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#410056 - 09/13/12 05:34 PM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
One more thing that I may have seen on MS and want to tell you as well. The windshield is always bigger than the rear view mirror because it is more important to see where we are going that where we have been.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#410059 - 09/13/12 06:31 PM * [Re: Farmer Boy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:09 PM)

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#410063 - 09/13/12 07:46 PM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Gary

Thanks for the reply.

I am known for my bluntness and I really appreciate it in others. I can relate! I get what you mean about feeling validated during sex - like I had some value. I felt (just changed that from feel - because it IS in the past!)like that. It too was how I learned to feel loved and accepted. (even though the men really didn't care about me - It was just a way for then to get off). It still made me feel I had value. Only after the shame and guilt kicked in did I feel bad.

I guess, for me, the feeling like I am a piece of shit comes from a deeper place, underneath all that. It is probably less to do with my CSA but more to do with my dad not wanting to have anything to do with me. I didn't have any self respect and thought that I am not worthy of a real loving relationship. Like I am damaged goods. On the surface I felt like 'wow, I'm so sexy these guys want to have sex with me' but really I was degrading myself. Just offering myself up as a piece of meat or a warm mouth (sorry for the bluntness).

I think with the recovery thing it helps to take the focus off ourselves every now and again. It helps get perspective.

The support you and everyone else on here provides is SO VALUABLE! I cannot find words to say how much it helps me.

Thanks for sharing.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410087 - 09/14/12 06:02 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Stay strong! Your test will become your test-imony, your mess will become your mess-age.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#410089 - 09/14/12 07:24 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Thanks Country

Did you come up with that by yourself? It is pretty clever. I live in hope that one day I will be able to share the transformation that God has made in my life.

I know God has the power to use my life experience for His glory.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410091 - 09/14/12 09:33 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
No, I got it from a retweet on twitter. I like the saying and thought or felt led to share it with you. Sharing what God has done for you is one strong thing to do. I would love to hear it when you feel like sharing. Now go milk some of them heifers. Haha. I use to work in the cattle industry also. Just at a auction yard tho.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#410190 - 09/15/12 08:50 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Ha Ha

Thanks Country.

We have a batch of 24 freshly calved heifers at the moment and boy can some of them kick (Jerseys). I do like working with cows better that people sometimes though. If a cow plays up you can just wack it with a piece of poly pipe - apparently that isn't ok with people.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410218 - 09/15/12 06:38 PM * [Re: Farmer Boy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:10 PM)

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#410261 - 09/16/12 02:30 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: traveler]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: traveler

The point I want to strongly emphasize is number 6. You are way too over-committed. You need to cut back and not demand so much of yourself. You are headed for a fall if you try to maintain this level of demands on your time and efforts and striving to satisfy everyone&#146;s expectations. You DO need to cut yourself some slack &#150; and not in the area of CSA recovery. You will make great progress if you can apply the degree of drive to your healing that you do to the rest of your responsibilities. But don&#146;t push yourself too hard there, either. Slow down and don&#146;t overdo it. Hope this doesn&#146;t come across as bossy &#150; but PLEASE take it seriously!


The scaring thing is I realised that it wasn't even a complete list.

Yesterday I took 20 minutes to have a quick swim and sit in the sun and just relax. (I had been down in the creek setting up the irrigation in the hot sun for 2 hours). It was sooo good for my soul. I still felt so guilty at the time - but it was worth it.

I am feeling more inner strength to start telling people no. But I think I have to see out all the things I have already committed to.
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More than meets the eye!

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#410264 - 09/16/12 02:52 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
2. I have worth as a human being - just because God made me. I have put so much emphasis on how I look (good and bad). I was a cute little blonde haired, blue eyed boy and everyone told me so. It felt like that was why I deserved attention. It feels like that is why I was abused. Teen years were different - my hair went brown, pimples and at 13 I was 6' but only weighed 50kg (110lb). I felt ugly and a freak. Then I grew up and filled out. It is a rollercoaster because I still look at myself and think I'm ugly, too fat, too skinny, not muscly enough (the reality is that I am probably an average looking 35 year old man). But people would tell me I am handsome, give me free stuff at shops etc. One of my coworkers suggested that I only got promoted in my job because I'm one of the beautiful people. Still felt like an ugly person pretending to be good looking to get attention. Anyway rambling here. I am starting to understand that it is what is on the inside that REALLY matters and that isn't pretty....yet. Hope someone here 'gets' this.


More thoughts on the self image thing.

My wife says that I'm like a cameleon. I change my appearance, behaviour even the way I talk to suit whoever I am around. It is a bit like I clone them. I don't even know I'm doing sometimes. I think this is not knowing who I am and just tring desperately to be accepted.

The other thing that I am really embarrased to say is that so twisted is my self image that I have photoshopped nearly every picture of myself. (this probably comes from my graphic design background and airbrushing models all the time - it just felt acceptable behaviour). The quest for beauty can be so powerful. It is getting worse as I get older as I am starting to loose my youthful appearance. I think if I could have afforded plastic surgery I would have done it years ago. I know I don't need to do it. I have no disfigurement and others have said I'm attractive. It is just the whole trying to be 'perfect' and accepted and admired.

I guess I just need learn to accept myself. It isn't accepting that I am ok looking - but that it doesn't natter and that is not the measure of a man. I need to accept my insides.

Thanks for reading.

Anyone else feel like sharing how long they felt or still feel like a 'victim'? Like it is all so real and fresh.
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