I am going for it, I have put this off for to long and now its time for the words to come out. It has become an ever present reality these last few months and the notion that it is not real because I havent in detail told my story has to end. So here it is.

I came from a very broken home, mom and dad divorced when I was 2yrs old and both remarried. I lived with my mother and step-father for 7 years. I had one older brother and 2 sisters. My mother died when I was 9 years old, she had commited suicide. She had a very rough life and suffered from extreme depression. She was physicaly abused throughout her second marraige, my step-father drank heavily and was very abussive twards me as well. I was beaten down emotionaly and physicaly even before my mother passed. I had no one to turn to, I was a mommas boy trough and through. I was sent to live with my Father who lived in another state I didnt know him so it was very frightning. He rejected me the moment we met. I was not the BOY he wanted I was very sensitive a sissy if you will, I had just lost my mother and he had no room for any of it. My older brother and father enjoyed calling me faggot and queer. My brother offered up regular beatings as a way to deal with his emotions.

By the age of 11 I had no self worth I became numb to the beatings and name calling. I had accepted that I was what they said I was. One afternoon I was playing with 3 of my friends in a construction site, there were huge concrete drain pipes we were playing in we saw a girl walking twards us. We recognized her as "V", she was the local tom boy and very strong. she was 17yrs old and often beat the shit out of us. she approached us and asked what we were doing then removed her shirt. "Do you guys like my tits?" V asked. No one answered. she then took liberty with Ricky she demanded we take out penises and we followed her command. Ricky was the first she got down and gave him a blow job she repeated this with each of us. Being very forceful and threatening to beat us if we didnt obey. "Stick your finger in my Pussy" and we did. I was disgusted I couldnt believe what we were doing. I had never seen a woman naked before and it was all so alien. It lasted for an eternity. When she was done with us she told us she and her brother would kill us. My lips were sealed. I went home and vommited. The next morning she beat the shit out of me and Ricky and ridiculed how underdeveloped we were.

I moved back to colorado where my mother was from and ran the streets, my father was all to happy to get rid of me. I was staying with a relative and had no supervision I stayed out for days without being noticed. I had a friend i ran with, at the age of 12 we were already smoking pot and drinking heavily. He had an older brother Chris, from my perspective they had a normal life, a mom and dad a house. Looking back I now realized their parents were alcoholics and never around. Chris was 19 at the time and we all thought he was cool as hell. He bought us beer and always had a supply of pot. Chris was well rounded played ball in school always had women around and very popular.

Chris took me under his wing, called me his "little bro". I never had any male pay attention to me like this. He accepted me I was cool he was the brother I never had. We regularly smoked weed in the basement but this night was different he had something more, RUSH and Coke. Everyone got nice and buzzed and decided to leave and cruise the streets. Chris suggested I stay behind and smoke a little more and we would catch up later. I eagerly agreed, I couldnt believe he wanted to just chill out with me! Was I really that freakin cool? The answer to that is NO.

After they all left Chris opened the bottle of Rush and had me huff it, I hit the couch like a ton of bricks. I smoked so much weed there was no way I could comprehend what was going to happen next. He slipped his hand down my pants rubbing my dick I got hard almost immediately. I remeber thinking that this isnt right but I was frozen I couldnt protest I wanted to run out but my body wouldnt respond. He then went down and started sucking me off. This was nothing like what it was like with "V". I remember my body tightening and tensing up. He slid his hand under me and penetrated my rear with his finger. I began to spasm, I didnt know what was happening to my body and I came.
"Good Job" Chris said "Did that feel good to you?"
I just sat there trying to make sense of what just happened. He pulled out his penis and pushed my head down coaching me teaching me what to do. I couldnt manage he was to big, his frustration built so he turned me over placing a pillow under my pelvis. He rubbed himself up and down my rear, I was in panic mode I tried to get up but he assured me this was ok. He layed his entire body on my back and penetrated me. I remember the pain, although he attempted to lubricate with saliva it didnt work he tore through me, I cried and asked him to stop... begged him to stop but he kept going breathing in my ear sweating on me I LOVE YOU. The fucker actually said I love you. I felt him finish the burning was intollerable. He kissed me over and over then took me to the shower and cleaned me up.
"Your still my little bro, right?" I just looked at him. I had no one to tell no one to protect me. I was alone .


This repeated itself a few times. At the time I had no place to go so he was always around with drugs and booze he was at the core of my circle of friends I felt I had no other options. I feared not having him as a big bro. I thought that is what I had to do to have someone genuinely care for me. I fear I whored myself out at the age of 12... is that even possible?

That was Jay, Jay is what all my friends called me back then.....

-Jess-