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#410369 - 09/17/12 11:03 AM How many dates until "love" feelings?
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
Hi folks,

rather than type a long doozy like I usually do, I'd like to ask a question of people who are experienced in 'dating' and relationships.

How many dates do people typically go on with someone before they discover that they have feelings for them, or that there is major potential for a relationship to develop? Is that the same as falling in love?

I'm dating someone for the first time in years, we just had our 5th date, and we messed around for the first time. This is a first for me (I'm a typical CSA survivor that wants to have sex as soon as possible - for the validation).

This is entirely different than any dating experience I've ever had before, and its a little befuddling.

I suppose I should add - since we took our time before getting sexual, I've had the chance to get to know him. He has many quirks and doesn't present well sometimes (slob), and I find myself very judgmental at times. Some of these things could thwart pursuing anything based on my own obsessive thinking and questioning cycles. But he's also got qualities about him and his personality that I absolutely love about him.

Could use your input and experience here.

Thanks guys

D


Edited by Magellan (09/17/12 11:16 AM)
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#410375 - 09/17/12 12:01 PM Re: How many dates until "love" feelings? [Re: Magellan]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
That's great news, D! I'm psyched that you've had fun with this dude! If I were you, I'd relax your mind about love. You're having fun with this guy. He's into you. He's a different person than you in some ways--messier and quirky and whatever. But he likes being with you. That's cool. Hey, every relationship is based on give-and-take. None of it sounds like deal-breaker material, especially if he puts up with you being occasionally judgmental, right!?! (I'm just giving you a hard time!)

As time goes on, and you learn how much you can and should emotionally commit to this guy, and really settle into a rhythm with him, you'll start to know how things might proceed.

Here's the thing to think about. You have your heart to consider, as well as your boundarylessness ability to just dissociate your emotions and fuck. It sounds like you're staying present, emotionally, and you're conscious about your own boundary issues. So it's only your heart that we've got to think about. At some point, it would be cool to have a good conversation with this dude. Maybe over a meal. "Hey, I'm really into you. I'm also a little nervous. I don't have a lot of experience with mature relationships, and to be perfectly honest, I have some emotional baggage...." And you could talk over how you feel....

Good luck. You sound like you're ready to take some risks, and that's really what it takes. Good! I'm psyched for you. Update often, please.

Bob

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#410379 - 09/17/12 12:16 PM Re: How many dates until "love" feelings? [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
Thanks, Bob.

We've already had bits and pieces of that conversation already. He knows some of the background I had, and I already disclosed my CSA, but didn't go into detail how much devastation it wrought in my life emotionally. He seems very receptive to it, and non judgmental over it. He's indicated that he has some baggage as well, but he hasn't disclosed anything with detail yet.

So we've already had some pretty intimate conversations. And during our last date, he asked me point blank what I thought about relationships and what role I saw myself playing. He was clearly fishing, and obvious about it.

I'm surprised by his frankness at times, and by his playfulness, too.


Despite the discomforts (and my judgments!), there's a very obvious level of comfort and trust that seems to be organically emerging during our time together. And that is what is befuddling. This is contrary to every prior experience where I needed to have "his" (whoever it may be) assurance and validation. Since we got sexual, I see the compulsion there again - to behave in ways that signal to him that I need to be validated. And staying present to that as much as I can.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#410381 - 09/17/12 12:23 PM Re: How many dates until "love" feelings? [Re: Magellan]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
That's great Magellan! Cool. Do you listen to savagelove podcast? I think Dan Savage gives great advice. You know, it's hard for us to be sexual but not to allow that sex to become something else, something that allows us to avoid things or perpetuate abuse. But it can be done. I know it can. I'm still working toward that myself, but I can see it ahead of me. I'm so damn happy for you. No matter what comes ahead, I'm just pleased at how well you're doing. Keep it up, my friend. Keep it up. Bob

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#410457 - 09/17/12 10:37 PM Re: How many dates until "love" feelings? [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
Thanks again, Bob.

We'll see what happens. Date # 5 of what appears to be a healthy, functional relationship!!

It's a record for me! And an indicator of major and profound progress in my own recovery work.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#410475 - 09/18/12 12:34 AM Re: How many dates until "love" feelings? [Re: Magellan]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Holy sh*t D, 5th date? Where was I? (Probably out doin' the lawn). Fuckin' excellent. Hmm...guess y'all like each other, huh?

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#410477 - 09/18/12 01:04 AM Re: How many dates until "love" feelings? [Re: Magellan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
Hey, D!

no one can say how many dates or how much time it takes - especially for us - the unusual ones!

sometimes there will be an immediate, almost instant connection - and you just "click" - other times it grows slowly and sneaks up on you until you just realize one day where you are and how you feel.

IMHO - it is not so much about when it starts - but where you go with it after that. longevity, perseverance, faithfulness, growing together - are all more important than the initial feelings or the cliche of "falling in love." it's both the destination AND the journey that are important - but not so much the point of departure - though you gotta start somewhere.

Lee


Edited by traveler (09/18/12 01:04 AM)
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sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
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#410482 - 09/18/12 01:24 AM Re: How many dates until "love" feelings? [Re: traveler]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6808
Loc: USA
Much in our culture teaches us that love is a swishy feeling that comes about in a rhapsodic moment. I found that the true and more permanent love is something that comes about with practice. It actually takes "work" to act in a loving way most of the time. Often we don't feel the swishy feeling when we are spending ourselves in the benefit of the other person. But the other person will feel "loved".

Puffer

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#410485 - 09/18/12 01:37 AM Re: How many dates until "love" feelings? [Re: Magellan]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hate to rain on the parade but Love at this point is a big ask.
Its your first date after many many years, its your first date since beginning the healing journey from CSA. Its a tough one brother, but I would go for the lets have some fun option and not worry to much about love.
Being a CSA survivor, Love is already a foreign concept, one that we need to still learn about.
Be content with having someone to share things with, have fun with, do things together and just generally get you out of your shell.
Enjoy life a little and learn to have fun.
You seem to be looking for reason to get out of this relationship in anyway so just learn to have fun in the moment, this is also an important part of our healing process.

I found that I was so intense about life, that I was to serious, and have had to back off a lot.
Matrix Men has also had to take a back seat, so has MS.

Balance man BALANCE, rough but true.

Heal well
Martin
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#410512 - 09/18/12 11:19 AM Re: How many dates until "love" feelings? [Re: Lancer]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
Yes, it appears we both like each other a lot. I'm finding that I'm having a hard time trusting this, it is "too good to be true". And yet I'm also judging him because of the way he dresses. What the hell?

Thanks for all your input guys, I feel like a complete newbie with all this, and so I don't know what "common sense" is when it comes to dating. And of course, some people fall madly in love immediately, and some people fall in love much later, and some couples never fall in love at all and have wonderful life long relationships.

I guess I'm wondering which feelings I'm having in me are real, and which ones I should share with him. I obviously don't want to scare him off with excitement and enthusiasm, but I also don't want to drive him off with being too aloof and "meh" about everything.

In our communications with each other, it is clear the trajectory of our relationship is closer, closer, intimacy, closer, and trust.

I'm amazed that this is happening to me. Just a couple months ago I was saying that romantic relationships just simply did not exist in my universe.

Blarg!

Originally Posted By: Lancer
Holy sh*t D, 5th date? Where was I? (Probably out doin' the lawn). Fuckin' excellent. Hmm...guess y'all like each other, huh?
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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