Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Healer (53), Kilo (21), sdsjr (40), surfdude (57)
Who's Online
4 registered (NeverGiveUp23, focusedbody, 2 invisible), 20 Guests and 8 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63375 Topics
443147 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#410141 - 09/14/12 08:33 PM Touch 101
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
Alright forum, you guys have been gently and not so gently nudging me back to center. I appreciate it so much. I'm slowly working my way through the proverbial woods here and I love that I can come here for guidance.

I am sorting out exactly what I need from my relationship with my Husband. He's doing what he needs, going to therapy, going to couples, engaging in positive activities for himself (woodcutting right now for the winter). But it's now Friday and I've spent the whole week hoping I'd be touched. Not sexual, just touch.

I finally got my copy of Allies in Healing. Broke down crying. A good afternoon cry while the kids took naps. While I was crying, I started wondering why this happens every Friday. Every Friday, I'm really really sad. When I read the section on "what I need" I realized that I am almost never touched by my husband and by Friday, I know a whole week has gone by since the last time I thought "maybe I'll be touched next week."

When I am touched, it's quick and routine. I touch him frequently but sometimes it's overwhelming for him. Most of the time it's not, but it is "energetically" one-sided. He wants unconditional love and touch but cannot give it and this is evident in the way we touch. It's always about reassuring him or meeting my basic sexual needs.

I don't want to push his physical limits, but I have been since I didn't know we were dealing with CSA for a long time. I don't want to ask more of him since I sense that he's maxed out for now.

I've talked to him about the importance and science of oxytocin, of needing to touch to bond, showed him articles, brought up the importance especially if we decide to have a baby. I told him about how important it is that babies be naked and held skin to skin and he got really uncomfortable. I didn't push it.

But I noticed that even when we touch there are usually clothing barriers, so at most, I am getting skin to skin contact about twice a month for less than 1/2 hr at a time. This doesn't count his kiss before work, kiss after work, kiss before bed, and intermittent hand holding.

I have two dogs and two kids. But the dogs aren't enough and I don't expect to receive from my kids on that level. How do spouses do this? I'm human, touch is a must.

I've started looking for a massage therapist. Does anyone else have any insight? Familiarity?

Top
#410157 - 09/14/12 10:01 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
you sound like my wife. for the longest time i did not understand this. her need was my trigger. it was very frustrating for both of us. we have been working on it in our couple sessions with our T and it has been getting better.i was like a little kid - learning the difference between good touch and bad touch. trouble was - what is good in marriage felt bad to me because of the CSA. the T gave us some practice exercises to do. we took it slow. talked about it quite a lot. i now can not only tolerate good touch - but seek it out and initiate. in fact now we are to the point where i want more than she is ready for. So i suggest bringing it up in your joint session. now i have been on both sides of the issue, i can understand my wife's and your frustration so much more.

all the best,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#410179 - 09/15/12 01:34 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 255
Loc: us
i think that is great advice. I think it will get better as he works on things. Have you tried asking? Thats what I had to start doing. Can we hold hands? Can we cuddle? Will you hold me? It's hard and for me made me feel dumb and vulnerable but I found that my H hardly ever said no. And maybe for now that's all you will get is a little cuddle or a min holding hands on the couch but at least it's something. I think that the massage T is a great idea. I hope that you can find a good one.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#410208 - 09/15/12 02:13 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Wow your story sounds really familiar... Oh yeah because it was mine. We would go months without any touch, usually Saturday was my trigger day of "oh wow we haven't touched for x amount of time" I would get sad, try to push him and we would end up in fights. It was a miserable cycle. Unfortunately there is no magic button to make your h do these things, but as pp said maybe just start asking to be touched, or our t had us set a day where everytime on that day we had to listen to soft music and just lay together. This was very hard for h buy he reluctantly went along with it. After we got better at that, we would add another day that we had to lay together with no shirts on. After we got better with that, we had to add another of laying completely naked doing non sexual touch (stroking hair, arms, legs etc). After we got passed that we could start actual sex and now we are slowly working into being intimate. It is a long process, but it requires a great deal of patience. Good luck and feel free to pm me.

