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#407900 - 08/25/12 03:54 PM New & Don't Know What to Do
Cal20012 Offline


Registered: 08/25/12
Posts: 6

Newb - Just Signed Up.
Some things to Know about Me
+ Survivor in my Mid 40s
+ I have been diagnosed w/ Complex PTSD and …
+ Dissociative Identity Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified (DD-NOS)
+ … this means I have multiple personality characteristics, but not as strong as if I had full-on DID.
+ Here is a site w/ information about DID: [ http://www.sidran.org/ ]
+ I have a therapist who is experienced in Trauma and Dissociation and who is supervised by a PhD level psychologist who is a published expert in the specifics of sexual abuse by priests.
+ I have a blog: [ http://swimthrudetrauma.blogspot.com/ ] that journals some of my ‘stuff’.
+ What follows is a journal entry which I wanted to put here to get the feedback from other males who are survivors and how might have similar issues and some advice and encouragement.

+ + + + + + + + +

My Bisexual part (which I cal Jesse) made his appearance in therapy just today. And along w/ being shocked at co-consciously witnessing how my speech and my whole countenance changed so obviously, his perspective was actually quite sad. I expected to be hearing of his wild hedonistic fantasies, instead that Bisexual part of me discussed how it had to take on the fascinating and immensely physically pleasurable aspects of the experiences (bc if abusers are as skilled at grooming as this one was) w/ the priest ... it didn't hurt and it wasn't scary (not at first anyway). And that was way too much for a 6 year old boy to comprehend for one little psyche, which is how that sensory-sexual-body-pleasure part of the experiences were split off. So the Bisexual part of me which was suppressed and shunned by my closed-minded and hyper-religious family and for years shunned even by me ... that part was after all just doing his best to cope w/ the only way he knew how .. by giving sexual pleasure in a sensual but emotionally detached way under stressful and secretive circumstances, to avoid pain and fear.

In the present tense in my 2nd marriage, I am head-over-heels in Love and am faithful w/ my wife, who looks as good to me naked now, as she did the first time I undressed her. We have been together for 6 yrs now and we know each others' bodies; we have a relaxed, and sometimes giggly sexuality together. But I edit my play w/ her bc I fear if I don't keep a tight lid on that Bisexual / Highly-Sensual part of me, it will upset my wife ... long story short, I make a mental note to not be "too much" during our intimate times, or else Wifey will know just how far my imagination can run in the bedroom. And she doesn't send signals that she can handle that much sexual energy & exploration from me, for now. Also other parts of me value the cuddling and intimacy so much more than the passionate pleasures and they're just fine w/ sex as attachment, instead of sex as adventure. And on the opposite end of my inner world, at other times if Wifey is herself presenting w/ the abundance of sexual energy, then my lesser mature parts will either ruminate on performance pressures which I put on myself, or I will shut down completely ... that reminds me I can vividly recall at least 4 or 5 times when women (before I met my wife) "jumped my bones" and I froze like a deer-in-the-headlights, almost catatonic, only to internally berate myself for months afterwards.

Wifey knows of my past bc I wanted to be honest w/ her before we even got married. And when my Bisexual part came out in therapy today he spoke of his hurt that Wifey will scold me if I act too animated and 'gay' in how I talk or even my posture ... This is particularly hurtful after Wifey has been told numerous times how I got my ass kicked daily all through middle school and high school for being 'gay' when in fact I was much, much more attracted to the girls around me .. but that comes out of wifey's own fears that she will be abandoned, even though I have stuck by her side through a series of life's ups & downs which would have scared off any number of lesser men.

After therapy today my Bisexual part was talking w/ me and he reminded me that "I was there too" when 'we' got married, and that my Zen part and the rest of me held discussions w/ my Bisexual part, which I was vaguely conscious of leading up to my wedding. Point being .. My Bisexual part participated in the decision and made his own choice to marry my wife .. not bc he was just going along ... but bc my Bisexual part knew this woman was my best shot at unconditional Love. And that the healing example of Love forged in a marriage is something way more valuable to our evolution and healing than all the casual encounters I could have as a swinging Bisexual unable to commit to another, or commit to myself. One of my 'safe place' memories is of me sitting in the hot tub of our cabin watching the sun set after our marriage ceremony, knowing that I had made a good choice for myself.

