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#410070 - 09/13/12 10:10 PM Being WRONG or BAD
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
I still "over-react" to being wrong, making a mistake, offending someone, over-stepping...anything like that. Like speeding in my car accidentally (when I mean to speed....holy buckets), if a cop stops me and gives me a pass/warning, I feel like a horrible, horrible scum-bag.

If I mistakenly forget to bring baked-goods to a town function, I feel like a mega-jerk...WAY off the charts.

When I would get the wrong gift for my child or one of their frnd on their birthday, I'd get so down on myself, I'd wanna just die.

I think its related to not having any sense of self worth, other than what I can provide to people...but I don't know. I DO know it began at 8yo when I used that knife on a perp's hand. Felt unworthy to be among people ever since.

My normal wife could gage the overreaction and tell me to chill. I did not know feeling like total sh*t was not supposed to go-on for a week after not answering a phone-call from my mother by accident.

What is this? I bet its a character flaw indicator. Some "borderline" thing?

I use to make it go away with d&a or self injury. Now I no longer consume D or A ... don't cut anymore either...but I'm stuck beating myself up for the tiniest things. This includes if I remember something stupid I said 20 years ago. I get instantly disgusted with myself.

Am I alone on this?
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#410073 - 09/13/12 10:35 PM Re: Being WRONG or BAD [Re: Still]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
NO, Robbie, you're not the only one.

any little thing can set me off into self-condemnation, self-loathing, utter depression and a sense of failure/wothlessness. it doesn't even have to be something i did intentionally - an honest mistake or a careless word that offended someone, whatever - my reaction is totall out of proportion to the offense - whether the "crime" was real or imagined. i punish myself and beat myself up for days afterwards - like you said.

i don't know if there's a term for it besides just being screwed up - but i know you don't like labels - so maybe that's just as well! wink

*** "I think its related to not having any sense of self worth" ***

ABSOLUTELY! it's the way the step-father made me feel all the time. never good enough. the tiniest thing could set him off. crumbs in the butter dish - for example - or clinking my silverware abainst the plate . . .

i know where it came from. the hard part is to try and stop hearing his words in my head - but now being repeated in my own voice - telling me what a ____ i am. i don't want to agree with him any longer. it's another of the lies that i have bought into.

Lee
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As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#410074 - 09/13/12 10:44 PM Re: Being WRONG or BAD [Re: traveler]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: traveler
or clinking my silverware abainst the plate . . .


O M G! My father too. If I did not stop it well enough though...I'd have to walk over to him, stand before him, and really try to not pee myself when the face got slapped.

Then go back and enjoy a fine family dinner. Got stabbed in the hand by his fork so many times, I wish I had a nickel...hand got that for not using silverware properly, or not keeping my left hand in my lap when not needed.
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#410076 - 09/13/12 10:52 PM Re: Being WRONG or BAD [Re: Still]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
or having my hand in my pocket - accused of "playing pocket pool" - i didn't even know what that meant!
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#410078 - 09/13/12 11:10 PM Re: Being WRONG or BAD [Re: Still]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Robbie, Traveler is right. We all had messages imprinted in our psyches that said "you worthless piece of shit" or some variation of that. For me the trick has been recognizing that is how my perp and or parents defined me, thru their words and actions. But damn its 42 years later and they don't get to define me anymore. I tell em to fuck off. I'm the only one who defines me now.

BTW, I always played pocket pool in private. No embarressment that way.

Gary
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I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
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#410079 - 09/13/12 11:10 PM Re: Being WRONG or BAD [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Right now I'm beating the ship outa myself cuz one of my son's friend's stopped-by the Child Activist booth...I complimented his summer weight-loss and that he looks like a new man (13yo). He's been working on his weight ALL summer and is thrilled with himself for the victory.

Realized I mega overstepped a boundary when he looked a little surprised and thanked me. Looked at me like "why are YOU even looking at a 13yo's weight you old fkg pedo!" Or...his eyes were squinting from the bright sun...but I default to the worst.
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#410080 - 09/13/12 11:28 PM Re: Being WRONG or BAD [Re: Still]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
OR - maybe he is surprised anyone noticed - or - maybe he isn't used to getting compliments. i have always been uneasy or downright freaked out whenever someone says something nice to me. my wife gets on my case all the time because anytime she says something positive about me i roll my eyes or shake my head or deny or downplay it some way.


Edited by traveler (09/13/12 11:29 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#410081 - 09/13/12 11:31 PM Re: Being WRONG or BAD [Re: Still]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
see - Rob - i can come up with those possible explanations - BUT - you automatically assume he thinks you are a dirty old man/perp.

(and i would probly do exactly the same in the same situation!)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#410084 - 09/14/12 01:41 AM Re: Being WRONG or BAD [Re: Still]
mpm01 Offline


Registered: 09/27/11
Posts: 85
Loc: Australia
I hope you don't mind if I share my story relating to this topic.

I too suffer to the extreme from severe over reactions to being wrong, making a mistake, offending someone, over-stepping the line, or anything like that... and I mean to the extreme. I instantaneously get triggered into a complete self destructive, self loathing state... the moment the slightest thing happens.

Unlike many others, I did not have parents or other adults tell me I was worthless... actually, much the opposite. I do think that this is the whole problem for CSA survivors.

Because of the complete debilitating effect of my over-reactions, I have been working with my T extensively to attempt to get on top of this.

I have come to believe that, even though it is related to self worth etc, the significance of an unrealistic reaction to a minor event signals that I am being triggered into a 'wounded child state' from which I incorrectly intemperate the current events through.

My Ts prescribed treatment is in the form of extensive and difficult trauma therapy. This has been primarily EMDR therapy, but also using chair therapy, 'physho drama' therapy and a few other trauma therapy styles.... which is all specifically working on significant events and beliefs aimed at reducing the effects of this 'triggered state'.

This is proving to produce good measurable and results. I have been working on this specific part of my therapy now for about 9 months and I can honestly say that I am dealing with many events now without any reaction at all... compete calm...

My partner is extremely happy about this.

I do not believe that I am completely 'healed' from this yet, but I am sure that I am close... but like anything, it will take a long time.

I hope that my story can bring some hope to others... knowing that there are treatments out there which can specifically target some of these debilitating symptoms of CSA.

Thanks

Martin
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I apreciate you all being here for me and for each other...

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#410085 - 09/14/12 02:22 AM Re: Being WRONG or BAD [Re: Still]
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
Another hand in the air here.
I have done mirror affirmations on self worth, assertiveness training, anger releasing therapy, written-printed-displayed a long list of achievements and at a Mike Lew workshop belted shit out of a punching bag they all helped me to recognize my self worth yet when I do “WRONG” the negative thoughts hit me, they just do not last long and I have no emotional bruises within a short time.

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