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#409982 - 09/12/12 10:22 PM Victim - how long?
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
I have been a bit quiet on here for the last week, just trying to take a few steps back and take in what everyone has to say. But this has made me feel very isolated. (thanks for the few MP's but I couldn't bring myself to reply yet) The up side is that MS has proved to be a good substitute for porn. (that is what I do on the computer now - not that it arouses me).

I feel like I am obsessed about my CSA (now that i actually 'get' that I was abused). It seems to fill my thoughts all day. Everything else is being neglected. Even now I am sitting on the computer instead of out being out on the tractor where I should be. I kind of prefer denial to be honest.

So far I have come to understand a few things about what is going on for me. (thanks to the guys on here)

1. My exhibitionism around other men is not because I want them to want to have sex with me. It is because I want them to admire me - to think I am manly, have it all together, am 'perfect' and that there is nothing 'wrong' with me.

2. I have worth as a human being - just because God made me. I have put so much emphasis on how I look (good and bad). I was a cute little blonde haired, blue eyed boy and everyone told me so. It felt like that was why I deserved attention. It feels like that is why I was abused. Teen years were different - my hair went brown, pimples and at 13 I was 6' but only weighed 50kg (110lb). I felt ugly and a freak. Then I grew up and filled out. It is a rollercoaster because I still look at myself and think I'm ugly, too fat, too skinny, not muscly enough (the reality is that I am probably an average looking 35 year old man). But people would tell me I am handsome, give me free stuff at shops etc. One of my coworkers suggested that I only got promoted in my job because I'm one of the beautiful people. Still felt like an ugly person pretending to be good looking to get attention. Anyway rambling here. I am starting to understand that it is what is on the inside that REALLY matters and that isn't pretty....yet. Hope someone here 'gets' this.

3. The compulsion I have to act out with other men is not about me seducing them with my hot body, good looks and massive cock (all wishful thinking) - it is about me recreating the abuse that happened to me as a boy. It is about me feeling like a dirty piece of shit that should to be used and abused and that is all I deserve. I am trying to destroy whatever there is left in me that is good and pure.

4. I can overcome the temptation to act out with God's help. Yesterday I could feel the pressure building but I was able to stop myself from going to a park. It took all of my strength and I was physically drained for the rest of the day. But the lack of regret and shame is so much more powerful.

5. Even though I have tried to keep how truly messed up I feel from my wife. It is still affecting her and she is not feeling the love and affection from me that she should. I bought her a great dane puppy and that is filling the gap for now.

6. I probably can't keep it all together forever. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Working on the dairy farm 7 days a week (I have had 8 days off in 3 years), doing my own graphic design business at night, being a good husband, getting my kids ready for school, making lunches etc, managing poor health (CFS), volunteering for the school, leading my church's music and kids ministries and spending time recovering from CSA. I guess I need some room in my life for me - for self caring so I don't feel the need to self sooth. Can't see how that could happen yet....

As a kid I was always told I was lazy etc. So I guess a part of me has always wanted to prove them wrong. I have never let myself 'deal' with the past up until the last few weeks. It feels so wrong to be spending sooo much time thinking about myself and giving the CSA so much power over me even now. I am assuming that it is a good thing for my recovery to finally 'feel' the impact of my CSA - to feel like a victim. But now it feels like 'OK you have had your little sook about it. Now, man up, move on and get over it and get back to work.'

I guess I want to ask you guys how long you were stuck in the feeling like a victim stage before you moved on to the next step of recovery.? I know everyone will be different and it will probably take more than a few weeks. Just thought it might be helpful to get an idea of how it worked for other guys. And maybe I could cut myself some slack .... or maybe I just need to get on with life. You tell me!! Sorry about the long post.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#409985 - 09/12/12 11:47 PM Re: Starting to understand just how messed up I am [Re: Farmer Boy]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1510
Loc: New England
Dear Lee,

I know exactly what you mean by the "victim stage" and it took me a couple of months to get past it. All the feelings of betrayal, abandonment, anger, fear, and confusion came to the surface and I was drowning in these emotions that had been held in for so long. I no longer had drugs or alcohol to cushion the blows.

