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#404234 - 07/20/12 09:46 PM Fathers with a history of being sexually abused
expom Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 123
Loc: Australia
The Australian Institute of Family Studies has recently produced policy guidelines relating to Fathers who have been sexually abused whilst boys.

Whilst the information contained seems fairly generalised, it does start to fill the gap in publicly available information about some of the issues that we go through in our attempts to deal with the fears of becoming Dads and maintaining the quality of relationships with our kids that we would wish.

Here's the link to the article (Please let me know what you think): http://www.aifs.gov.au/cfca/pubs/papers/a142143/index.html
_________________________
I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

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#404277 - 07/21/12 03:33 PM Re: Fathers with a history of being sexually abused [Re: expom]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 820
Loc: Ohio
This does need more study. I know, after getting triggered into flashbacks that made me face what I went through, I look back at problems I had being a husband and father. Fights over me giving the children baths, putting them to bed, changing diapers. It wasn't laziness. It truly scared the crap out of me to have to undress my children. Having them naked in front of me in the bath tub was horrifying. One time in a barbershop waiting, my son climbed up in my lap, I shoved him off. I thought the others in the room would think I was feeling him up. Reality, he just needed his dad at that moment and I would not have been abusing him. I stopped tickling my children at certain points. Really, the tickle monster is not an abuser, he is just showing love and acceptance in a physical, non-abusive way. You know, the way it should have been done with me. I am thankful for the days when I was able to put that stuff aside and do what dads are supposed to do. My wife has pointed out other kids in church cuddling up to their parents and told me its OK.
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#404286 - 07/21/12 09:14 PM Re: Fathers with a history of being sexually abused [Re: expom]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 598
Loc: VA
Hey, I did baths, diapering and ticking (ribs!) with my kids, and even hugs and kisses--the kinds of stuff I wish I had experienced when I was small. I was self-conscious, mainly because CSA was daily front page news in the '90s, but I knew what was in my heart, and I think the kids could tell. Peace!

John

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#404367 - 07/22/12 01:54 PM Re: Fathers with a history of being sexually abused [Re: expom]
scottyg Offline


Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 253
Loc: Seattle
Thank you expom for this post & link. We can only hope that the consciousness-raising studies regarding the aftermath of sexual abuse continue to illuminate. I will comment on each of the seven key findings.

1)Victim-to-Offender Discourse. This is rightly the number one issue as its self-hating premise seems to permeate our consciouness. Even agencies and authorities will state lies as fact."'95% of child abusers were themselves abused as children', but [this statistical analysis] gives no indication of what percentage of sexually abused boys go on to become perpetrators, and thereby subtly creates an impression that the route from victim to offender is automatic." Until very recently I also supported this myth and have only overcome it through research and re-education. I still see Survivors on this site steadfastly supporting it even when presented with contradictory evidence by an expert. Re-education and outreach on this topic by organization such as MS is vital to the cause.

2)Fear of Abusing Own Children. This topic is in need of much deeper exploration and wider definitions for "abuse". While the main concern of this paper is sexual abuse, the often overlooked but no less ever-present issues of emotional and/or physical abuse go completely ignored here. As an example, I was preoccupied that I'd appear to be a predator by others. I was vigilant about my behaviors regarding nudity and touching regarding my step-daughter. But as a father it did not dawn on me that my other, unchecked behaviors were at times emotionally abusive to the family. We are too often unwitting abusers in other ways.

3)The Moral Choice. I am uncertain why this finding that victims make a moral choice to break the cycles of abuse is included here among the other very cogent issues that need further development. IMHO, this is a non-issue requiring no further research or discussion.

4)Physical Contact/ Displays of Affection. This issue like issue number two is perhaps derrived from the mindset caused by issue number one. Another important attribute that goes wholly unaddressed is the large proportion of abuse victims that come from fractured homes where appropriate physical contact and affectionate behaviors were never modeled by parents. I feel like I am at a loss because I do not remember my upbringing to have had positive physical contact and affection. I had no framework for bringing that as a dad.

5)Overprotectiveness. This certainly can become a detrimental issue for children and families. Personally, I try to be very permissive when it comes to leaving the house to play. I grew up in a time when children were allotted much more independence and I try to grant that freedom to my daughter. However, I am constantly filled with inner termoil and anxiety every time I allow her to leave. She has no idea. But I feel it would be unfair to have her live in constant fear based on my experiences so I choose not to invade her innocence with graphic warnings.

6)Fatherhood as a catalyst for resurfacing trauma. Yes, sir! Becoming a father means altering an identity. If the current identity is already filled with self-hate, self-doubt and so on it is difficult to enter into that new facet of identity with confidence. I was a basket-case for the first three years, at least. Another education and outreach topic for sure.

7)Fatherhood as healing. The big pay-off. Survivors that are greeted with the above issues choose to confront them and deal with them or to descend into dysfunction. I have been working to overcome these issues and I am learning to embrace my role as a dad not fear it. There is tremendous healing in the eyes of a child that looks on you with love and admiration. I am somebody! (First time ever)
_________________________
I've got a bike you can ride it if you like.
Its got a basket, a bell that rings
And many other things to make it look good.
I'd give it to you if I could -but I've borrowed it.

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#404584 - 07/24/12 07:33 AM Re: Fathers with a history of being sexually abused [Re: expom]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Thanks for the article expom. I know I have been guilty of overprotectiveness with my daughter, I only have one child. Bathing and dressing were a challenge when she was little but thank god we got thru it. She always wondered why I hovered so much til I finally told her about my CSA, then everything clicked. I will not say the journey has been easy but I am glad I made it. Mike

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#405603 - 08/02/12 03:10 AM Re: Fathers with a history of being sexually abused [Re: expom]
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
Thank you very much for posting this.
_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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#410358 - 09/17/12 09:50 AM Re: Fathers with a history of being sexually abused [Re: expom]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
thank you! i knew this but it cant just be said often enough.
i live with a survivor/ abuser and i STILL KNOW this. its crystal clear to me that not all survivors become abusers. i guess if they did, the whole world would long back be only abusers because too many children are abused since too long back. i know i am not abusive. i belong to this world. i also know that abusers never have only one victim, at least very rarely. if the statement of people that every abused child turns into a perp, then there would long back only be perps on this planet and i am not one, so cant be!

ela
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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