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#410453 - 09/17/12 09:46 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
.

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#410467 - 09/17/12 11:58 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Northern, I've been reading your posts in this thread here over the past while and have felt the intensity and pain mount. I try to always avoid telling people what I think they should do, but I am no therapist and am having trouble compiling that kind of support. With that said, it seems to me that you were bitter and sad about your split with your H, but his sharing his csa now has you stuck to him. Perhaps this is because you now regret kicking him out and think having known about his csa would have aloud you to forgive his infidelity. But I ask you this... Does his past make him any less responsible for how he treated you in your marriage? No, it doesnt. Regardless of his past, you made a choice that respected and honoured yourself when you asked him to leave and that choice should not have been any different had you known about the csa because it was true to you! From your most recent post, it sounds as if you settled for having him trample on you for years. I know you see yourself as strong and assertive, and I see myself the same way, yet we were still programmed to be caretakers. We are women and we were raised to think that our love (albeit tough love if necessary) would be enough to bring about change in someone. Maybe if your H had shared his csa earlier you could have supported him enough and been aware of his behaviour enough to call him on things and he *might* have been able to get the help he needed to avoid derailing your marriage, but there are SO MANY "ifs" and "maybes" in there that I think that sort of thinking is very, very destructive to your moving forward with your life. Forget about him and start living for you. I don't mean that if he ever *asked* to be a part of your life on good and healthy terms and had chosen recovery and was acting in a way that proved your needs mattered to him that you couldnt accept him back in your life, but right now none of that has occurred. Whether intentionally or not, he has managed to bind you to him from moving forward without him by sharing his abuse with you. I have no doubt that a part of him WANTS to be able to get his shit together and he is afraid he will loose you altogether, but what he might feel is not impacting his behaviour, so it is irrelevant. He is not responsible for his abuse, but he is absolutely responsible for how he chooses to act today.

Nothing you do or say will prompt this choice. If you truly move forward with your life and he realizes that he will loose you completely, he *might* choose recovery over this consequence, but even then, you have not done anything directly to bring this about. He has all the power and you have none over him. When you accept you are entirely powerless over him, as I did over my H, initially you feel very lost because you feel powerless over everything. Then slowly, you begin to see your truest sense of power. Self empowerment. Build the life you want and need and if he wishes to share it with you, let him ask to be invited along with you, but don't wait for him and dont try to drag him kicking and screaming along with you and dont resent him for remaining stuck in his own painful existence. Free yourself and feel empathy that he cannot do the same for himself. Empathy is not what leaves you feeling hurt and angry and resentful. What leaves you feeling these things is being stuck in the idea that he owes you a different outcome. But you owe yourself a different outcome now. You owe yourself joy and fulfilment and love. I know that isnt easy. I am struggling right along the same path. I am grieving for what *should* have been, but dammit it wasn't so the sooner I accept that I... yes, I let that happen, then I empower myself to have a different now and a different future. Knowing that I let it happen gives me the power to know that I can prevent it from happening again. I am still in my marriage, but my H is living in a different bedroom at my request. I love him immensely and miss him and am constantly tempted to just say "forget about everything and just come back to our bedroom". To say "forget my needs, I'll accept anything you throw at me as long as you promise to never leave me!" I feel so stupid admitting that there is a very big part of me that wants to just fold like a wet noodle, but if I dont admit it, then that creeping feeling can take hold. Point is, I am terrified of being alone, I am terrified I'll never have a love as deep as I feel for him again and I feel completely isolated right now. I am terrified that he will leave because he will only be able to meet my demands on his behaviour if he faces his past and maybe recovery will be more painful than facing a life without me. But, I am pushing steadfast because I know this is all I can do. I will loose myself completely if I don't do this. Your story of how the two of you ran from facing the ill health in your marriage by drinking and partying with friends is very much like mine. But this left me empty, isolated, depressed and full of anxiety. I have been on anti-depressants a couple years, been to personal therapy and marriage counselling, but nothing, NOTHING, filled the void inside myself because the cause was not external. It was in me and I am now trying to fill that void by breaking my codependance on my relationship with my H. I have not yet got to the point where I am building a life in my own vision, but I will once I have taken some time to nurture myself and feel good about my new boundaries. For now I am trying to "feed my wolf of divine light" as someone on here said before. When I do start to build and live life in my own joyful vision, I will definitely be inviting my H to join me, but I will do this with the knowledge that I have let go of the outcome. I hope to be at peace with whatever direction he chooses by ensuring my own direction will be giving myself everything I need. Our relationships should never fill a need in us. We should fill our own needs and our relationships should compliment what we have given to ourselves.

