2. I have worth as a human being - just because God made me. I have put so much emphasis on how I look (good and bad). I was a cute little blonde haired, blue eyed boy and everyone told me so. It felt like that was why I deserved attention. It feels like that is why I was abused. Teen years were different - my hair went brown, pimples and at 13 I was 6' but only weighed 50kg (110lb). I felt ugly and a freak. Then I grew up and filled out. It is a rollercoaster because I still look at myself and think I'm ugly, too fat, too skinny, not muscly enough (the reality is that I am probably an average looking 35 year old man). But people would tell me I am handsome, give me free stuff at shops etc. One of my coworkers suggested that I only got promoted in my job because I'm one of the beautiful people. Still felt like an ugly person pretending to be good looking to get attention. Anyway rambling here. I am starting to understand that it is what is on the inside that REALLY matters and that isn't pretty....yet. Hope someone here 'gets' this.
More thoughts on the self image thing.
My wife says that I'm like a cameleon. I change my appearance, behaviour even the way I talk to suit whoever I am around. It is a bit like I clone them. I don't even know I'm doing sometimes. I think this is not knowing who I am and just tring desperately to be accepted.
The other thing that I am really embarrased to say is that so twisted is my self image that I have photoshopped nearly every picture of myself. (this probably comes from my graphic design background and airbrushing models all the time - it just felt acceptable behaviour). The quest for beauty can be so powerful. It is getting worse as I get older as I am starting to loose my youthful appearance. I think if I could have afforded plastic surgery I would have done it years ago. I know I don't need to do it. I have no disfigurement and others have said I'm attractive. It is just the whole trying to be 'perfect' and accepted and admired.
I guess I just need learn to accept myself. It isn't accepting that I am ok looking - but that it doesn't natter and that is not the measure of a man. I need to accept my insides.
Thanks for reading.
Anyone else feel like sharing how long they felt or still feel like a 'victim'? Like it is all so real and fresh.