But now that the subject of the sexual part of my sexual abuse trauma is being discussed in my therapy sessions … I find myself to be more drawn to want to have sex w/ my beautiful wife, but also I have ‘tingly-body-feelings’ down there, and seem to be questioning what to do w/ this emerging mess of thoughts and feelings.

* So how do I accept that I am indeed at times drawn by my Bisexual part to the LGBT community and towards liaisons w/ men ...
* While also acknowledging that other parts of me find such behavior to be uninteresting and icky (not that I judge myself as sinful but rather these attractions are considered 'alien' to the other parts of me)?
* How do I acknowledge the role and the 'sacrifices' my Bisexual part has made in taking on the sensual and pleasurable components of my abuse?
* How do I reconcile w/ my system and my Bisexual part when my Bisexual part is shunned and feared for re-experiencing those very body feelings and memory fragments (he didn't exactly ask for)?
* How do I acknowledge my Bisexual part in a manner that does not involve real-life sexuality, when that Bisexual part thinks that giving detatched pleasure is all he is good for, and yet he frets and over-tries to be 'good enough', even at that?
* Does my Bisexual part have some role to play in understanding and healing my current unhealthy stance towards men?
* As I write this ... I loathe men. My Bisexual part seems more interested in pleasing organs than developing relationships bc I believe Men are violent and they tend to take things which they have no right to ... and I have zero male friends in my life who I share any relevant conversation about myself with
* Is my Bisexual part seeking to re-create a “trauma-bond” to re-enact the abuse but w/ a different outcome or perhaps to grieve the "broken little boy heart", when I realized I was not 'special' to the priest, but was just being used?
* How do I maintain the role of stepDad, bc I fear that my Bisexual part if 'outted' could pose a severe disruption for my 15y stepDaughter (bc/o Wifey's estimated reaction)? stepDaughter has had to endure too much already from the unstable adults in her life (she considers me a stable and ‘square’ grownup compared to her bio-dad and other extended family).
* How is it that my Wifey and I can have the discussion w/ my teenaged stepDaughter that no matter how she discovers her sexual orientation to be, Wifey and I will be accepting of her and yet my Bisexual part is scorned and feared?
* How come women who are bisexual are often celebrated and supported, but bisexual men are deemed intolerable?
* Why of all things to be couldn't my parts have settled completely onto one team or the other?

That Bisexual part of me may never really go away completely. I am working through w/ my therapist on accepting that. After all, I "lost my virginity" at the innocent age of six to a priest, at a time when my mind and body were not mature enough to process so much sensory and even emotional input. But I also know that bisexuality is on a continuum and that at the end of the day, I am as I always have been, much more drawn towards women, and especially my wife and the LOVE we have built together.

* * * * * * * * * *

moments ago, in the shower, Little-J was in a near panic and almost crying, speaking out loud "please don't take my family away from me, I don't want another family, I don't want to be gay. I want this family. I want to be w/ Wifey and see stepDaughter grow up, I don't want to miss the doggies. Its not fair. Wifey understands me, she is 'little' too sometimes. I don't want to miss her smiles and her hugs. I am trying SO HARD to be good, I am trying SO HARD to get over this stuff. I didn't like gagging on it! I didn't like him pushing my head down on it! It hurt down there! It isn't fair !! [And then in a firm voice, unusual for Little-J] YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS FAMILY AWAY FROM ME. YOU WILL NOT TAKE THIS FAMILY AWAY FROM ME ... addressed to Jesse, to the Priest, and to anyone else whom Little-J could even remotely consider a threat to the happiness and bondedness (which admittedly has its unhealthy patterns) which took so long to show up in Little-J's life. it is where Little-J most feels 'at home'.

- - - - - - - - - -

Zen was as most always, observing my dissociative system w/ Love in his eyes and reassured Little-J that once things w/ Wifey & her Dad (who is losing his battle w/ cancer), settle down, and as we continue to let Jesse talk, this issue will subside .. as it has many times before. But that we all might need to talk more about the sex part of sexual abuse and it may get more scary before it gets better, for longer.

+ + + + + + + + + +

So that is the end of my journal entry. Before I met my wife, I spent a few months trying the gay scene, I went to local LGBT community center, went to gay-accepting churches, coffee-houses, lectures, danced to techno music at gay clubs and I even had a few dinner dates, but I just couldn't "close-the-deal" and except for an instance or so of oral ... I realized I kept looking at the pretty women and ignoring what a gay-person was conversing about, over and over. So I just assumed that was the end of it.