Cut yourself some slack. Find a way to get some time to take care of yourself. And don't fall for the "manup" voice in your head. You've been doing that too long already. You can be a real man who faces the feelings and is strong enough to withstand them. I'm just starting to see some daylight and I thought I never would. You will too.
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#410003 - 09/13/12 02:27 AM Re: Starting to understand just how messed up I am [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Thanks Gary for your feedback and insight!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410007 - 09/13/12 04:05 AM Re: Starting to understand just how messed up I am [Re: Farmer Boy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3373
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Farmer Lee -

How long was it that I was totally immersed in CSA issues to the exclusion of all else? Trying to think back – I couldn’t remember. So I went through the list of my old posts from the very beginning of my involvement here. I know it says I registered in 2006 but at that time I read a bunch of threads and got so overwhelmed that I ran like crazy and didn’t come back here for 5 ˝ years - till my wife pressured me into therapy and a couple weeks later I slunk back here ready to learn and change. That was just last November. I started reviewing what I’ve posted since then and it was very encouraging to see what has happened in sequence. So thanks for being the one who gave me that nudge.

I discovered that – like you – at first I was obsessed with my own situation – the wretched past, the miserable present, the fearsome future – and couldn’t think of anything else. I lived, slept, ate and breathed CSA. There was rarely a moment – awake or asleep – when it did not consume my conscious or unconscious mind and emotions. It was hell!

(Right – like you said – it is different for everyone. I don’t know if my timeline will be encouraging or discouraging to you. So don’t assume that yours will necessarily be the same.)

But there were vacations from hell – bright spots when I had a breakthrough or realization or discovery that was so encouraging or enlightening or strengthening – that it gave me the determination to press on. The first really big one came about 2 months after I started therapy. Others followed at irregular intervals. It was a real roller-coaster – but the general trend was upward. It also involved a lot of hard painful work: remembering, analyzing, discussing, reading, writing… I think it was probly 4 months into getting serious about dealing with these issues and entering therapy – once a week at first – and later, adding another weekly session along with my wife – that I realized that life was looking better and more positive and brighter for me. I was wandering off the farm for hours on end without snapping back to my CSA. Someone even remarked that I had a new spring in my step. Just to say – the feeling of being stuck doesn’t last forever.

OK – now about that list of yours – that is a huge amount of good understanding that you have accomplished. Good work – see, you are not stuck. You just feel that way. Wish I could respond in more depth – but for now – congrats on not acting out! That is a battle won. PTL! And I identify with the relationship with the wife and trying to minimize the level of damage and the neglect of her. Now I’m working more at including her and trying to make her feel more loved and valued. She has helped immensely in my healing so far.

The point I want to strongly emphasize is number 6. You are way too over-committed. You need to cut back and not demand so much of yourself. You are headed for a fall if you try to maintain this level of demands on your time and efforts and striving to satisfy everyone’s expectations. You DO need to cut yourself some slack – and not in the area of CSA recovery. You will make great progress if you can apply the degree of drive to your healing that you do to the rest of your responsibilities. But don’t push yourself too hard there, either. Slow down and don’t overdo it. Hope this doesn’t come across as bossy – but PLEASE take it seriously!

When did I start feeling like a survivor instead of a victim? I think it was that first major breakthrough. I could tell the difference in my thinking, feelings and outlook on life.

Believing for good healing for you,
Traveler Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#410008 - 09/13/12 05:12 AM Re: Starting to understand just how messed up I am [Re: Farmer Boy]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey brothers Lee, Lee and Gary smile
Lee (Farmboy) I think that you are doing greatly for your recovery, you are some heavy fighter, I can tell that already, you have my hat off for your courage and honesty smile
I can just share parts of my experience even we all are not the same.
Must say that my obsession with CSA and its effect last almost 10 months now. I'm not sure when I've changed my inner attitude but I guess the moment when I become aware why some things are happening to me and what they represent (recalling traumatic events and living by seeing only my negative self image) somehow that started pushing things in me more toward healing.
I must say that finding some balance between my healing (reading about survivors, finding articles, posts, books, starting therapy...) and doing my job and maintaining my regular social relationships was extremely hard. I caught myself to deal with my issues in the phase of my life when I have had almost every day some hobby, sport or similar activity. It was like I've preoccupied all my free time with some outgoing activities and suddenly I didn't have any spare time for myself.
I still occasionally have to remember myself what are my priorities and I admit that I can easily lost my self.
I've learned that my boundaries are very fluid comparing to some "normal" people, I can easily forget on my needs just to make people happy around me. So I'm still learning to say no. Anyway this last 2-3 months I removed my self from many hobbies and activities that I was regularly doing last year and concentrated myself more to my "inner" needs. No matter how much time I'll need I know that I have to work hard to learn how to protect my self from wasting energy and to stay focused.
Please forget on words like:
"or maybe I just need to get on with life."
It is extremely important to deal with yourself with carrying sensitivity and love. Something similar like you would in case you have to deal whit some helpless child.
Please in every occasion try to give love to yourself try to be very patient and supportive to self. I've learned that is healing and that is something that I needed desperately.
Just keep up, I'm sure that you'll find own balance and pace.
Keep sharing with us!

