Insightful question. Something to consider.

Caz

Jeff,

Don't be so hard on yourself. The shame is an illusion.

One can only be ashamed of one's own sin. What happened to you, that was the sins of the perps and johns that used you. You bear the marks of those sins, but not its shame.

We have irrational emotional responses to stuff. I know I do. We have to know it's irrational, look beyond it, and work to get through it like walking through a waterfall.

You know I'm fond of you, Jeff. Hang in there.

Cant

Well. I've know this kid since the boys all played their first T-ball game. He's a great kid, and like many others derives lots of something from how people see him and what we all think of him. Lately, however, he's become stronger in his own skin. He "came out" as gay to all his pals and girl-pals...they were all like "yeah...we already kinda figured." Kids do that here quite readily.

I asked my son if he thinks I freaked the kid out by commenting on his weight-loss. Of course son could not let it go without a jab: "no dad...he figures you were hitting on.....DUH...why would that bother anyone, especially any of MY friends? They all know you very well!"

I explained that I thought I over-stepped proper boundaries...and I did...but it was not ill-intended...and just wanted to know if I had caused this kid any distress. Son says; "Distress for him is a worn skateboard bearing...get over it."

I also commended son handling his outed frnds with such normalcy and complete absence of any uniqueness.

God!!! I wish I had friends like his when I was growing up. I guess I was able to give my kids that much.

Rob - you must have done something VERY RIGHT in raising your kids - since your son is so cool and accepting!

Lee

Yeah Rob,

You are so hard on yourself sometimes. But this seems like a big victory for you... not only was your comment harmless, but it revealed how healthy your son is and that your communication with him is fantastic.

Give yourself a big hug. You're doing great.

Cant

Hey Rob

Your son sounds like a great kid. You HAVE done an awesome job in raising him to be so balanced and accepting.

As far as the over reacting for being wrong, making a mistake, offending someone, over-stepping...etc

I'm there too. It definitely comes form a lack of self worth. Just the other day I was beating myself up about a client (who I classed as a friend) who complained that I charged them too much for a design job. (It was the background graphics for a 1 hour fashion parade and took weeks of work). I had done the graphics for the previous year's show which went for 1/2 an hour. I charged then twice as much this time because it was twice as much work. At the time I checked with someone else in the industry and they said that I was way too cheap - so I stood my ground. The reality is that they had just befriended me so I would use my design skills to make them look good. We are no longer friends. It was 7 years ago but I still think about it often, feel like I was to blame and maybe I should have dropped my price.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we all rely on others to tell us we are OK. And if they don't or we think that they don't we fall apart.

The secret is ....learning that WE ARE OK no matter what anyone else thinks!!

How we learn that - I don't know.

THAT is the very summation-statement I've been searching for.

For me too, in business, I would be d e v a s t a t e d to tears and self-harm if any customer even hinted I did him any dirt. If my company did not follow-through as I said they would, if billing screwed-up, if my product disappointed, I'd be a total mess. To this day, I still cringe, hate myself and regret some sales I made, because the company dropped the ball.

Today, seriously, you guys and my T are the only ones to tell me that. Everyone and everything else tells me otherwise either directly or passively.

I micro-second flashback of childhood can be paralyzing in this same mode. I hope I can leverage all I'm learning here into being as powerful as I thought I was on Drugs & Alcohol

This thread has been an amazing help to me. I don't feel alone, and I have some truly powerful input from ya'll. Seriously all...Thank you!!!!