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#410331 - 09/16/12 10:27 PM Making Peace and a Question for All
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
I pretty much made peace with the violence that was done to me (sexual, emotional and physical abuse), the emotional damage (lack of ability to really have more than superficial feelings--deep feeling just doesn't exist for me) and the physical damage (bad illness for 4-5 years, bipolar, anxiety disorder). I've come to accept there was really no help around when I really, really needed it(as a kid and when I lost it at 26-28 years old). There are some good people here who got me through extreme anger and suicidal behaviour from Dec. 2011 to March 2012. But, thanks to my intelligence and bipolar, I'm still alive. I don't feel grateful or ungrateful for that though. Like I said, no deep feelings in me.

Sometimes it makes me feel bad knowing I have no mate now or in my past at all. I haven't had good touch in almost a decade. Hugs really don't do anything for me except shut me down and piss me off (one abuser hugged me as a kid to soothe his conscience) sometimes. Nobody has offered to hug me in a long, long time. I've hugged a few people (in the last few years) to comfort them, but no idea why that works. Yes, I'm superficial. Not by choice. That's what they, my abusers, made me. Since I really don't connect to anyone, I wonder if I'll end up alone the rest of my life. It doesn't depress me though. I can't blame others for not wanting much to do with me when I couldn't and din't connect to anyone. I've been through religion, it was used as a weapon against me by one of my abusers and it was so oppressive that now I hate it with a passion.

The only thing that really hurts me is I never had the opportunity for any progeny. I doubt I would've been good with a kid, but it does affect me I never had that opportunity. Since I'm bipolar (it kept me sane for decades) and other family was, too, there's a very high chance any offspring could have it, so practically it wouldn't have been a good thing along with my lack of ability to connect at all. It's really the last thing I get upset over since that joy, as people call it, was certainly stolen from me. No idea what joy or peace is; I never had any.

Here's my question--now that I've gotten to be nearly as good as I possibly can get (still working on self-hate), what's the point? I'm not suicidal, but the question I've been asking is, what's the point of this life? Getting rich and successful, in society's eyes, is my goal. But, when that's achieved or now, what was the point in my life? Why did and do I exist? Religious dogma has no place here. I despise it for the reasons I said. Hold thy tongue if that's what you have to offer my question. It just seems to me that I've never lived at all just existed. So, I ask those smarter than me, what was the point in the life? I really have no clue.



Edited by phoenix321 (09/16/12 10:27 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#410343 - 09/17/12 01:49 AM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: phoenix321]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Phoenix,
you posted very difficult question. What is the point?
I think that there is no direct answer on that. We all are different and it is not possible to copy someone's else solutions regarding meaning of life.
For me finding and doing things that fulfill me inside is part of that quest.
It is nothing specific, nothing planned in advance. I just need to follow my inner voice and that is, small things. I know that I need company of some friends, would be nice to start family, I can't live completely alone even I'm living like that currently. There is no guaranty that I'll accomplish my dreams.
I'll try avoiding living in accordance to society's views, I hate that and their values, I need to find my own and to fertilize them. What are your values Phoenix, can you find it and follow it?


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#410373 - 09/17/12 11:49 AM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: phoenix321]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey Phoenix, thanks for sharing. The answer to your question is simple. Love. I'm not referring to God's love or empty platitudes. This is how I explain it to my kids, and to myself for that matter. Do you know how terrible life is when people are cruel or simply not there? That's the absence of love. And it sucks. Have you ever experienced something that was fun? Have you felt happy, either by yourself or with someone else? That's love. You can't weigh it. You can't hold it on your hand. But it makes all the difference in the world whether it's there or not.

My advice for you, when you feel like there's no point in life, is to do things that allow you to express your love. If you don't have someone in your life who you could do fun stuff with, you could express yourself in other ways. You could volunteer somewhere. You could make art or music. You could join theater. You could simply do something that makes you feel good, that's fun, that allows you to appreciate the world.

I believe you do have the ability to empathize. Otherwise, you wouldn't feel pain. You can pass on the things that are important to you without having children.

Keep working in therapy. That's a road that we're never done with. Keep seeking peace. Keep it up. Good luck. Bob

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#410376 - 09/17/12 12:11 PM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: Robert1000]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Robert1000
Have you ever experienced something that was fun? Have you felt happy, either by yourself or with someone else? That's love. You can't weigh it. You can't hold it on your hand. But it makes all the difference in the world whether it's there or not.


Do you know how terrible life is when people are cruel or simply not there? That's the absence of love. // Been alone my whole life. I've definitely had the absence.

Fun? Bipolar highs are the fun.

Happy? When all is quiet and I don't think, that's happy I guess. A feeling? No, just calm. I crave calm. "Nothing" (have to do nothing) is calm to me.

Happy with someone else? Nope. Others drive me nuts because I have no clue what they want. Yeah, my abuse made me superficial. Life's a bitch. People say I'm cold. Well, sorry, not on purpose.

Therapy? I'm not in any and couldn't afford it anyway. Had quite a few of those losers use me for money in the past.

You have kids, great. Not getting that opportunity is all that gets to me sometimes.

Thanks. Not really the answer though, Bob.

Thanks, Pero. The answer to that question is elusive, ain't it?
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#410385 - 09/17/12 01:56 PM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: phoenix321]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Good luck, man. You're in a dark spot. I hope it passes.

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#410409 - 09/17/12 04:53 PM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: phoenix321]
Yerac Offline


Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 45
Loc: Southern CA
.

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#410451 - 09/17/12 09:23 PM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: Robert1000]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Robert1000
Good luck, man. You're in a dark spot. I hope it passes.