Pero (Igor)
_________________________
My story

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#410017 - 09/13/12 10:23 AM Re: Starting to understand just how messed up I am [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I would do all kinda good deeds for neighbors and friends. It is a good thing but it was just me wanting to e accepted more by them. I have seen that I didn't have to do all that stuff and I need time to relax.
Farmer I think u are doing way too much and should look at why u are doing all these things. wishing u the best
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#410052 - 09/13/12 04:51 PM Re: Starting to understand just how messed up I am [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Thanks Traveler

I saw you online yesterday and thought gee I hope he is looking at my post. I would like to know what he has to say. Thank you for taking the time to respond in such depth. I know how valuable time is and it means a lot to me that you would take the time.

Thanks for sharing about your journey so far. It gives me hope!

I hear you on point 6. and I am trying to take it seriously. I am going to spend some time deciding what my priorities should be. God (not necesssarily ministry), Wife, Kids, Me, Work, everyone else. Maybe me should be up the list for a little while???

Can't wait until I feel like a survior!!!!
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410053 - 09/13/12 05:02 PM Re: Starting to understand just how messed up I am [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Thanks Pero for sharing

I guess we try to fill our lives with so much stuff so we don't HAVE to deal with the reality of our situation. I have never used sports or hobbies. (that isn't allowed in my family - only work).

Like I said to Traveler - I will be looking at my priorities.

I have never thought of giving love to myself or being patient and supportive of myself. WOW!!! Can I really do that? "I am a piece of shit - I deserve to be abused" is what I think. Thanks for openning my eyes here. I will work on that too. I guess this is something most of us face.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410054 - 09/13/12 05:14 PM Re: Starting to understand just how messed up I am [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Country

Thanks for replying!

I have been thinking about the why too.

I guess that my points 1. trying to make other men admire me, 2. thinking that I have worth because others think I'm attractive and 6. I have been trying to please everyone else ....are all related. I can see that they are all just me trying to feel loved and accepted. Something I never felt growing up. What my abuse taught me was that I had to 'Do' something for someone for them to accept me. No one will love me just for being me. I have to earn their love.

This has messed with my idea of God too and I am finally starting to understand grace.

Thanks for pushing me in this direction Country! I always value your input.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410055 - 09/13/12 05:33 PM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I hear ya Farmer. I feel and share in you agony. And stopping these things won't be easy but you will find, as I have, people will still like and accept you. We as survivors have some extrodinary traits and characteristics. My abuse led me to overachieve in almost everything. Sports growing up, hunting, work and pleasing others. An the sad thing is when they didn't seem overwhelmed it made me mad. I was doing all these things because the boy in me was still wanting to put up the better than I really am persona. I am a broken shell of a man now because of all my overachieving. I am totally fine being mediocre now and see that I still have just as many friends. Keep getting better day by day. Know this, we are (none of us, worthy of Gods mercy and love. But thru Jesus that battle has been won for us bro. Thru Him we are victorious and a new person. I am not who I was and I was remade, I am new ( as the song states). Peace bro and you are gonna be alright in this. I got ya back as does everyone else here.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#410056 - 09/13/12 05:34 PM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
One more thing that I may have seen on MS and want to tell you as well. The windshield is always bigger than the rear view mirror because it is more important to see where we are going that where we have been.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#410059 - 09/13/12 06:31 PM * [Re: Farmer Boy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:09 PM)

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#410063 - 09/13/12 07:46 PM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Gary

Thanks for the reply.

I am known for my bluntness and I really appreciate it in others. I can relate! I get what you mean about feeling validated during sex - like I had some value. I felt (just changed that from feel - because it IS in the past!)like that. It too was how I learned to feel loved and accepted. (even though the men really didn't care about me - It was just a way for then to get off). It still made me feel I had value. Only after the shame and guilt kicked in did I feel bad.

