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#409684 - 09/10/12 10:20 AM The bravest/best thing you've ever done
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey guys,

Sometimes it seems to me that we dwell on the shitty, the crappy and the insane, well, because that's what brings us together. But I'd bet that all of us have done things at times that are noteworthy, brave, even fantastic.

Let's put some of those things down, for the record.

Here's one.

When I was in middle school, my friend's stepdad (who was a fucking sleazebag) and who never seemed to work, would pick up porn channels on his satellite dish and have them playing in the living room when we got home from school. He'd be sitting there in his underwear with a disgusting hard-on. He'd make his youngest stepson sit next to him, sometimes on his lap. He'd ask us all to sit on the couch, too, and then we'd watch these disgusting shows. He'd also order us around, like send us on errands to get him pop or chips or whatever from the convenience store. Once, he sent us to get pistachio nuts. He'd make dirty jokes all the time, too. He was a fat and disgusting asshole. As he gave my friend a few dollars for the pistachios, he said, with this gross and leering face, "You know what happens when I eat pistachios?" He was getting ready to say they make him horny or something, but I yelled, right into his face, "They make you FAT!" And then I ran out of the house. I think that was the beginning of me fighting back and pushing away the sexual abuse in my life. I swear to God it was an involuntary act, but I also think it was one of the bravest things I've ever done. I was terrified of that horrible pervert!

Tell me some good stories, guys.

Bob

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#409702 - 09/10/12 11:23 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Got married!
_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#409716 - 09/10/12 01:43 PM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 08:36 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#409717 - 09/10/12 01:55 PM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Wow, BDGD, wow!

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#409787 - 09/11/12 02:32 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Good thread, Bob. I don't know that serendipitous would be an accurate description, but it was loaded for me when I recalled it.

I believe it was the same summer the CSA had continued at the church camp where I was a counselor. Two of the perp's teenage sons were also counselors.

I came across one of them violently shaking an 8-10 year-old camper by the shoulders and yelling at him. The kid was absolutely terrified of this sloppy, fat bully, at least twice his size. I can still visualize the kid's eyes bulging. I don't know where it came from, but I told the bully to knock it off, immediately put a stop to it and the kid ran off.

Naturally the bully attempted to minimize the whole thing. I don't recall if I ever mentioned the incident to anyone. Probably not. Obviously at 16 I couldn't put it all together, but I believe that confronting the perp's son was my way at the moment to get back at the perp.

Today the son is a father and school teacher.

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#409815 - 09/11/12 09:32 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3396
Loc: somewhere in Africa
My list:

1. I went back to middle school every day after/while being abused by other kids.
2. I told my wife about the CSA in my past.
3. I started to work with a therapist.
4. I admitted that I had problems – named them – and identified what had caused them.
5. I spoke at a school staff meeting to tell my story of being bullied - to persuade them to take it seriously at our school.
6. I started spilling everything here on the MS forums.

I guess it’s no surprise that everything is related to abuse. Everything else in my life that was challenging – moving alone across country at 21 to start a new life in a place where I knew no one, taking a job half-way around the world in a foreign country, living in the jungle for several weeks, sending my kids to another country for college – all pales in comparison. I am impressed every time I log on here by the courage of every survivor who keeps on going… for some, getting up in the morning is an act of bravery.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#409816 - 09/11/12 09:35 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Thanks, Lancer. That's a good one. I wonder if it was possible to stand up for someone else, a vulnerable kid, because it wasn't you. You know, it's often easier for us to stand up for someone else rather than ourselves. And, yet, it's not easy. It's never easy to stand up to an aggressor. And standing up for someone else can lift us up in our own lives, plus, that act is what separates us from the abusers out there. Instead of victimizing the defenseless, we protect them. That's huge. In fact, just writing that has brought, literally, tears to my eyes. Thank you for what you did those years ago.

Bob

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#409819 - 09/11/12 09:46 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey Lee,

I was just about to send you a PM to ask you to post here. I hear you on number 6. Holy crap. Well, actually, on all of them. Especially numbers 1 through 5! And to tell the truth, I'd love to hear more on all of them if/when you feel like telling. Will you guys invite the people you see regularly to post here? I'd love to see this list grow. I have a selfish reason. I want to be able to bring it up and read it whenever I'm feeling low. I have HUGE respect for everyone who posts here....