I actually mentally feel better than ever. My mind is quiet. I had to come to peace with all the emotional damage and that emotional life (most people have--you had kids--and a wife probably--so you'd be one of those) that was stolen from me. Being superficial is kinda easier to be honest. I always fought it and finally just had to accept that's the way I am.

I explained in detail the reasons I deduced I'm like this, chemically from abuse, sexul and non-sexual, here: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...168#Post406168.

The users would definitely include several piece-of-shit therapists along the way that I have come to know were abusers, too. I despise the therapy profession after 11 disastrous therapists who just used me to make a buck and lied to me and did nothing in return. One actually told me being "human" like most people was useless. I don't think much of her since she didn't explain it, but, have to give it to her for seeing through the bullshit and telling me the truth. Yeah, she was abusive in saying that without the explanation (see the link I posted above for the explanation).

Other than constantly being used so others could get their jollies off (sexually and non-sexually) or feel better about what losers they truly were, I just wonder what the point was in me ever being here to begin with. It just seems totally unfair I was totally screwed for 40 years (I'm 43). Life is unfair, but come on. I never got a break from this shit.


Edited by phoenix321 (09/17/12 09:29 PM)
Edit Reason: add
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#410456 - 09/17/12 10:36 PM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: phoenix321]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
For me, discovering the "meaning of life" has been a strange paradoxical trip.

I've heard a lot of wisdom over the years, and MUCH of it has resonated deeply since working at recovery from CSA.

We don't try to figure out the meaning of life, but to bring meaning TO life. The "meaning of life" denotes some sort of god or something, which I know you don't ascribe to (neither do I). But as a buddhist (non practicing), taking the power to define your own meaning in life is so empowering, and lends itself to recovery from the broken thought processes and dysfunctional beliefs that haunt us.

We have the power of choice, and thus, have the power to change. We're not victims of our genes, nor are we victims of our heritage.

I can say this with distinct command over feeling victimized by life; I was born with 2 known disabilities, and an assortment of genetic anomalies and defects. I felt victimized by my genes (bad hearing and crossed eyes).

I am now coming to a place in my life where I no longer feel victimized or cursed. And this is all because of the work I've been doing to learn to love myself.

I'm glad to see that you've undertaken the same challenge - to learn to love yourself. It's a monumental challenge that will bring you very surprising rewards.

D

_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#410476 - 09/18/12 12:58 AM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: Magellan]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL


I've worked really hard and am getting rid of the self-hate and self-loathing. I realize I can't be perfect and have cut myself a ton of slack. The problem is I don't connect to others at all. I was never allowed to as a kid. I wasn't allowed to have friends as a kid. Any that tried, there was sabotaged by my useless sperm donor. I do think my inability to connect to others is my main problem and the last hurdle in the self-hate category. Others can drive me nuts since I really have no idea what they want from me emotionally. I also don't want to be manipulative and just use my superficial charm to "win" people. Maybe I won't ever connect with others. Certainly people haven't made the effort here in real life to try and connect with me either. I've gotten used and abused a lot trusting. I attract the worst people it seems. I may have to be okay with that not ever happening.

I don't have any regrets missing a lot of emotional stuff in my life. It wasn't my fault I didn't (and don't) get it. Magellan, I do believe you're wrong that we can change everything. There is a lot of research on low Oxytocin (human bonding, love chemical in the brain) not being produced (or very low quantitites) because of abuse (sexual and non-sexual). Bipolar actually inhibits it. Being on guard, survival mode really inhibits it. I really don't know if I'll ever get out of that survival mode. This all turned on at 3.5 years old. I wasn't 14 or 15 and stuff happened; I was 3.5! I have no frame of reference for it being different at all. It literally has been my whole life since the original person died the night I was raped repeatedly. I was robbed of pretty much everything including an emotional life. It's like I never existed anywhere.

Allowing myself NOT to strive for perfection in every damn area has helped tremendously. Perfection is self-hate. I've done extremely well considering I've had no therapist to guide me and no one in the flesh to even talk to about all this stuff. When I needed help (as a kid and at 26-28), there was no one. Heck, I've succeeded in spite of those assholes! Have to pat myself on the back there. It's definitely lowered my opinion of humanity.

I think very few people really exist out there that give a fuck about others. I have yet to meet a therapist that gives a fuck unless they are cashing a check or feeding their egos. Its not about the money there, its about them not cleaning up their growing profession full of bullshitters. Hard to explain. Yeah, I have a lot of anger against those 12 asshole therapists that raped me again and again with their lies to get my money and/or their general, well, he really doesn't matter much anyway attitudes. If I had mattered to them, they would've done their jobs. Treatment plans (never had one from any) is just one beef.

So, I ask, what was the point of me ever being alive?
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

Top
#410513 - 09/18/12 11:21 AM Re: Making Peace and a Question for All [Re: phoenix321]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
My answer is still the same, dude - I believe we give our own lives meaning, and we can deliberately do that with the choices we make.

You talk like no one else has endured what you endured. You're not alone in that, and you don't have the monopoly on being "most broken", either.

You do realize that you are SURROUNDED by a bunch of guys who have had remarkably similar experiences and BELIEFS that you have? And you do also realize that many of these same guys have RECOVERED and CHANGED from this same set of experiences and beliefs?

They're among us, posting and responding to our posts. So yes, I do believe we can change. Indeed, it is the fundamental truth of the Universe - CHANGE IS INEVITABLE. We can mold and guide that change with our free will and creativity. Evidence is all around us here right here at MS.

You have power to change your destiny.

Keep going, don't give up. It's worth it in the end.

D
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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