I am looking up! This is the enemy fighting me hard and trying to convince me I can never be free and healed. I'm already free! I will be healed, and then I will be a hunter too. I learned last week that the depth of my past is only an indication of the height of my future, so I'll learn how to fight evil too. God will show me how to sort this stuff out, and how to deal with so much of what I don't understand about how life is supposed to work. I need a job to get back to school, and He will lead me there too if that is where he wants me to be. My counselor in HS said I was not smart enough to go to college, and she was wrong.

It's like this is a train wreck and my learning and finding a normal life are all in a pile on the side of broken tracks. But, God can fix the tracks, put the train back on and make it into a better train, and lead me to a place where I know what normal is and to where he wants me to be.

I will also find a way to help the little kid inside sleep in His hand. I don't even know how old I am inside, but he can fix that too. Lincoln is my favorite President. He said once: "Many times I have been driven on my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. That all about me seemed insufficient for the day". I'm there, and He will show me how to keep moving forward. I am, and I will be, so much more through Him then anyone ever expected I could be.

My lady T gently pushed me to trying a guy T and I was hesitant at first, but I trust her so I reached out. I am working with him now and he is awesome, also a Christian counselor. My focus now in on trying to see me as God sees me, which is hard somedays as I am still human and still confused inside about things. Someone here asked me what I think sex is. To me it is something you do for someone else. The word intimacy scares me because it's supposed to mean a shared relationship, but I don't understand how to do that, I only know how to provide and do what I'm told to do, so I struggle with the idea. My new counselor uses a process called Theophostic ministry and I like this approach. It's like we focus on something and ask God to take us there and show us what was happening, where feelings we have today started with events, and we look hard at memories. I know of some events, and that I learned to dissociate. With the ones I know about more details are filling in and that hurts, as I don't want to see any more details. I told my T I think we have to look at them to stomp them, so I'm trying. One image came to my mind several times during our first Theophostic process this week. That was the face of a lion. I think it was Aslan from the Narnia stories who is really the Lion of Judah. Seeing the Lion there with all that other stuff shows me God was there and is here. I know He can fix anything so I will try to climb up on the Lion's back and let Him take me where He wants me to go. I don't want to see any more memories or find new triggers, but if the Lion says I have to I will. Better to follow His direction then the direction I got growing up from the enemy who whispers nothing but lies that I won't believe anymore.

man well said

Buffalo -

this sounds really good!
what does "Theophostic process" mean?

Lee

Theophostic is a prayer focused T process. You let God take you to the source of your pain and feelings from today, back to where that idea was planted in you. It is not easy, but several times while sitting there with my eyes closed, crying and looking at events, the face of the Lion appeared to me. It is a Spirit led process and He has told me there is one more event further back I have to face for now. I know some places on the net say the process is not a true Christian approach, but I know it is working for me. I do not believe the Spirit would lead me to a process now that is false, so I am moving forward. I don't want to see this last event, and / or how many others there may be but if that is where I am led I must go there. We are not alone in this.

One thing I have noticed around the site is that some forms of "hate speak" are considered ok, or at least it feels that way. I do not preach in the chat room for example. If I am asked if I'm a person of faith, I will proudly say yes I am. The other day, a member told me I have mental problems because I support an organization (the church) which supports and practices child abuse. In one broad brush stoke, he labeled all people of faith as predators. At least I can say others challenged him on that along with me. Yet the fact is he felt comfortable attacking my faith in God. So much for the open mindedness of the secular progressive world.

I know where I was, I know where I am now, and I know who got me this far. Yet, some people here openly slam Christians or others, and when called out on it they respond with a comment such as "you need to be more open minded". Who is not being open minded in this? Attacks here on people of faith or those of one political side or another should not take place. I do not believe we can justify bad behavior by pointing to the bad behavior of others. As survivors, or supporters of survivors, we have had enough labels placed on us already along with the hurt that comes with it.