Well, I feel like I've rambled here and not sure if I am making sense anymore. I hope you find a way to move forward without him. If he chooses to walk beside you, great, but move forward for yourself no matter what the choice of his is. It is lonely and isolating at times, but we can take these feelings as a challenge to look for better ways to fulfill ourselves instead of getting stuck in the grief of the isolation.

Take care Northern and be good, kind and patient with yourself and let go of the rest. You have no power without, but an awesome source of power within yourself. And maybe do something for yourself that is fun. Just for you. Something that will help you feel light and laughter even just for a short while.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#410497 - 09/18/12 07:49 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
.

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#410510 - 09/18/12 11:12 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Northern... on behalf of myself as a survivor of abuse... goddamn... I'm sorry that you've had such a rough go of it. I'm at work right now and can't write much. I'll touch on a bunch of issues that you raised in a bit.... But I want you to know that this site has been so helpful to me. Your posts have been so helpful and healing for me. I had a wonderful evening with my wife last night, and if I can do it, you can, too.

Just one thing before I go. Don't think that your husband is having some wonderful relationship with the "other woman." It sounds to me like he's neck-deep in his abuse. If you want to see something about as shame cycle, look up one of my other posts this morning. The BDSM stuff, by the way, I hope, will eventually crack you up. (Make you laugh, not go crazy!) I mean, come on. It's just sex. If you want leather, break out the leather. Who cares? But it's not about that. It's about shame, secrecy, abuse, fear of getting caught....

And that's what your H carries with him. Honestly, my heart goes out to him. But mine can. He never hurt me. I think CdnDW is absolutely right.

Bob

Keep posting. You're an important contributor here. You can heal here. You can be safe here. Good luck.

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#410511 - 09/18/12 11:15 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
By the way, holy crap CdnDW, that was a beautiful thing you wrote!

You, too. Northernflicker. I'm stuck on here.... Reading and re-reading.... Thanks, guys.

Bob

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#410666 - 09/19/12 08:56 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88


Edited by northernflicker (09/20/12 01:49 AM)
Edit Reason: Boring and minor

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#410803 - 09/20/12 03:37 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
.

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#410935 - 09/21/12 10:10 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
.


Edited by northernflicker (12/08/12 12:09 PM)

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#410942 - 09/21/12 11:45 AM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 256
Loc: us
Northern. You are making awesome progress even though it may not feel that way. I'm so happy you are choosing to pursue your needs and not sacrifice yourself to the abuse demon. Keep moving onward and upward your H has a lot to figure out but has chosen to do it wothout you at this time. The best thing to do in my opinion is pursue your own health love and vitality for life. When we let our light shine when give others permission to do the same. I don't want to pretend that I. Don't realize how painful this must be for you I. Can relate to a lot of your story and somedays it feels like hell but I have learned that the times in my life when I grew the most as a person were the hard ones the ones that stretched me the ones were I had to work hard at it. You sound like a really loving awesome lady and I'm sure that no matter what you will find peace again in the future thanks and keep sharing
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#410948 - 09/21/12 12:17 PM Re: Separated and Just found out [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Thanks, HD. Where the head goes the heart will follow? I think that's how my husband functioned. Maybe this time in my life it will be for good not evil, so to speak.

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