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#409862 - 09/11/12 08:52 PM Recovering What You Were
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
I've had a lot on my plate, but with some things resolved for now my thoughts have sometimes turned to a question my T asked me a few weeks ago.

For some reason, perhaps to feel safe, I embarked on a project last year to restore pictures I'd taken as I'd entered puberty. Even at that age, I'd started to experiment with lighting, exposures, etc., and knew I was good at capturing the mood of a scene that would mean something to me. Given today's software and my adult expertise I was shocked and often brought to sobs as the images came back to life.

It was a time when I was with my dad, who had always encouraged my craft, and I felt safe.

Out of curiousity I also examined a lot of the freehand drawings I made at the time. Not quite the same reaction, but I was amazed that a 14-year-old could have produced such detail and innate sense of perspective.

My T had asked me, "Do you think you were a prodigy?" Funny. I didn't even think about the answer. I said yes.

There are no drawings from the time of the abuse. A last set of photo studies was made a month following the last of the abuse, and that was the last of them.

I've been in visual media all my life. Sometimes people say I nail it. Sometimes it gets professional recognition, which is nice, but it doesn't carry the same feeling I had when I knew intuitively at that young age I'd captured something special.

The closest I've come is when I restored those pictures. I'd like to tap into that again. I'd like to hear from those of us who HAVE been able to tap back into the talents they lost after the abuse.

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#409863 - 09/11/12 09:41 PM * [Re: Lancer]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:08 PM)

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#409865 - 09/11/12 10:08 PM Re: Recovering What You Were [Re: Lancer]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3396
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Lancer - it is wonderful to hear you are recovering or reconnecting with some of your lost talents and passions. that sounds like a very healing process. i would love to see some of your work.

Gary - you haven't lost your gift for writing - i've seen it here. maybe it was diverted into different channels - but you still got it - and i believe you can reclaim it to redirect it where you want to go.

i - never lost the ability to create visual art. it was my ivory tower - an escape, a refuge, another world that was clean and perfect and beautiful and peaceful and right. i know some people - like Thebo - find art is a great therapeutic outlet and expression for all the rage and pain and confusion - but i have never wanted to use it that way. it was like i had to have one area of life that was untouched by the ugliness of the abuse.

my writing, however, often took a darker turn. i never left it behind either - but kept it up as a means of release. for a while i even wrote accounts of my abuse events in such harrowing graphic detail that they were almost pornographic if you were inclined that way. i destroyed them all. but i still write poetry quite often, as well as more essay-like musings.

i also got into drama in college for the first time - and found it a great form of therapy. at that period i was emotionally numb or dead or disabled. i felt nothing. but i could observe others and imitate their reactions to events that were motivated by emotions. that's how i performed on stage and i was told i was very convincing - always got lead roles - often challenging ones - and frequently the quirky character parts. it was safe on stage because i had a script and knew what came next and how to act and was expressing someone else's thoughts, words and emotions. that was what opened the door a chink to allow myself to start feeling again.

so for me - it wasn't things i had and then lost as a result of abuse. (but then the abuse started pretty young for me - at 5 1/2 you really haven't had the chance to develop too many abilities.) it was more like i lost the opportunity to achieve or at least attempt things that were destroyed in advance by the abuse. especially sports physical stuff, and any kind of group or team activities that required cooperation and acceptance. one thing that did get ruined later - in my adolescence - was out-doorsy guy things like camping, hiking, hunting - that was spoiled by abuse by fellow scouts.

so yeah - i can partially relate. i think the biggest effect upon my "talent" was that the abuse robbed me of the self-confidence and self-esteem to really compete and succeed in any wider public arena. i have kept my achievements and risk-taking pretty limited and small-scale becuse of fear and insecurity.

Lee


Edited by traveler (09/11/12 10:17 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#410028 - 09/13/12 11:27 AM Re: Recovering What You Were [Re: Lancer]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
The talent that I would like to tap into that I'm sure was there before the abuse was living life without feeling like I have to hide who I am from the world and even from myself.

Caz
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#410057 - 09/13/12 05:41 PM Re: Recovering What You Were [Re: Lancer]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I could never draw a lick. I mean I would make a stick man look ugly. That's for real. I wish I could tho. I can't think of anything I talent lost thru abuse that there is to recover. I was always into sports as a child and they high school into college an even after. Then I coached kids ball. I have never been good at building anything, I mean a bird wouldnt live in a bird house if I built one. This topic has me thinking tho.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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