I guess, for me, the feeling like I am a piece of shit comes from a deeper place, underneath all that. It is probably less to do with my CSA but more to do with my dad not wanting to have anything to do with me. I didn't have any self respect and thought that I am not worthy of a real loving relationship. Like I am damaged goods. On the surface I felt like 'wow, I'm so sexy these guys want to have sex with me' but really I was degrading myself. Just offering myself up as a piece of meat or a warm mouth (sorry for the bluntness).

I think with the recovery thing it helps to take the focus off ourselves every now and again. It helps get perspective.

The support you and everyone else on here provides is SO VALUABLE! I cannot find words to say how much it helps me.

Thanks for sharing.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410087 - 09/14/12 06:02 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Stay strong! Your test will become your test-imony, your mess will become your mess-age.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#410089 - 09/14/12 07:24 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Thanks Country

Did you come up with that by yourself? It is pretty clever. I live in hope that one day I will be able to share the transformation that God has made in my life.

I know God has the power to use my life experience for His glory.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410091 - 09/14/12 09:33 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
No, I got it from a retweet on twitter. I like the saying and thought or felt led to share it with you. Sharing what God has done for you is one strong thing to do. I would love to hear it when you feel like sharing. Now go milk some of them heifers. Haha. I use to work in the cattle industry also. Just at a auction yard tho.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#410190 - 09/15/12 08:50 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Ha Ha

Thanks Country.

We have a batch of 24 freshly calved heifers at the moment and boy can some of them kick (Jerseys). I do like working with cows better that people sometimes though. If a cow plays up you can just wack it with a piece of poly pipe - apparently that isn't ok with people.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410218 - 09/15/12 06:38 PM * [Re: Farmer Boy]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:10 PM)

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#410261 - 09/16/12 02:30 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: traveler]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: traveler

The point I want to strongly emphasize is number 6. You are way too over-committed. You need to cut back and not demand so much of yourself. You are headed for a fall if you try to maintain this level of demands on your time and efforts and striving to satisfy everyone’s expectations. You DO need to cut yourself some slack – and not in the area of CSA recovery. You will make great progress if you can apply the degree of drive to your healing that you do to the rest of your responsibilities. But don’t push yourself too hard there, either. Slow down and don’t overdo it. Hope this doesn’t come across as bossy – but PLEASE take it seriously!


The scaring thing is I realised that it wasn't even a complete list.

Yesterday I took 20 minutes to have a quick swim and sit in the sun and just relax. (I had been down in the creek setting up the irrigation in the hot sun for 2 hours). It was sooo good for my soul. I still felt so guilty at the time - but it was worth it.

I am feeling more inner strength to start telling people no. But I think I have to see out all the things I have already committed to.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410264 - 09/16/12 02:52 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: Farmer Boy
2. I have worth as a human being - just because God made me. I have put so much emphasis on how I look (good and bad). I was a cute little blonde haired, blue eyed boy and everyone told me so. It felt like that was why I deserved attention. It feels like that is why I was abused. Teen years were different - my hair went brown, pimples and at 13 I was 6' but only weighed 50kg (110lb). I felt ugly and a freak. Then I grew up and filled out. It is a rollercoaster because I still look at myself and think I'm ugly, too fat, too skinny, not muscly enough (the reality is that I am probably an average looking 35 year old man). But people would tell me I am handsome, give me free stuff at shops etc. One of my coworkers suggested that I only got promoted in my job because I'm one of the beautiful people. Still felt like an ugly person pretending to be good looking to get attention. Anyway rambling here. I am starting to understand that it is what is on the inside that REALLY matters and that isn't pretty....yet. Hope someone here 'gets' this.


More thoughts on the self image thing.

My wife says that I'm like a cameleon. I change my appearance, behaviour even the way I talk to suit whoever I am around. It is a bit like I clone them. I don't even know I'm doing sometimes. I think this is not knowing who I am and just tring desperately to be accepted.

The other thing that I am really embarrased to say is that so twisted is my self image that I have photoshopped nearly every picture of myself. (this probably comes from my graphic design background and airbrushing models all the time - it just felt acceptable behaviour). The quest for beauty can be so powerful. It is getting worse as I get older as I am starting to loose my youthful appearance. I think if I could have afforded plastic surgery I would have done it years ago. I know I don't need to do it. I have no disfigurement and others have said I'm attractive. It is just the whole trying to be 'perfect' and accepted and admired.

