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#410254 - 09/16/12 01:25 AM Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1467
Loc: New England
As I've progressed in recovery and read the stories of others here doing so, I have been struck by the amount of self-hatred we all harbor. I believe that self-hatred comes from the way our abusers defined us when we were young. Whether by their words or their actions, whether by sexual abuse or verbal or physical abuse (and some of us got all of the above), we were told that we were a "loser, worthless, nothing, pervert, queer, asshole, freak", and "nothing but a cumdump for him".

Maybe its time to talk back to our abusers (at least in our heads) and say "YOU DON'T GET TO DEFINE ME ANYMORE!" Truthfully, I'm not sure how to define MYSELF at this point. I've got to figure that out. But I'll be damned if I let HIM do it anymore.

No, his voice will probably never go away completely, but I can tell him to "SHUT THE FUCK UP. I will define who I am now. Not you, not anybody".

Somebody remind me I said this next time I start to hate myself again.......
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#410260 - 09/16/12 02:23 AM Re: Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore [Re: Jude]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I'm with you Gary

If we don't redefine who we are we will be trapped in that victim mentality for the rest of our lives. We will continue to either keep hurting ourselves through self-destructive behaviour or we will continue to let others hurt us (real or perceived).

I am so confused as to who I am (living a double life) but I do know who I want to be and it is my mission to become that man.

We are the author of our own stories from this point on!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410270 - 09/16/12 07:03 AM Re: Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore [Re: Jude]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3599
Loc: South-East Europe
I'm with you guys,
this is great initiative, let's find our true values and original identities which where in place before abuse.
Let's find courage to follow our inner voice, I'm sure every one of us can hear it.
We don't need secrets and other negative things that were dragged in our lives by others!

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#410347 - 09/17/12 02:54 AM Re: Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
OK, Gary.

i get the message. some of those words sound way too familiar. and i agree with you. it is time to silence the voices in my head that are filled with contempt and denigration and replace them with positive ones filled with truth. i am starting to take my wife's affirmations seriously - as well as those of colleagues, students, and my own kids.

i don't want to stop this discussion. so i am starting another thread to re-define myself on my own terms. i hope others will join in there, too.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#410443 - 09/17/12 08:10 PM Re: Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
*** Maybe its time to talk back to our abusers (at least in our heads) and say "YOU DON'T GET TO DEFINE ME ANYMORE!" *** - Garydosh

*** If we don't redefine who we are we will be trapped in that victim mentality for the rest of our lives. ... We are the author of our own stories from this point on! *** - Farmer Boy

*** We don't need secrets and other negative things that were dragged in our lives by others! *** - Peroperic2009

*** it is time to silence the voices in my head that are filled with contempt and denigration and replace them with positive ones filled with truth. *** - traveler
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#410634 - 09/19/12 02:24 PM Re: Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1467
Loc: New England
I could use some reminding today. Feeling like a total piece of shit.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

Top
#410664 - 09/19/12 08:18 PM Re: Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore [Re: Jude]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: Garydosh
As I've progressed in recovery and read the stories of others here doing so, I have been struck by the amount of self-hatred we all harbor. I believe that self-hatred comes from the way our abusers defined us when we were young. Whether by their words or their actions, whether by sexual abuse or verbal or physical abuse (and some of us got all of the above), we were told that we were a "loser, worthless, nothing, pervert, queer, asshole, freak", and "nothing but a cumdump for him".

Maybe its time to talk back to our abusers (at least in our heads) and say "YOU DON'T GET TO DEFINE ME ANYMORE!" Truthfully, I'm not sure how to define MYSELF at this point. I've got to figure that out. But I'll be damned if I let HIM do it anymore.

No, his voice will probably never go away completely, but I can tell him to "SHUT THE FUCK UP. I will define who I am now. Not you, not anybody".

Somebody remind me I said this next time I start to hate myself again.......


you asked for it, dude!
and i am glad to oblige.
you are doing better tahn you feel you are.
you have really helped me out - and you need to apply the same encouragement to yourself.
i know that is harder.
so take it from us.
you are awesome.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#410710 - 09/20/12 03:31 AM Re: Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore [Re: Jude]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Gary

I would like to remind you that you are really doing well, I can see it in the questions that you ask and the amount of questions that you ask.

You are a beautiful person and a beautiful soul, You were created for a reason and you are special.
Keep going NEVER GIVE UP. HEALING IS WORTH IT. (Promise)

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#410798 - 09/20/12 03:11 PM * [Re: Jude]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:13 PM)

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#410799 - 09/20/12 03:14 PM Re: Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
All of you in this thread are uniquely important to me and my recovery.

I share the same gratitude you have expressed.

Grateful for this site and for the honesty and bravery here.

Someday we'll all discover how magnificent and wonderful we are.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#410832 - 09/20/12 05:29 PM Re: Don't Let Your Abusers Define You Anymore [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
I just realized something!

*YOU* guys are helping to redefine who I am!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Edited by Magellan (09/20/12 05:29 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
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