Top
#410249 - 09/16/12 12:32 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
thanks so much everyone. so good to just have a place to talk about this, much less, receive helpful feedback.

hilarious comment my H made today:

"would it be alright if i had the dogs groomed down to their skin? could you get your oxytocin that way?" it was a half joke, but i thought it was funny.

i have brought up this forum to him twice. once to tell him i had found it, to which he had no response. and once in couples, where i talked about how helpful and important it's become to me. our therapist thought it was a wonderful resource. H said "i'm glad she's found something that helps her."

but yesterday, we had a campfire and i brought up how difficult the lack of touch has been, but also that i wrote about it on the forum in the hopes that i find something that helps without adding more pressure to him.

and he said "i'm so glad you found people to talk to, maybe i'll feel up to looking at it [the forum] soon and it could help me too."

that night, last night, he snuggled me as we slept for the first time...since, i can't even remember.

i think the next therapy session, i'll bring up the idea of very specific touching goals that he could set. having concrete goals, concrete time limits, concrete routines appeal to him very much.

Top
#410256 - 09/16/12 01:49 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
asknowyowl -

great to hear your H is thinking about coming here. i know i was pretty scared the first time i did. in case it helps, if he needs a buddy to help him feel more at ease, i am open to PMs and i definitely can relate to some of the same issues...

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#410257 - 09/16/12 01:49 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
.


Edited by traveler (09/18/12 04:57 AM)
Edit Reason: duplicate
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#410412 - 09/17/12 04:59 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
hey aksnowyowl,

it's funny. I'm the abused one, but in my wife's and my relationship, the dynamic is the opposite. I'd cuddle all the time, have sex daily if she wanted. (Of course, for me, sex is a way to get emotional distance sometimes. Like I could fuck a rock and probably would given half a chance.) But I can't tell you how many times it's been a Sunday night and I've been so depressed, thinking about how it's been a whole week since we've been intimate or had sex, and I'd hope for the next week but be scared looking back that we'd only had sex once or twice in the past year! And then I'd think it was just my lot in life, that I was damned to live sexless.... It was so horrible and depressing, and it totally fed into my shame cycle and self-hatred.

I'm really afraid that my wife and I are headed back into the same dynamic lately. I cheated on her four years ago, which is when I started getting therapy. I've been true to her since, but... this is such a fucked up thing to admit to... she was giving me head one night a few months ago when we were having a fun time in bed... and she thought she could taste spermicide on my dick! She said my dick made her tongue numb! The worst part is that when I cheated on her, she worried about it, but I lied. And so she doubts me. But I have been true to her. I have no idea why her tongue was numb. But shit.... Things have been pretty shitty since then. I'm actually afraid she's going to leave me. I mean, sometimes I think I'm just being paranoid. I'm the kind of guy who always takes it to extremes. I'm afraid of being abandoned. And I think half the time that I'm unlovable, but I'm really scared this time. Her sister left her husband a year ago. She had married a nice guy who stole money from his employer and then did it again a number of years later. And three years after the second theft, she left him. I cheated on my wife four years ago, and I'm afraid that she's just sick of me, even though in this case she's mistaken. But I lack all credibility, I feel, with her.

On the other hand, I also feel like, hell. If she can't forgive me, then she can't. And if she can't trust me, that's her issue. I know I'm trustworthy. I am. I'm a different person than I was four years ago. If she leaves me, it'll be hard, but we'll manage. We'll share custody of the kids or something. We'll work something out.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm just going to scale it back a minute.

What's my point? My point is that we need touch in our lives. We need honesty and trust. And we need to be able to talk about things like this without worrying that we're going to step on landmines.

Good luck. My wife and I are planning to talk about this stuff tonight.

Thanks for being there everybody. It's a tough road to healing, but we've got to keep going.

