Actually, EMDR might be a good route for you to get ahold of those memories. Thank you for sharing, for telling more of your story. I think I understand what you were asking. It sounds to me like you're in a crappy place, maybe with or around your abusers, or at least those who maybe enabled your abuse, on purpose or not. Do you have a safe place to go? Also, I used to have horrific dreams. And I kept a notebook next to my bed, and a pen, and I would, with my eyes still closed and the lights still off, wake up and lie there with the dream fresh in my mind... and I'd scribble down everything I could remember. It really improved my retention of the dreams. Its important not to have a light on, as the dream will vanish with the light. It's important to keep your eyes closed. Don't worry about writing over your writing. You'll be able to figure it out later. Good luck.