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#410682 - 09/19/12 11:41 PM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: Magellan]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Thanks, Magellan,

I just think think I had the right to ask what was the point of my first 43 years of hell on this planet. Others in similar situations have the right to ask, too.

As far as emotions and connecting, yeah, lost is a great description. That I have no idea how to fix.

My rage really is at those therapists I had. It just makes me so angry I went to these people who claimed to want to help (therapists--loved the line in Girl, Interrupted--"your ther-rapist, sweetpea"--it describes them perfectly) and they just lied, scammed and bullshitted me because they could. At that time (26-28 and then 28-35 really--7 years with all 12), I was suicidal, nuts and they just lied to me to get paid. How do they live with themselves? Where in hell do these people come from? It's like I went to the doc with a broken foot and he breaks my leg and calls it "healing".

Until I read that therapist's shopping guide on here last year, I wasn't pissed at them (three were worthless and I canned them back then and I knew about those). As for the other 9, I just can't believe the stuff they didn't do and apparently didn't care to do and certainly lied about doing. I feel extremely violated in every way possible all over again. It gives me flashbacks to the rape to right now so they were nothing more than sicko rapists themselves. It has ruined therapy (glad I have no money for it) for me in the future because I'll always be wondering about their real motives no matter who they are. Any trust in therapists I've had has been destroyed nearly totally. I was so mad last Monday I took a Psychology Today magazine from an office at a college I went to and ripped it to shreds. Didn't realize I did it until I was tossing the torn paper in the trash. I'm that angry at them. I don't want to hear from any therapists (I change the channel on the TV if I see one and curse the screen--it's that bad), see any of these cretins and listen to any of their bullshit (whether it works or not). I even despise the word "therapy" because of it. lol

The abusers (except my sperm donor cause that ahole is still alive and kicking and rubs it in at every opportunity) I've had to let go of.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#410690 - 09/20/12 12:51 AM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: phoenix321]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1469
Loc: New England
Phoenix,

I've had at least half a dozen therapists over the years. Some were terrible, some were okay, one cried during our session after confiding he was not well endowed, one fired me because I wouldn't take therapy seriously. He was right. The one I have now listens more than he talks and doesn't try to tell me what to do. Most of the wasted time in therapy was my own fault. I wasn't going to get down to my real issues no matter what, until I was ready. Unfortunately that took from age 21 (first T) till age 55 (present T). Nobody's fault but my own.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#410830 - 09/20/12 05:20 PM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: Getting By]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Getting By
Good question Phoenix.

It's different for everyone, but in my experience "to make a difference for better" is as close an answer I have to for a lot of people I've discussed this with.

For altruistic people, that can mean religion, or volunteer work in a developing country, or working with homeless kids or drug addicts, or becoming a better parent, becoming a teacher or making a better type of <cancer drug, computer, chair, mousetrap, ...>

For some it means making a difference for themselves, so making lots of money, buying stuff, picking up trophy partners, collecting rare stamps.

I've met an increasing number of people who take the opinion that there is no "meaning" in that life just *is*. For them, this is not a negative approach: rather "life is what you make of it: nothing more and nothing less"

I'd agree with Magellan: whatever it may be for you, it's within your power to choose.


I used to be altruistic. Not anymore. I'm just gonna get rich and find a trophy wife (or two). lol
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#410907 - 09/21/12 01:02 AM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: MarkK]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: MarkK
first off, i don't claim to be "smarter than you" - but i hope you'll still read this.

meaning of life? i have no idea. i come at it from a different angle - value of life.

i have read and reread your posts - a lot has stirred in me - a lot of compassion i thought was dead a LONG time ago. and a lot of partial understanding. my abuse started at 3, but i don't think it was as violent or vile as yours.

but my point is when i read your posts, they connect. i feel there's someone else out there who understands, who knows what it's like to be on that edge. not wanting to jump off or "end it all" just wanting an answer. NEEDING an answer.

and, phoenix - if i may be so bold - the fact that i connect to what you say, that i can read your posts and feel something - ME - actually FEEL SOMETHING - in my life it gives you value. i don't cry man - but my eyes feel the burn at spots reading of your pain. so it's real to me.

SO......... i can't give you the meaning of life. but i can tell you your life has value. at least to me. and i count. that means you do to. screw knowing the "meaning" - live with value for a while and see if it changes anything. it does for me - most days anyhoo...


MarkK,

Sorry you've been through similar stuff. frown

I rarely cry except watching movies and that ain't about me because I don't see the point. I literally haven't had good touch in at least 8 years or so. What I mean is no one has comforted me in a long time about anything. When I found I had CHF, I craved it but was rejected very badly by a supposed family member. Didn't have anyone else (except booty buddies in another city) I could call and really wasn't interested in sex at the time. I'm healed physically now thankfully.

I'm not suicidal just wanted to know what the point was. smile

Thank you.


Edited by phoenix321 (09/21/12 01:16 AM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#410908 - 09/21/12 01:14 AM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: Robert1000]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Robert1000
Good afternoon, Phoenix. One other thing. I know that what happened to you sucked. I know that. I'm not going to try to corner the market on pain and suffering. I'll ask you to do the same. I don't know your pain, and you don't know mine. Don't think you had "greater" pain than anyone here. This isn't the Olympics of pain. And there's no gold medal if you win.... But I know that your pain is real. It's terrible. And you're in the thick of it. I see that. And I feel for you, my brother. I really do.

Use this space to heal. Truly. Use these glimpses into the humanity of others who are in the same predicament as windows into different but similar lives, lives of men who, like you, were violated and abused and hurt and, in some cases, left for dead. But we didn't die. We kept living. And we did that by choice. And we came here by choice. I know you're in pain. And I think I can see that, while you're turning back all the kind words and ideas that people have sent to you, and continue to send, you're still here. You're still looking. You did, after all, start this post with a question that begged an answer.

And let me tell you... if there's a part of you that wants to push me away... and push away the acceptance that I have to offer... if won't work. You can't push it away. You can pull yourself away, but this site has helped me too much already, and I'm done putting up barriers around myself.

Here are my thoughts for you. Here's what I wish for you. Peace. Acceptance. And the conscious choice to go forward, deliberately. Without anger. Let it go. I haven't succeeded with that in my own life, but I've felt the peace that's possible, and I won't stop trying.

Sincerely,
Bob



Bob,

It was about me and what I've gone through. I used to think, well, there are people that have had it worse discounting my own hell, avoiding looking at all that stuff that happened to me. I need to put me, yeah, me first. I've never done that before really always putting others before me. I have big abandonment issues since I was left with those two child rapists the night my brother was born.

I have a high IQ and we think incessantly about abstract shit like the meaning of life. Forget who mentioned it, but there is no meaning to life sounds good to me. And, it really doesn't matter anyway. If there was some grand meaning, I'd certainly be justified in hating the asshole in-charge of it all, right? lol

I'm off to bed. Thanks for understanding.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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