Bob

Top
#410489 - 09/18/12 04:24 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
good to hear from you bob. i tell you, this forum is keeping me together. it's the one place where things are REALLY talked about. and it means a lot to me to hear from survivors, to have the back and forth, and get so many perspectives, and yet see all the similarities.

you are totally right. right there with you. but it's the worry that kills me. letting the worry out as soon as it sets in, so that it doesn't just eat me up. but honestly, this generates a lot of conversation and these kind of emotional conversation wear my husband out. his threshold for hashing things out and mine are very different.

but yet here i am. i just got done talking with another friend about this very situation since she is in a similar one but with her girlfriend and the dynamics are a little different.

i keep telling myself that it's okay to have the "is this enough" conversation with myself. not that any one person can meet all of my needs, but which needs take precedence, which set of problems do i want in my life? is it ok if lack of sex is one of those problems?

i used to repress that conversation. try to put it out of my head. that didn't go so well.

since my H is just beginning his recovery...really just beginning. yesterday he read the checklist of damage in courage to heal...scored himself at 80% for the "usually"s. then said he was probably just born eccentric and weird.

anyways, since it's the beginning, i know that there are all of these doors, all kinds of uncertainty. i've been reading the stories on here, i've got my head on straight, i know we're on edge of a blackhole, not knowing where we'll end up on the other side. i keep telling myself that being married isn't about closing doors to create certainty, it's about having someone to go through doors with. as long as it's uncertain (life in general, much less life with a survivor), i might as well do it with someone i genuinely enjoy. i love him, but really, i very much enjoy him.

so thus far, i've been able to put our sex life on hold. i think now it's an indefinite hold...i'll find out for sure in couples tomorrow.

but i do worry that someday i won't be able to just "let it go", that someone will come into my life who i want to have sex with, who i can't ignore. it worries me. i don't want to be that person, that person who betrays. and sometimes i feel like its inevitable...the situation, not actual cheating. and sometimes i feel like i don't know what i'll do. i know what i'd like to think i'd do. i know the kind of person i'd like to be. but i also know i fail, i fuck up, and i know i can be really selfish after long periods of selflessness.

i worry about what that would do to my husband. he's got enough trauma.

so today, i did my best to get my intimacy quota. didn't quite make it. and it hurts. i have to be real careful because it does feed my insecurities.

but it's also pushing me to expand (grow, not get fat:). like i have got to STOP watching the fucking romantic movies. everyone touches all the time and i just cry. they don't even have to have sex. embraces set me off now. so i've decided to hack away at harvard's top 100 fiction list. i'm getting the dog therapy certified, so we can visit the mental health wing. i'm investing a lot in my friendships, in my family. all good things.

and it sounds corny...and i cringe a little to write it, but this is what i thought today...i really just don't have many opportunities to love someone else. a full, intense, heart bursting, grow the fuck up, kind of love, love that leaves me changed, hopefully wiser and kinder. i just don't have that many chances. because of circumstance, age, my own oblivion. because good opportunities just don't show up that often.

but here's this man, someone who gets my head, who for the most part, gets my heart, who works to be my partner and makes me laugh hysterically. and for today, i can be lonely and i can also let myself be engulfed with the opportunity to just love someone as they are.

i'm not religious, but there's this prayer somewhere and part of it goes: seek not to be understood, but to understand.

not a bad goal.


Edited by aksnowyowl (09/18/12 04:26 AM)

Top
#410514 - 09/18/12 11:22 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
ak... you sound good. Not corny, but good. For the record, I DO NOT THINK IT'S TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR ENOUGH. It wouldn't kill your husband to hug you. You could set specific times to cuddle and to just be together. It's important to communicate. And that can include demands, like give me a damn hug before I go postal!

My wife and I had a wonderful night last night. I told her about this post. It turned out to be a way for me to put my feelings into words. And we had a WONDERFUL night. You can, too. It's not too much to ask.

Good luck. Man, I feel for you. It sucks to be pushed away, turned away, made to feel unattractive.... It's way better to be hugged and cuddled and intimate. It just is.

Bob

Top
#410532 - 09/18/12 01:24 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
right again bob. you keep things much more simple than i do.

i like the attitude that goes with "give me a damn hug before i go postal!" i'll try to keep that in mind during couples today.

i'm glad you had such a good conversation with your wife. encouragement!! and thanks for posting the good stuff. the friends and family forum can ALWAYS use more of the good, heart warmy stuff.

