everyone was in therapy and daddy lived at home with his wife and the daughter he had raped. Dear God! Are these mental health professionals out of their minds?! Seriously, God, tell me something that makes sense out of this approach.

During the screening there was a pint I had to control the tears. Even though we were in the dark, the teacher sat across from me and we were in view of each other. At another point I felt like jumping up, tearing down the screen and screaming, "This is fuckin' bullshit!" Sincerely, I wanted to find those men, hunt them down, and kill them with my bare hands!

Needless to say, by the end of class I was a mess of emotions: anger, rage, sadness, frustration, helplessness.

Anyway, I am more settled down today. Believe me, when this class is over, i'm heading to the bar and tell the bartender to keep lining up the martinis til I pass out.

Damn!


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#392046 - 04/03/12 10:53 AM Re: Moving ahead [Re: Thebo]
Thebo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 330
Loc: NYC
Chapter 17: Adult Survivors. It's my/our story. I may need to skip class.

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