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#409900 - 09/12/12 09:10 AM shared therapist or different one
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
My H is *finally* seeing a therapist that specializes in CSA this week! Woo Hoo!!!! I know this doesn't guarantee the future, but it is a damn good step in the right direction. He has talked to two psychologists in the past about his abuse, but they were experienced in marriage counseling, not csa. The first accepted that he was "over it" and told me I had to accept that he just had a lower libido than mine (for anyone who's read my other posts, what a joke!!!) and the second said this was outside his expertise and said he would help us deal with behaviour and communication, which again my H interpreted to mean that we could fix our marriage without him dealing with his csa.

So after two years of marriage counseling (each yr separated by 5 years) we are no further ahead accept that I now realise where my boundaries are and that marriage counseling will never be enough.

So, to my question, I think I should also start therapy or at least have couples sessions at some point with a therapist that specializes in csa. Should I see the same T as my H so he has the background and perspective from my H, or should I see someone different? I am worried that my H will hold back if I am going to the same person for fear of them telling me something or me telling them something about him. I know that both previous psychologists were not given the full story of his abuse. He opened a little more with the second, but still stopped short.

Is meeting / knowing my H and his first hand story even necessary for me to have successful therapy because mine would focus on my role as supporter and keeping my boundaries in check?
For those with successful recoveries (or well on its way), what has been your experience.

Thanks
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#409915 - 09/12/12 10:30 AM Re: shared therapist or different one [Re: CdnDW]
shortieg Offline


Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
For us, it was better for h to see a therapist and I had my own. He felt he could express more without brining me into it anymore than I already had been.
He was able to deal with his issues, and I could deal with mine. Best of luck to you on your journey!

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#409969 - 09/12/12 08:55 PM Re: shared therapist or different one [Re: CdnDW]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5776
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
You could always do separate therapists and at some point agree that the Ts could speak to each other.

My wife and I are both therapists and sometimes we will see individual clients who will agree that we can speak to each other about our individual clients. We don't share with the client that his wife said (or the husband said) to the client but we are able to discuss the situation with each other as therapists.

When we have a situation that needs to be discussed with the client, we will get permission from each client to discuss that aspect.

You don't have to get a husband and wife T team to do this. You can sign releases of certain information to discuss with the T to talk with the other T when it is appropriate.

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#410034 - 09/13/12 12:01 PM Re: shared therapist or different one [Re: CdnDW]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey CdnDW,

I'm psyched to hear about the steps toward progress. Hey, like so many of us say, it gets better. It can and will get better. Keep trying.

Back when I cheated on my wife (On the love of my life! Literally the smartest and most beautiful woman I'VE EVER MET!?! What the fuck was I thinking/doing? What an asshole? whatever.) and told the truth in my pathetic and halting way, my wife and I started marriage counseling. A few months later, I finally said the words I never thought I'd say, which was that, you know. Anyway, I picked up another counselor, someone who specializes in child sexual abuse and who could diagnose medication. That was important. I love meds. Meds should never replace therapy, but they can make therapy possible. And when you're freaking out and dangerous, as I sometimes was in those first few months, they can quite literally save lives.

CdnDW, if you could have seen or heard me then, you'd never have recognized the guy who's writing things on this site today. Honestly. There is a huge potential for positive change in your life, marriage and in your husband's life.

But... on to the topic at hand.... I was nervous sometimes that the therapist I shared with my wife would pass information back and forth. I was nervous that she'd judge me. For a time, I white-washed some things. Let me be clear. I lied to her. When I say, white-wash, what I'm saying is that I covered up the truth about things, and for me those are the most dangerous lies, because that's how I covered up the truth about the abuse I suffered as a kid. It's terrible for me to misrepresent my emotions. It's terrible for me to misrepresent things about my life.

Well, I want you to know that some of that stuff is very normal. It's normal for a victim like me to start to tell the truth while still lying about some things. Over months, especially as I began to take those excellent and calming meds, I would begin to tell more and more of the truth. Now granted, I'm a guy who takes things to extremes, so when I start telling the truth, it can get real true real quick. But it was terribly hard for me to give up those last little lies, the ones where I hid my deepest fears/shame/worry. That's where I hid those parts of myself that I felt were so repulsive that anyone who heard them, even if they were paid to hear them, would just fucking scream and be so disgusted by me.

I can't begin to describe to you how I would shake/tremble/cry/rock and all that when I was unleashing the truth. It was terrible. I'd walk out feeling light as a feather, but watch out, the next 24 hours would be like a fucking roller coaster. I'd be all over the place. Borderline suicidal. Crushed. Optimistic. You name it.

Later, after about two years (really, I have good insurance. I'm a union member, as should we all.) of double-dose therapy, I dropped the second therapist and stayed with the one who started out as our couples therapist. My wife had stopped by then. But I was still full-on with therapy. And at that time, I finally realized that I could set forward straightforward rules with my therapist. And that, finally, is the main thing that I want you and your husband to know. You can establish ground rules. Therapy is like any other profession. There are good therapists and bad ones. You should be able to find someone who shares your values. You sound like you've found a good one. If I were you guys, I'd share your concerns with them. Ask about different scenarios. If you T is any good, they'll give you honest feedback.

Bob

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#410038 - 09/13/12 12:47 PM Re: shared therapist or different one [Re: CdnDW]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Thanks for the input. All good ideas. I am going to wait until he has a sessions and then discuss this question with him. Ultimately what he is comfortable with. And Bob, yes white wash is a good term. I am pretty certain he is still white washing with me too, but I don't care at this point, as long as he starts to be truthful with himself and his therapist so they can truly help him.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#410040 - 09/13/12 01:32 PM Re: shared therapist or different one [Re: CdnDW]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
The most important thing is to start healing. And to start the process of recognizing the pain and other emotions for what they are... so they can be felt fully... so they can begin to do what they're supposed to do, which is fade. I'm rooting for you. Good luck.

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