Top
#410546 - 09/18/12 05:10 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Well, good. Thanks. I appreciate that. And you do the same. Post an update. I've been thinking a lot about what you and CdnDW have written. I'll post tomorrow morning. Bob

Top
#410636 - 09/19/12 02:33 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
THANK GOD FOR COUPLES THERAPY!!!

we had a good session. H was very talkative and open. we talked about touching and the things connected to it. i learned something interesting in it. he throws up these very soft barriers, a lot like a kid building a block wall around himself. last week it was all "i'm worried she won't let me go hunting, i'm worried she won't give me time to myself, i'm worried she'll be resentful."

i continued being reassuring, pointing out that i had never discouraged him from hunting. and then he spent the week and weekend bird and moose hunting. and i genuinely enjoyed his time away and the fact that he was doing something good for himself.

almost as soon as he got home it became "we don't have anything in common, you don't want to go hunting with me, you don't like winter camping."

i took it personally at first. but in couples i realized that it's just another soft barrier. or for more analogies, a very gentle form of possession, or a little storm. he throws up this guff and if i don't get attached to it, just ride it out, talk about it in couples, it passes and i get my H back for a little awhile before the next one hits.

on the topic of touch, the couples therapist took a lot of pressure off of me. reiterated advice i've given other people: trust your instincts, tell him what you need.

trouble is telling him what i need is really disruptive for him. any emotional reaction on my part just really...disturbs him...floods him with more emotion than he thinks he can handle. i've thought that by hiding what i feel i'm protecting him. therapist pointed out that this is backwards. show him how i feel, let him be challenged by it. he'll be stronger for it.

for instance, last night he said that he could commit to at least 5 minutes of touch a day with the goal of increasing. we ended up snuggling for 20 minutes, which was amazing.

but i ended up crying anyway. it was so hard for me to let him go. i mean i did, physically, i let him go:) and i didn't get super drama or blame. in fact, i told him i knew it wasn't something he was doing to me, that it wasn't his fault. but it just HURT.

being touched is usually the first thing i think about it in the morning, always the last before bed. it's become like hunger. my brain keeps sending signals to the rest of me saying "you need touch." and i'm working on taking the pressure of H, so he's not my only source and i'm redirecting a lot of my energy into other things: writing more on my poetry blog, reading more often, indulging in friends and social activities, going for massage.

but it still didn't take the edge off when he got up from the couch. 20 minutes is amazing for him, good for us, but i feel like i could spend a whole day and night with him touching and it might fill the touch bucket...maybe. it would really help if i could feel his skin, but we aren't there yet.

and so i cried, because i felt like it. especially since the therapist said that the most important thing i can do for our relationship is to be myself. he said that NOT being myself will just create another storm for my h and i and we got enough storms brewing. i really hadn't thought of it in that context. what a useful, productive use of codependence!:) i'll be more myself for someone else, hilarious.

my crying upset him. he gets anxious and panicky. i think it's a mix of fear and powerlessness and overwhelm. the conversation went like this:
h: i don't want to do the touching if it's going to make you cry, it just makes things worse
me: it doesn't make things worse, it makes things better, it's just difficult
h: well, i don't want to do it if it makes things difficult. i don't understand. i did everything right, you did everything right. i don't like it when you're like this.
me: i spend all day wanting to touch you, looking forward to it, and it's really hard to just let it end.
h: i don't understand. i don't feel like you do. i wish i did. i never think about touch.
me: i know. it's hard for both of us. it's just that sometimes other people touch me, just to give me a hug or something, and i melt. and then i feel bad because i want it to be you. it's not your fault. it's not something you're doing to me.
h: i just don't like it when you cry like this, i don't like it when it makes things worse.
m: i'm hurting enough as it is, don't ask me to hide how i'm feeling too.

and he gave me a great big hug. it lasted for quite a while. then he needed to go to bed. and i smothered the little shit dog with snuggles and attacked my reading list.

and that's a good night in our house.

i think i should also mention that i'm a rape survivor and i'm not excited about a massage therapist. i've been thinking about this a lot, since it's an interesting parallel between my h and i.

