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#410291 - 09/16/12 12:15 PM living through someone else
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1288
Loc: kansas
the more i've been dealing with my issues this past year the more that seem to pop up. lately i've been finding myself getting really down on myself, jealous/envious of others for what they have in their lives that i've always longed for but for one reason or another have been unable to attain.

for instance, others that have kids. especially the dads... that's all i ever wanted out of life and i end up, sometimes, finding myself living that life through others... taking in all the good and bad that comes with being a great dad, to only coming down hard because i know that is not my kid, i'm not their dad...

this comes even more stronger on me with regards to a nephew of mine. he is the son of a former nfl player. has been blessed with an extreme amount of athletic ability to play a LOT of sports very well. his biological father doesn't have anything to do with him any more. the only positive adult male role model in his life that he has is me, my dad and my brother. he's in his senior year of high school and is currently playing football. he'll be playing basketball when that starts up and t&f later in the spring. i go to his games to watch him play. i root him on and talk to him for many hours after the game, and through the week, of how well he's doing on the field and in the classroom. he's getting straight a's in all his classes. he's looking to get both scholastic and sports scholarships to go to college....

anyway, i'm very proud of him. he's going to do well and go far in his life... but deep down i always wish that he was my son... i don't ever tell him that... in fact, this is the first time i'm making these thoughts public...

how i long to have kids of my own... but i end up living that through others....

don't want to hear that i still have time... time is something i don't have a whole lot left of... i have to accept that i'll never be a dad.... just a proud uncle....
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#410344 - 09/17/12 01:58 AM Re: living through someone else [Re: Obi]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Obi,
difficult questions and difficult feelings.
There are moments when our lives seem like not fulfilled frown
I hate those I must say. But hopefully there are turnarounds also.
I'm always trying to focus more on some positive aspects of my life (even that can be challenging sometimes). I also have beautiful nephews and like them like own children and feel sometimes that I live trough their lives. Would I have kids? I don't know, I would like to have it but it is not so easy nor that depends just on my wish frown
Hang on buddy, you are not alone in this "crisis"!

(((Obi)))
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#410350 - 09/17/12 04:33 AM Re: living through someone else [Re: Obi]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3320
Loc: back in the USA
Obi -

it sounds like your relationship with your nephew is one that many actual fathers and sons would envy. as a kid, i'd have done anything for that. i know this might sound preachy or condescending - and i don't mean it that way - just be thankful for what you've got there. i bet if the young man doesn't already appreciate it now - he will one day treasure what you have done for him and meant to him. but i know it's not the same. and i do not want in any way to minimize your pain.

you know what they say about the greener grass... some of us are on the other side of that fence - unsure of ourselves and scared spitless of not doing it right in a father role. i was very hesitant to take the chance of screwing up innocent kids' lives the way my parents did. but we tried parenthood - with much fear and trembling on my part - and i guess i didn't do too badly. but i was always hesitant and holding back in some ways. i have regrets about that - but at the time, didn't know how to do any better. i am thankful for my kids - though there have been some really difficult times with them. now i know i could have done better, but you don't get a "do-over."

i think maybe you need to value your own role as a "positive adult male role model in his life" much more highly than you do. that is an important contribution - whether it happens because of birth - or as a gift.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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