I was sexuallly abused by a priest in boarding school and by a family member. As I get older I find it harder to "push down" the feeliings of guilt and shame I feel on a daily basis. I also fear that "others" can see my sin and that I am a bad person. At times I wish I could just take it all and shove it so far down that it could never again surface. My night terrors have returned and I have become more fearful of public bathrooms as I get older. Life pretty much sucks and it is hard to explain to family how it feels to be in a constant state of shame and guilt. Of course talking about the abuse is a no no in my family. Especially when it was a Priest that did the abuse. After all a Priest would not harm a good person and maybe I asked for it. After all I wanted to be "special" to a man. The Priest used that word not me. Anyway, I hope this forum and board will help me realize that I am not alone and that I was not to blame.

I hope you will quickly find that you are not alone, and you are definitely not to blame for your abuse.

I was molested by a family member, my father, when I was very young. Only received angry denials about the abuse when I chose to confront him.

I also was abused by a priest at a boarding school -- seminary high school at that. What he did was wrong. He was a true predator -- testing out each kid in school to see whom he could groom and draw into his sick touchy-feely games.

I know the feeling of wanting to push those feelings down, but they always fight to come to the surface, to be recognized, honored, and validated. Hope you hang around here enough to hear your story repeated in the stories of others who are here.

The shame and responsibility belongs to your abusers; no need to hang onto it; find little ways and big ways to put the shame and blame back where they belong.

Jim

Littleboylost,

You are definitely not alone here, and as far as blame....well there's not enough blame in the whole world to place on the men who abused you. THEY are the ones who have all the shame. You'll find that your story and your feelings are all too common here among male survivors. Keep working on this and you'll find your way. We're all here to help.

Gary

Welcome.

Garydosh and Metolius are dead on. You are not to blame. The abusers own the guilt and the shame, not you.

Jim

Not only is it not your shame, nor your guilt, nor are you to blame -- but also, and most importantly, it is not your sin, either.

Being a victim is not a sin. Period.

Hi LittleBoyLost,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

I am sorry your family is not supportive of you talking about the abuses you endured. Their notion that a priest would not harm a "good" person is distressing.

You were, and are, a good person. The priest did what he did to serve his own needs, and he gave absolutely NO consideration to the effects it would have on you. What he did had nothing to do with whether you were a good person or not. He did what he did because he was able to manipulate you and assure you would keep his secret.

Good people do not harm others in the way he harmed you.

You are not to blame for what happened. The blame resides with those who harmed you.

You do not say whether or not you are in therapy.If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

A therapist will be able to help you with the night terrors and the other fears you are experiencing.

There are several books you may find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

There are also several books specifically about abuse by clergy.

You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in January.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous

To all of you, Thank you for the greetings and insight. It is greatly appreciated. I feel like I am being petty when I complain about the abuse. I hope in time I will be able to put this aside and move on. Yes, I am in therapy and am looking into a support group near me. Just waiting for the facilitator to respond to my request to join the group.

you came to the right place.
you are not alone.
you were not to blame.
you know that already.
in time you will come to believe it and feel it.
come back as often as you need to have those truths confirmed and reinforced.
and then the shame and guilt will diminish.
you already know that shoving down doesn't work. it would always resurface. i'm guessing that is why you are here.
and you are special - to the other men here who understand and feel for you and weep with you.
of course you did not ask for it. that is a lie to make others feel better. but many of us have suffered from that form of re-victimization, too.
this is a place where it IS safe to talk about it. for many of us this community is more close and supportive than our blood families.

Welcome, littleboylost
Lee

Thank you Lee

Littleboylost:

I readily identify with and understand feeling like you're being "petty" trying to redress your abuse. I have those feelings too. But while I am well practiced in dismissing my own needs and concerns, I see the profound depths of the violation of the abuse when I see it in someone else's life.

I had an immediate strong reaction -- let's call it outrage -- when I saw your latest post. I wanted to scream at the computer: THERE'S NOTHING PETTY ABOUT THE GROSS VIOLENCE DONE TO YOU, and so you are not petty when you seek to find justice, to find healing, to begin to speak up for and reach out to that lost little boy. What that f***ed up priest did to you, when he was entrusted with your very soul, is heinous; it's devastating to the fragile child who deserved only goodness, kindness, and love. I hope you will be surrounded by many of us here online and in your life who will reflect back to you the love and dignity you deserve to receive, especially while you begin to learn how to find and give that love and dignity to yourself.

You've courageously embarked on the hero's journey. Thank goodness you no longer have to do it alone.