Reading what some of you guys went through I'm so sorry.

I over react a lot too. Sometimes I go over and over the tiniest of mistakes that other people probably don't even notice, convincing myself that they think I'm stupid or evil for them. Other times I don't know what I've done wrong but I have to force myself not to make a fool out of myself by begging to be told what I've screwed up and what I need to do to fix it.

I used to self harm to avenge the mistakes. I don't cut any more but I know there are more covert ways that I cause myself harm.

I also wanted to say, I was a defective kid too. My father hated that I inhertied his dyslexia. He couldn't stand to see his own flaw staring him in the face like that. The worst was from the school though. My first ever teacher told my parents I would never amount to anything and hadn't produced 1 piece of work all year. From then until they moment I dropped out of school at 14 I was constantly told some variation on stupid, lazy or attention seaking at school.

I'm lucky that I was able to get into a special education unit to do my GCSE's. I did the whole 2 year silabus in 1 year and even though I did far less than most kids do at school I passed them all so maybe I wasn't quite so stupid after all!

I think this phenomena is the source of the vast majority of my life's deliberate fk-ups, disasters and conditions.

If I insulted someone, it simply (but gravely) equated to "everything they say about you, said about you, made you believe about yourself...is true...and worse."

But when you are raised in the mode of shit, loser, lesser-being, alien to normal...you kinda have to believe much of that is true. Eventually, events and life's little realities prove that its all true.

When the Sheriffs attacked with their court papers and tazers and mob of back-ups, my childhood conclusions were simply confirmed. i did not feel much betrayal. I felt fully "caught."

I flipped through the very thick court order and was not able to read, but I saw flashes of WRONG and BAD. "He kept it secret." "Alien life-form." He's a fraud." "He has no business being with or near humans."

I asked the trigger-hungry uniforms: "am I being charged with anything?" "No...this is what your wife and her attorney plead to the judge this morning."

I asked if they read it...cuz I'm beginning to see LOTS of my CSA story in the words. "Yes...we are required to know all we can about each person being served." --- Thinking to myself they don't ever call me "sir" and now they know all this shit about me...saw me naked in the shower without so much as a dinner-out...are moving like I'm a potential Mike Tyson.

Yes Rob...this is what happens when you deny truths...when you hide what you really are. You get exposed and duly treated as the evil, nasty, horrid creature they just discovered you to be.

If they had pushed one of their hollow-point .357 magnum rounds through my chest cavity, I would have not felt a twinge of pain. I would have felt complete.

+++

Well, with zero self-worth and regard, I have nothing to sacrifice; nothing to lose. There are no burning buildings for me to run into right now...thus making the food and oxygen I've used worthwhile. I can only advocate and activate for kids and against evil.

Its sort of the " ...got nothing to lose" situation.

- Do no harm
- Hurt no one
- Protect all children possible
- Choose the battles worth fighting (any battle where a child is to be protected).

I honestly don't care if people hate me for exposing their evil and ugliness...their true nature. They already have no regard for the CSA victim, as I default to WRONG and BAD.

If I can simply close my final eyes and honestly know I helped one child, the food and oxygen will have been worth it.