Edited by Cal20012 (09/05/12 04:58 PM)

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#407920 - 08/25/12 09:50 PM Re: New & Don't Know What to Do [Re: Cal20012]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Welcome home.

Looks like you've done a lot of good work understanding yourself in all its facets. You have brothers here who understand.

Jim
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#408054 - 08/27/12 01:05 AM Re: New & Don't Know What to Do [Re: Cal20012]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1344
Hi Cal20012,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

I do not have any experience with DID, so I do not have any answers to your questions. But there are many here who do have that condition and perhaps they will be able to give you some answers.

The Sidran Institute specializes in Dissociative Disorders and their site has a lot of information which you may find useful. You will also find support, reference materials and other information here.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#408189 - 08/28/12 04:06 AM Re: New & Don't Know What to Do [Re: Cal20012]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
Thank you so much for posting this! I have DID too and it helps a lot to read your thoughts on this, though I can see why the bisexual part is an issue. I'll look at your blog if I may, but I thought I'd give your questions a try. I have DID from severe childhood sexual abuse, been working with a therapist for years reaching some extent of integration but the system still remains even though the walls are a bit more transparent if you know what I mean.

Originally Posted By: Cal20012


* So how do I accept that I am indeed at times drawn by my Bisexual part to the LGBT community and towards liaisons w/ men ...


Well, the way I have learned to see it is that this is all me. The parts are all me. Just because I feel that "this is not me, this is alter X" it doesn't mean that it really is a different person. Thus, everything that my alters feel is really my feeling. So my take on this would be "This part has the ability to be attracted to both sexes. That means I have the ability to be attracted to both sexes". And going on "I sometimes am drawn to LGBT community and towards liaisons with other men. I also am afraid of loosing my family over this (and whatever other reasons other parts have to be afraid of bixexual parts behavior)

Originally Posted By: Cal20012

* While also acknowledging that other parts of me find such behavior to be uninteresting and icky (not that I judge myself as sinful but rather these attractions are considered 'alien' to the other parts of me)?


Well you have different views in the system. Maybe other parts feel no bisexuality because bisexual part is carrying all of it, being pushed away to a corner of the system? And maybe bisexual parts can't feel the ickyness because other parts take care of those feelings while bisexual part has to be allways ready and wanting anything the perp likes? You have both in you, the wanting and the unwanting of the same situation, only divided into different parts of you.


Originally Posted By: Cal20012

* How do I acknowledge the role and the 'sacrifices' my Bisexual part has made in taking on the sensual and pleasurable components of my abuse?
* How do I reconcile w/ my system and my Bisexual part when my Bisexual part is shunned and feared for re-experiencing those very body feelings and memory fragments (he didn't exactly ask for)?


Well it is a sacrifice, otherwise the rest of you wouldn't push bisexual part so far away? Bisexual part did something really important for the system. He carried the sexual confusion so that the rest wouldn't have to be so confused. Probably he carries guilt too. Is your system putting blame on bisexual part for wanting abuse, leading on and stuff like that? I mean, zen part probably doesn't (I am so jealous of you having a part like that wink but someone else maybe casting blame without you knowing it.

Originally Posted By: Cal20012

* How do I acknowledge my Bisexual part in a manner that does not involve real-life sexuality, when that Bisexual part thinks that giving detatched pleasure is all he is good for, and yet he frets and over-tries to be 'good enough', even at that?


How old is bisexual part? Is it wise to let a part of this age do sexual stuff? If bixexual part is really a child part, think how you would treat a real physical child that showed these desires and feelings. If bisexual part is adult, well, have a discussion like with any other adult desires you may have. Wanting something is not the same thing as doing it. Wanting something in fantasy is not the same thing as wanting the actual physical event.

Ill take the rest of your questions in a later post, running out of time.

Please observe these are just my suggestions based on my knowledge of my own system and recovery process. Might be right for me but not for you.

Greetings
/BC

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#408275 - 08/28/12 11:27 PM Re: New & Don't Know What to Do [Re: Cal20012]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 314
Loc: Ohio
Blessedcurse gave some great responses. I can try to add something from there for what is asked.