i've done emdr and it genuinely freed me up. i spent 10 years hating sex. slowly all the forms of touching i couldn't handle grew and grew. i ended up drinking a lot, barely touching anyone, isolated, and going insane. it ended with a one stand outside of my marriage. my first marriage ended.

when i met my current h, i was desperate to have a different sort of marriage. we had met in AA, so i wasn't drinking and all the layers were unpeeling. so when he encouraged me to do the emdr, i did...with gusto and desperation. and suddenly, sex was all new. still a bit scary, but so much better. it could finally be a source of relief, affection, and trust, AND SO MUCH FUN!

and then my H became emotionally invested in our relationship, distanced himself, and the sex ended. i'm chuckling a little as i write that. what can i do? it's a little funny.

anyways, so in the past massage has been a trigger for anxiety, panic, then disassociating. i've always given away massages that i was gifted. but now i have this ultimate motivation. i'm desperate to improve the relationship with my H. so i'll brave the big scary massage therapist and all her aromatherapies and warm rocks and soothing new age music. shivers.

it might be like the emdr. scary, terrifying, then worth every moment.

i don't know that my H sees this parallel between us. that we are both facing down these fears in our own ways. but for me, the parallel is everything. i can look at how uncomfortable i am and how desperate i am, and good is coming from it, because i'm not avoiding. and i don't think he's avoiding either.

and it isn't most people's definition of a good marriage, but it's the most i have to offer and the best of what i have to offer...to be so present...scared shitless and here and at my edge and from time to time, my H and i are right there with each other.

Top
#410652 - 09/19/12 04:56 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
The only person's definition of a good marriage that you have to care about are yours and your H's. I think you're doing a great job. Thanks for sharing. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and just exhausted today. Some days are like that, I guess. Thanks again. Post more. Bob. And tell your husband hi from me, a survivor on the other side of the country who moved from work and so can no longer go hunting conveniently. I wish I could get out there and shoot a moose. I'm actually more of an elk hunter, and a deer shooter. I hunt elk, and then I go kill some deer. I got the rifles.... I just need to get in the woods! Bob

Top
#410662 - 09/19/12 07:59 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i hope this isn't crass or insensitive - but i just had to tell someone - and since i'd already revealed something about my struggle on this thread - and others here are in the same situation, i though it might be OK - and even encouraging - to know it is possible to see changes taking place.

blush

we did it last night! yep - went all the way. and it was good.

my wife and i were doing one of our assignments and it was supposed to be open-ended - no expectation of ending in intercourse. but we were both enjoying the touching. and we agreed to go for "extra credit" - and did.

i was a little bit detatched at a couple of points - but only briefly: once thought - i can't believe this is happening - another time - i wonder if i am going to have a trigger reaction - but i didn't!

cool

anyway - not meaning to brag - and sure don't want anyone else to feel worse - but we both feel pretty good about it.

There's hope!
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#410702 - 09/20/12 02:40 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
@traveler: GOOD ON YOU!! that's great news. i laughed out loud when i read your post. not at you, just delighted. there's about 100 people who are vicariously living through you RIGHT NOW. i know because this thread says 185 people have checked this out, and i'd place a hefty bet that 100 of them are going "man, it'd be awesome to be traveler today."

and brag away. you earned it. your wife earned it. this is exactly the right place to celebrate.

@bob, i told my h you said hi and he just stopped for a bit and looked at me sideways. then he asked if you lived here too (cautiously, like he was afraid i let anyone know where we live). cautious man. when he's ready, i'm glad your posts will be on this forum. rest yourself and thanks for the encouragement and support. i really appreciate it.