I know people were hurt in churches by predators. I also know Jesus was hurt by people in His church too. The actions of men (or women) in the natural are not always the actions of God. God did not sit by silently when my abuse happened, but the natural world in which we live is a world of free will. That is how He has ordained it whether we understand this or not. I know this too, God has already taken what was meant for my harm and has turned it toward my good. I am moving forward, I am starting to speak out and through his grace, and the hunted will become the hunter.

People want to point at believers and cry homophobic!! These same people will descend on Chick-fil-A for a national "kiss-in" day to make a point. A point about what? If someone doesn't like that this company's CEO is a person of faith...take your business elsewhere or start your own. The girl who came under attack by the angry customer in a youtube video that went viral showed great kindness in the face of meanness. It is sad how people can organize a national kiss-in day, yet there is no national movement to protest NAMBLA, or the numerous web sites that offer pornography of what they represent as "barely legal boys".

There are certainly people in churches who point to others (homosexuals, divorcees, ex-convicts or whatever) and say your sin is worse then mine. That is wrong and I don't like seeing it happen. These people are not following scripture in that approach, and I will not go down that road. Who ever wants to assume Christians are supposed to be perfect need to understand only one perfect person ever walked this earth in our faith, and that was Christ. My job is to glorify him in my behavior towards others, so I will not launch personal attacks on anyone. I may ask questions, I will defend myself when attacked, and hope those who want to see me as a mental case because I have faith will somehow look beyond their own stereotypes and see who I really am.

Amen Brother hit the nail on the head again
It is embarrassing that people would stand out with signs saying God hates F### or any such thing because this is not the love of Christ . Not to mention if someone has a bad experience with church or Christians than they just chalk it up as lumping everyone together . Or even just giving up on it all together because they had a bad experience when people have a bad sexual experiences do they give up?

It is irrational thinking really hell people even keep going back to people that continually hurt them or stab them in the back , do they give up on the relationship or give up on friendships that are not that healthy for themselves ? No

But because Christianity deals with the one thing most people do not want to deal with and that is sin than they find all kinds of reasons to try to discredit Christ or discredit the word of God instead of finding reasons to seek Christ or the word of God . There are plenty of reasons to pursue Christ but people want to be their own God they want to be " in control " but in control of nothing really.

The people that do not understand are usually the people who have not experienced Christ for themselves they are not trying to seek Thus sayeth the Lord for themselves . The Holy Spirit is intelligent it will lead and guide you into the knowledge of truth NOT MAN . Every man is not going to get it right and doctrine has really thrown everything off course a bunch of mans puffed up ideas trying to be preached as fact .

Doctrine is people getting together and picking and choosing how THEY believe this or that . People really need to just dig into the word of God for themselves and allow the Holy Spirit to lead them and guide them .
The spirit is intelligent the word of God is going to speak to each person right where they are in their life. A certain scripture is going to mean more to me in one way than it might mean to you because it is going to speak to you in a different way and lead you in a different direction because that is what you need at that particular time in your life , and it will lead me and work for me in a different way at that particular time in my life . This is the beauty of the word of God is going speak to you where you are .

The word is going to come alive in the area you need it to most When Allowed.
There are some things that are not going to make any sense to you one day and than all of a sudden maybe even 2 yrs later make complete and utter sense because you are ready to see it you are ready to receive it . I hope I am making sense

The moral of all this is that people who have been offended in one way or another with Christianity or God will continually find ways to believe in other things even if it hurts them but yet when it comes to God they want to only find ways not to believe.

I agree with your points Buffalo. Thank you for having the courage to post this.

Thanks Ntsaved and Jim. One of the good things I learned growing up was to respect other's beliefs and I try to. But, I have had my fill of labels from predators or people in general who think it's ok to treat me bad because I have faith, and because some groups think it's ok to dump on "those people" because they need to know how it feels to be marginalized. I know how that feels, learned that from CSA, and the other abuse. So my faith, it works for me, and I will not turn my back on the One who rescued me.