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#409752 - 09/10/12 06:49 PM frozen in my tracks
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Im in a complete state of 7$)$"$)!-$"$)$)$ right now... I dont know what to do, H has been so awesome working on stuff, we are getting on track and things are getting better.

What is bothering me is that we are finally after all these years engaging in sex, im so proud of h because he has walked a long hard road... We are now getting where he wants to try different positions,roles etc which is great!! He also wants to try oral. I am having the hardest time with this because that was done to him.
How do I even do that and not feel like his perpetrator??
I can't even think about it now, im not even sure what to think or say.. I was open to it, but then found out he had that happen.....please some advice.

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#409755 - 09/10/12 07:08 PM Re: frozen in my tracks [Re: shortieg]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3488
Loc: somewhere in Africa
for me as a survivor - doing some of the same things with my wife that were part of my abuse memories is one of the scariest things. it is not just the reminders of what happened back then - but also admitting that some of those things did really turn me on - as much as i hated it.

so now - when i am finally coming to terms with it all and can think about it objectively - i can recognize that there was nothing inherently bad about the acts - if done in the right setting, relationship, with mutual agreement, etc. example - being touched through underwear is a very big part of my history. it has been difficult for me to be comfortable with that in the past. now i find myself wanting my wife to do that - not as a way of re-enacting the abuse - but as a means of asserting - this is OK. i am over it. we are displacing an old bad tape with a new good one. my T calls it "re-wiring." it may be different for you 2 - but it's worth considering.

hope this helps a little.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#409759 - 09/10/12 08:56 PM Re: frozen in my tracks [Re: shortieg]
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
So if he is asking for it, could that mean he is trying to "re-wire" the actions? I just don't want to do it and it freaks him out (because it sure is freaking me out).. I do not at all want to be the flashback perp..

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#409762 - 09/10/12 09:47 PM Re: frozen in my tracks [Re: shortieg]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
The key is to pay attention. You find yourself asking "is this ok?" quite a bit until you learn their natural reaction to things. For me, the most important thing is eye contact. I can tell in a heartbeat if my H has disassociated. He literally looks like a completely different person. Pay attention to that. If he "disappears" then talk to him and bring him back. Stop if you need to. Most importantly, have a long and detailed talk about what to do if things get weird BEFORE you do anything new.

Good luck

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#409763 - 09/10/12 10:31 PM Re: frozen in my tracks [Re: shortieg]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3488
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yes - what Val said!
his motives are a key. repeating past = bad. making new path = good.
take it slow and stop if you sense it going wrong.
stay "in touch" with one another - both "present" and aware of each other.
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#409771 - 09/11/12 12:41 AM Re: frozen in my tracks [Re: shortieg]
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Wow, ok I guess I just need to figure that out.. I notice he changes a little and I ask if he is ok, He just says yes... Not much to go off....

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#409775 - 09/11/12 01:24 AM Re: frozen in my tracks [Re: shortieg]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
I think that you are getting really good advice. maybe try asking how he is feeling if you notice a change? Or if you see him glazing over stop and tell him that, he may not realize right away that he is doing it. And then give him a chance to come back or talk about it whatever he needs. I still struggle at times with being present during sex myself and sometimes wont even realize I'm not present unless my partner calls me on it.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#409788 - 09/11/12 02:34 AM Re: frozen in my tracks [Re: shortieg]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3488
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i just realized - oral is not a problem for me - because that was not part of my history. in fact my wife asked me about that - horror-struck not long ago - if she had done something terrible and had triggered me back when we last did that. i assured her that it wasn't a big deal in my case, though it probly would be for some guys. but something as otherwise innocuous as the touch through underwear is HUGE for me. just goes to show that everybody's issues are different. you can't assume anything and it helps to really talk about it - as hard as that is. actually - my T and my wife say i need to talk more while engaged sexually - because it helps keep me from getting lost and going away. so that might be helpful for you too - if he (and maybe both of you) can say what he is doing and feeling while it is happening.


Edited by traveler (09/11/12 05:04 AM)
Edit Reason: typos
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#409821 - 09/11/12 09:51 AM Re: frozen in my tracks [Re: shortieg]
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Thank you all for your replies and insight. This is such new territory for me and I am glad we are finally to this point. I dont not want to overstep and throw him into nightmares about it.

Traveler- yeah I could definitely see how certain stuff can be a trigger, which is why im having this dilemma. I have always been pretty open to doing stuff, I just dont want to have it where he is just doing it to reenact the abuse.

I was hoping once we got over the last hurdle, we wouldn't have to jump more but I guess that's wrong.

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#410035 - 09/13/12 12:09 PM Re: frozen in my tracks [Re: shortieg]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I think the best thing is to have an air of lightness about sex. It's just sex, right? It's supposed to be fun. Not a damn walk on a tightrope.

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