Cal20012's question:
Does my Bisexual part have some role to play in understanding and healing my current unhealthy stance towards men?

While Jesse's healing may yield that, I'd think Jesse may appreciate not being given any "role to play" these days, and just be listened to when sharing his/your feelings. Playing a role was what he was already limited to by CSA circumstances. Being given more value beyond a highly specific role is what I feel allows some healing to occur there.

Cal20012's comment:
As I write this ... I loathe men. My Bisexual part seems more interested in pleasing organs than developing relationships bc I believe Men are violent and they tend to take things which they have no right to ... and I have zero male friends in my life who I share any relevant conversation about myself with

My only response is I'm listening. I understand that's where you are at.

Cal20012's question:
Is my Bisexual part seeking to re-create a “trauma-bond” to re-enact the abuse but w/ a different outcome or perhaps to grieve the "broken little boy heart", when I realized I was not 'special' to the priest, but was just being used?

If trauma-bod with different outcome is the same as recreating to gain mastery over a situation, I can relate to trying that. It doesn't really work out well, because to recreate it, you have to be abused again, which only adds to the trauma. Other than self-knowledge, there's no gain, and it sounds like you already have the self-knowledge. Grieving the "broken little boy heart" doesn't require re-enacting the abuse. If anything re-enacting may be a coping mechanism to stave off the pain of loss the "broken little boy heart" feels. At least, that's what my experience and process was more about in that regard.

Don't know if I have enough experience to address the remaining questions after those.

Hope Jesse/Cal20012 receives some healing in these issues.

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#409101 - 09/05/12 04:33 PM Re: New & Don't Know What to Do [Re: Blessedcurse]
Cal20012 Offline


Registered: 08/25/12
Posts: 6
Thanks so much Blessedcurse (what an insightful name).

I don't get much alone time to read/post but I want to thank you for your response to my post.

Some Quick Comments:
+ In my therapy I have been accepting that the bi feelings are my own feelings.

+ in my DID system Jesse is about 22y and not a child.

+ in my DID system there are twin child parts about 6-7y. One of whom feels the sexual actions were 'Icky' and the other twin part who considered the sex as exciting and a means to an end .. approval and bondedness w/ the priest.

+ somewhere in there is a component of shame for 'wanting the sexual contact'

+ somewhere in there is a component of terror for when the sexual contact became 'non-cuddly' and was forceful and I was threatened to keep quiet.

Again my appreciation for sharing about your story of DID. It feels wierd and bugs me that the research says mostly females respond w/ DID. And males who have it are under-studied and under appreciated.

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#409104 - 09/05/12 04:49 PM Re: New & Don't Know What to Do [Re: kcinohio]
Cal20012 Offline


Registered: 08/25/12
Posts: 6
Thanks kcinohio -

I am still trying to figure out what my Jesse part wants, needs and hopes are besides a sexual component.

I have not, I am not and I will not let Jesse (myself) just impulsively engage in any hookups or explorations which would be unsafe and destabilize my marriage. I get it that that part of my DID system is the compartmentalized feelings and physical sensations of the sexual contact w/ the priest. But I'm not sure how to 'talk' to him. Or how to let him 'express' himself in a way which is non-sexual .. I know this part has information, memories, or wisdom for me in my healing, but I don't know what to do.

Jesse has shown up more in my therapy sessions and talks about his frustrations w/ having to be 'hidden' bc that part of me, accepts its/my sexuality as it is, w/out negative judgments.

Only problem is Wifey would explode if she knew I even thought about such bisexual things bc she has been cheated on before (Never By Me) and she is insecure already, even though I have stuck by her and been true to her in life's ups & downs. I don't have the heart to upset her w/ the information that I think of bisexual things - which I might not ever do - even if I got 'permission' from her.

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#410423 - 09/17/12 05:41 PM Re: New & Don't Know What to Do [Re: Cal20012]
kcinohio Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 314
Loc: Ohio
Not sure how long you are in your dissociative recovery journey. I can appreciate your concerns about sharing these things with your partner.

One suggestion/idea I have is based on your comment that "this part has information, memories or wisdom for me in my healing."

What would happen if you flip the I pronouns and Jessie in that statement, something like - "I have information, memories, or wisdom for Jessie in Jessie's healing." Focusing on something like that might help move things out of stasis into progress.

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