Hi Lee,

You stop being a victim the minute you start taking steps to have the life you want to lead.

You're not a victim any more. You're a survivor. You're putting the past in the past and working to build the future you want to have.

Now you get the journey into the new life.

From my perspective, the best way to handle the journey into the new life is to find it interesting. If you can watch the steps forward and the steps back and know that each one has its place, that the steps forward are great (even though sometimes they're scary, like when you're trying to say 'no' to people), and that the steps backward are OK, too, even though they feel like failures. All of it is part of the process.

Success and failure are probably bad terms for the healing process, the steps forward are not the end result, and the steps back do not reset the clock at the first day of recovery. Instead you want to be aware of your overall patterns so you can see the real scope of the change you're making in your life.

You may still feel like a victim, but to me you've already moved past that into the much healthier place of choosing your new life.

In part I think this question goes back to the question of blame that occurs pretty regularly here. Sometimes you might think you're still a victim because you still blame or hate the abuser and because you're thinking about the abuse a lot as you are moving forward. This thinking reminds you that you have been abused and are thus a victim. The sooner you can stop the blaming (if it's there) the sooner you'll really feel in control. As long as there's someone to blame you can pass the buck and make someone else responsible for your problems. That's practically the definition of victim (someone who is at the mercy of someone else who is ultimately to blame). If you can get past the blaming and only see the present tense problems you have, you cut the victimhood out of the picture. No abuser, no abuse just current situations that you can learn to control and change.


I hope this is helpful.

Danny

Danny, this is worded so eloquently and so concisely, I just wanted to compliment and thank you for writing it here.

You describe "letting go of the past". It's extremely difficult to do (we perceive), but all it really is, is a decision and taking deliberate steps to move in that direction. And part of that is just looking at our issues IN THE MOMENT.

When our mental focus is uncluttered by the past, it has clarity in the present.

D

Thanks Danny

That was REALLY, REALLY encouraging and helpful.

I can see now how I have not been taking responsibility for my own behaviour as far as the acting out etc (it isn't really my fault - I was conditioned that way). But hey I'm a grown up now and I need to face the music - so to speak. I have been working with my T about having a couples session to tell my wife about the acting out with men.

It is the next step in choosing to have a real, honest relationship with my wife (where she actually knows who she is married to). I have been terrified she leave me and this whole 'fake' happy life I have built for myself will come tumbling down. I now know that this step is vital for me to move forwards and take ownership for my sin.

What THEY did to me was THEIR sin - What I have done since is MY sin.

I'll keep you all posted. I see my T again tomorrow.

Hi Lee,

I'm really glad my note was helpful. It's good to know the hard won understandings can be shared and be useful to others.

I'm happy for you that you're making such great headway.

Danny