I guess I just need learn to accept myself. It isn't accepting that I am ok looking - but that it doesn't natter and that is not the measure of a man. I need to accept my insides.

Thanks for reading.

Anyone else feel like sharing how long they felt or still feel like a 'victim'? Like it is all so real and fresh.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410357 - 09/17/12 09:29 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Lee,

You stop being a victim the minute you start taking steps to have the life you want to lead.

You're not a victim any more. You're a survivor. You're putting the past in the past and working to build the future you want to have.

Now you get the journey into the new life.

From my perspective, the best way to handle the journey into the new life is to find it interesting. If you can watch the steps forward and the steps back and know that each one has its place, that the steps forward are great (even though sometimes they're scary, like when you're trying to say 'no' to people), and that the steps backward are OK, too, even though they feel like failures. All of it is part of the process.

Success and failure are probably bad terms for the healing process, the steps forward are not the end result, and the steps back do not reset the clock at the first day of recovery. Instead you want to be aware of your overall patterns so you can see the real scope of the change you're making in your life.

You may still feel like a victim, but to me you've already moved past that into the much healthier place of choosing your new life.

In part I think this question goes back to the question of blame that occurs pretty regularly here. Sometimes you might think you're still a victim because you still blame or hate the abuser and because you're thinking about the abuse a lot as you are moving forward. This thinking reminds you that you have been abused and are thus a victim. The sooner you can stop the blaming (if it's there) the sooner you'll really feel in control. As long as there's someone to blame you can pass the buck and make someone else responsible for your problems. That's practically the definition of victim (someone who is at the mercy of someone else who is ultimately to blame). If you can get past the blaming and only see the present tense problems you have, you cut the victimhood out of the picture. No abuser, no abuse just current situations that you can learn to control and change.


I hope this is helpful.

Danny

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#410374 - 09/17/12 11:54 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: DannyT]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Danny, this is worded so eloquently and so concisely, I just wanted to compliment and thank you for writing it here.

You describe "letting go of the past". It's extremely difficult to do (we perceive), but all it really is, is a decision and taking deliberate steps to move in that direction. And part of that is just looking at our issues IN THE MOMENT.

When our mental focus is uncluttered by the past, it has clarity in the present.

D

Originally Posted By: DannyT


In part I think this question goes back to the question of blame that occurs pretty regularly here. Sometimes you might think you're still a victim because you still blame or hate the abuser and because you're thinking about the abuse a lot as you are moving forward. This thinking reminds you that you have been abused and are thus a victim. The sooner you can stop the blaming (if it's there) the sooner you'll really feel in control. As long as there's someone to blame you can pass the buck and make someone else responsible for your problems. That's practically the definition of victim (someone who is at the mercy of someone else who is ultimately to blame). If you can get past the blaming and only see the present tense problems you have, you cut the victimhood out of the picture. No abuser, no abuse just current situations that you can learn to control and change.

Danny
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#410452 - 09/17/12 09:32 PM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: DannyT]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: DannyT
As long as there's someone to blame you can pass the buck and make someone else responsible for your problems. That's practically the definition of victim (someone who is at the mercy of someone else who is ultimately to blame). If you can get past the blaming and only see the present tense problems you have, you cut the victimhood out of the picture. No abuser, no abuse just current situations that you can learn to control and change.


I hope this is helpful.

Danny


Thanks Danny

That was REALLY, REALLY encouraging and helpful.

I can see now how I have not been taking responsibility for my own behaviour as far as the acting out etc (it isn't really my fault - I was conditioned that way). But hey I'm a grown up now and I need to face the music - so to speak. I have been working with my T about having a couples session to tell my wife about the acting out with men.

It is the next step in choosing to have a real, honest relationship with my wife (where she actually knows who she is married to). I have been terrified she leave me and this whole 'fake' happy life I have built for myself will come tumbling down. I now know that this step is vital for me to move forwards and take ownership for my sin.

What THEY did to me was THEIR sin - What I have done since is MY sin.

I'll keep you all posted. I see my T again tomorrow.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#410498 - 09/18/12 09:06 AM Re: Victim - how long? [Re: Farmer Boy]
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Lee,

I'm really glad my note was helpful. It's good to know the hard won understandings can be shared and be useful to others.

I'm happy for you that you're making such great headway.

Danny

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