Thanks,
Bob

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#409836 - 09/11/12 01:26 PM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Completely unexpected reaction Bob. THANK YOU. Until you mentioned that, I don't think the I'd had any gut awareness of the depth of the situation and I'm still processing it at this moment. Wow. Made my day.

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#409880 - 09/12/12 02:28 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 948
Loc: southern California
The hardest and bravest thing I ever did was to stop subjecting myself to a cruel, abusive and hateful family. It took me until age 47, but I finally reached the point where I could endure no more. I had given all I had, including my savings, my retirement account, my home, my career, and my soul.

Throughout my childhood I was indoctrinated to believe that love means absolute obligation, unselfishly and sacrificially giving, and literally giving my life and all I have to narcissistic people, just because they are the family unit I was born into. It was the power my father had to sexually and physically abuse me, and the power the remaining family members used to cover it all up. I continued to 'honor my parents' into adulthood, by granting their greatest wish: keeping silent and portraying a wholesome, evangelical Christian family.

When I had nothing but the very last ounce of dignity, I took that thimbleful, ceased communication with the abusive people, and turned to face the wrath of God I had been brainwashed to believe I would have coming to me if ever I cared for and protected myself.

If anyone has 'forgiven' their pedophile parent or sibling and that person continues abuse in different forms, please, for your sake and those who love you, leave those people in your past. I learned a valuable lesson:

Martyrdom is NOT a noble character trait, nor is it the earmark of integrity. It is voluntary, unnecessary, unfruitful self-victimization.[i][/i]
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#409918 - 09/12/12 10:40 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Wow, Keith. Can I ask a followup? What, specifically, did you do when you took that thimbleful of dignity and saved yourself? Where were you? How hard was it? What were you afraid of? What did you discover?

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#410082 - 09/14/12 12:59 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 948
Loc: southern California
Do you mean, what did I do literally, or what did I do to mentally?
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#410097 - 09/14/12 10:41 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I mean literally. Like what happened?

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#410102 - 09/14/12 12:20 PM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
Began to fight back in terms of working to become a voice for boys and men by speaking out, sharing my experiences, fighting to get resources locally (which still hasn't happened, but I keep fighting), and by looking for opportunities to share my story in order to raise awareness.

Two biggest opportunities so far were with my church and on an international radio talk radio program.

I fight, I realize not just for others, but for what I need too.

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#410120 - 09/14/12 05:16 PM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
JustScott, that's wonderful. Thanks for sharing. I appreciate your post, and I'm checking out your blog and stuff. Thanks.

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#410156 - 09/14/12 09:58 PM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Robert1000

....."They make you FAT!" And then I ran out of the house. I think that was the beginning of me fighting back and pushing away the sexual abuse in my life. I swear to God it was an involuntary act, but I also think it was one of the bravest things I've ever done. I was terrified of that horrible pervert!
Bob


I love it!

For me the bravest/best things were:
1. Submitting to the abuse and torture at the camp for almost two weeks without cracking up.
2. Continuing on with life, especially returning to school (7th grade). One science teacher wrote to me: "To the angelic little angel..." Little did he know I'd completely lost that innocence. I suppose I seemed innocent to him. Why?
3. Starting 10th grade in a new and socially difficult school when I couldn't talk and had severe emotional problems from abuse. After eating my lunch alone in the huge lunch room, I would find an empty classroom and sometimes cry. Finally I told (wrote a note) to the social worker. She arranged for speech therapy. Then after a couple of months I told the speech therapist 'I really can talk...' She arranged for me to see a child counselor.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (09/14/12 10:17 PM)