Top
#410703 - 09/20/12 02:42 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
come to think of it, there really should be a thread that is just made up of congratulations and bragging, sex included. it's strange not to be able to celebrate something so important and good and sweet. if i could, i'd send you and your wife a celebratory cake lee:)

Top
#410704 - 09/20/12 02:51 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
WOW - thanks!

grin
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#410725 - 09/20/12 10:01 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Congrats Lee!!! It must be a fantastic feeling to have achieved more than your expectations!! Enjoy the "glow" smile
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

Top
#410728 - 09/20/12 10:25 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
you know, i think one thing that really made a difference - and allowed us both to be more open and trusting with one another, was this - our T was away so we didn't have our usual session at the usual time. we decided to go our for coffee instead and have our own "session." we talked on a really deep and intimate level for over two hours, and i read her some of my journal entries - some pretty vulnerable stuff. i think that set the stage and made it all easier later when we took it into the physical level. i never thought of this kind of talk - it wasn't romantic, by any means - as foreplay, but it sure had that effect.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#410729 - 09/20/12 10:25 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey ak, I hope I didn't freak your dude out too much. Sometimes things hit me in the gut, and take me by surprise, but these days I'm really trying to have an attitude about the fucked up trauma that I went through thanks to a sick bastard who I still might kill if I had the chance... (Wow. That's kind of surprising. I guess I'm a little pissed off this morning. Whatever.) Anyway, no shit, I'm trying to have an attitude like, What the hell. It was just rape. I'm still alive. Still kicking. I'm married to a wonderful woman. I've got two beautiful kids. I'm not going to let that piece of shit keep me down!

I am angry today. Traveler knows about it. We've had a few threads, yesterday and today, that have kind of set me off. But the truth is that it's OK. I'm really trying to feel my feelings and just let them go. It's hard to do. I have SPENT SO MANY YEARS traumatized and hurt, humiliated and ashamed, hiding stupid lies and feeling guilty about SHIT I DIDN'T DO but was done to me or SHIT THAT DIDN'T REALLY MATTER and that contributed to me hurting the woman and my family. I doubt I'd ever be called on to give my life for my family, for my wife and kids, but I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I'll go one better. I'll live for them. Every day.

And so, once again, let me just say, what the hell! Shit happens.

And then good shit happens. Thanks, Lee. Thanks for being update on a day when I need it. I feel so fucking conflicted today. I could just fucking burst.

I've got to get off this fucking site. Take it easy, people.

Top
#410731 - 09/20/12 10:28 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Robert - hang in there, dude! i love your attitude. you ARE gonna make it.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#410733 - 09/20/12 10:40 AM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Thanks, Lee. I came back on in the hopes to see a kind comment, and I saw this one. I've got tears in my eyes at the idea that I'm going to make it. Thank you. I'm sure going to try, my friend. I'm sure going to try. Bob

Top
#410759 - 09/20/12 12:23 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
no worries bob! the h isn't freaked out by you, he's freaked out that this site exists...that it needs to. like i said before, it's good that your posts are here. when its time he'll need them.

my heart goes out to both of you: lee and bob.

keep telling us what works lee. if it's working for you, it'll help someone else.

and bob, i'll back lee on this one: hang in there!! it's not like we're person-to-person friends, meeting each other's families, and apparently, hunting on weekends:) but what you write has an effect on me. it stays with me. i take it with me after i shut the computer down.

it's very tech-age, but it's a connection of some kind. one that helps me, that makes the day a little better. what more can i ask for right? like i don't ever want anyone else to fix my shit, i'm possessive of my shit, of my problems:)i know it never works to have someone else step in and deal with my life. but anyone who's willing to just stand in the shit of life with me?! that's a connection i want. anyone who's willing to crack jokes while we stand in shit together, that person i'm going to know for life.

so i'm sorry you're in the shit of life bob. right there with you saying life dealt you traumatizing shit and right there with you saying, life dealt you a wife and kids you seem to just ADORE.

i find that sometimes the best i can shoot for is neutrality. not eliminating anger or getting passed it, not being totally grounded or with it, just aiming for neutral ground where my thoughts and actions and feelings aren't good or bad, not harming or helping. this is especially true when i'm exhausted.

planning an elk trip can't hurt either:)

Top
#410760 - 09/20/12 12:24 PM Re: Touch 101 [Re: aksnowyowl]
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
i was going to write more encouragement bob, but my 3 year old just came downstairs from bed without a pull up, saying she pooped. here's to the literal SHIT OF LIFE!

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.