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#410214 - 09/15/12 05:12 PM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 948
Loc: southern California
My sister, who was assaulted alongside me by our father each week when we were growing up, lived all of her adult life in the home of our perp/father. She never held a job, never worked.. was socially and psychologically dysfunctional. After our mother died in 2000, my sister was alone in the house with our father in his 80s at that time. She began unleashing an unholy revenge on him.
He retaliated with antisocial and passive aggressive behavior.
The drama increased over 4 years as I tried to referee them, tried to help, tried to manage their storm and create calm. They each retaliated by turning on me. The abuse from both of them increased as I kept having heart to heart talks with them, explaining that if they kept increasing their cruel behavior toward me, it would drive me away. They responded by disrespecting and demeaning me all the more after each discussion.
My sister was consumed with vengeance against the family and hatred for our father. My father realized that the statute of limitations had passed for prosecuting him under California law, so he pulled out the stops, laughing and mocking me in public for the symptoms he'd given me to suffer. He knew I would not publicly divulge WHY I had these symptoms. I pleaded with him in private, explaining the lasting and long reaching pain and suffering the symptoms and his mockery induced. He would apologize or sit silent, and predictably increase the intensity of his mocking my symptoms in public. Sometimes he did this within moments of my heart to heart talk with him.
I held in their for 5 years until I honestly could not take any more. I had begun fantasizing of suicide just like I did when I lived under his roof in my teens. I was emotionally and financially drained from helping him. I truthfully had nothing more these people could take from me, and I had nothing left to give. I had no choice but to save myself.
I made one last appeal to them together, and they responded by coming at me together with false accusations and anger, clearly seated in the fact that I was taking away their audience and key enabler.
From then on, when I heard their voices on my voicemail, I deleted the message without listening. I didn't need to hear whatever it was, even if it was a cry for help; because their cries for help were ALWAYS a set up to draw me back in for more abuse. No more. When an envelope arrived from them, it didn't make it into the house. I dropped it in the trash bin by the street, unopened and out of mind.
I learned later that they had attempted to retaliate by phoning extended family members to berate me and spread false claims against me in an attempt to turn relatives against me. It didn't work. My relatives know me, and they knew my sister and father. An aunt told me that my sister had laughed that she had put my mailing address on every piece of junk mailing list she could find. That gives you a clue as to the mentality of this woman, who was in her 50s during this time.
The end of my sister's story came when she met a man, an unemployed financial predator, who moved into my father's home with my sister. He lived there cost-free for 7 years and charmed my father, promising my father repayment for living expenses and promising my sister marriage. Neither happened.
At the 7 year mark, my sister began to realize the control the man had over our father and the financial draining he was involved in (from my father's accounts), and his manipulation in getting me and my brothers disinherited in his favor. My sister made phone calls to friends and relatives, trying to figure out how to get him out of the house. She expressed she was fearful of physical retaliation if she broke it off with him.
She was alone in the house with him New Year's Eve 2008, they had an argument, and she was dead by morning. The man phoned paramedics hours after the death. His story was sketchy, he told the coroner he used to be a sheriff's deputy (verified untrue), and the coroner and the doctor, under the persuasion of the man, signed off the death over the phone.
The man took charge at the hospital, portraying himself as a loving fiancee, and made arrangements for a burial without an exam. He isolated and manipulated my father into signing all necessary papers.
The body was buried without even a blood test. The family requested an investigation for 23 months and was ignored by the sheriff-coroner dept. When we insisted on an investigation by launching a letter campaign, the sheriff-coroner department came at the family with threats and intimidation, stating that they would not investigate the death, that their only intent was to "make this go away."
Within weeks of my sister's funeral, the man produced a new fiancee, moved her into my father's home, they wed, and the two live there now awaiting my father's death. He has promised them his estate. The sheriff's department says they find nothing out of the ordinary of this kindly couple "lovingly" caring for my father whose "sons abandoned him."
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#410365 - 09/17/12 10:16 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: pufferfish]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Wow, pufferfish. That's amazing. Telling your speech therapist was amazing. Choosing not to talk? Wow. You went through some hard times. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing.

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#410366 - 09/17/12 10:20 AM Re: The bravest/best thing you've ever done [Re: Robert1000]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
WriterKieth, it's amazing that you've walked away from that messed up situation and sought healing. I'm stunned. Thank you. I've always been impressed by the things you write, your empathy and kindness--especially when I've been desperate for a kind word or remark or an understanding statement. And now I'm just floored. Thank you. Thank you.

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