I am sorry that you and the man you love are hurting so much right now.
I do not know what kind of therapist your fiancÚ was seeing, but he needs to see a therapist that specializes in trauma and/ or sexual abuse.
A therapist that specializes in relationships or marriage is NOT the kind of therapist he needs.
If you are willing to speak to your fiancÚ, please forward this information.
For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping
. Psychology Today
has listings for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents.
Some books your fiancÚ, and you, might find helpful are:
Male Rape: Breaking the Silence on the Last Taboo by
Richie J. McMullen
Male on Male Rape: The Hidden Toll of Stigma and Shame by Michael Scarce
If He is Raped by Alan McEvoy, Debbie Rollo and Jeff Brookings
I agree with giving each other space to work on healing right now.
Your fiancÚ has stated
he is just not who I once knew and that he is a different person. He said that he has turned into a very angry person and he just thinks that it best that he work this out.
It is very common for adult males who have been assaulted and raped to view themselves very differently after the rape than they did before the rape. Many often describe themselves in terms of two different people - one person before the assault and someone they neither recognize, nor like, after the assault, or as life before the assault and existence after the assault.
Like many who have experienced natural disasters such as earthquakes, the worst hurricanes, etc., life if frequently delineated by the event - life before the [list event], and life after that event.
Life can never go back to what it was before the event - back to that sense of "normal." "Going back" to the way things were before the assault are often the wish fulfilling statements that try to eradicate the traumatic experience. "If I could be the person I was before the assault, then it didn't take place, or it didn't affect me...." It is a painful reality to accept that the assault did take place and that one will never be the person they were before the assault. The person is not the same in many respects. He knows, first-hand, how cruel and dangerous people can be; he has been violated; he has anxiety, fear, rage and trauma where none might have existed before. His sense of security in the world has been shattered. His view of himself as a man is being questioned. There is also a grieving process for the person he was before the assault.
Your fiancÚ is full of rage, and rightfully so, but he might also be afraid of that rage. At the least, he doesn't want you seeing him as a rageful, rather than, a loving person.
Though he may never be exactly
as he was before the assault, he can regain a lot of what he feels he has either lost or had taken from him. He can develop a better sense of self esteem. He can feel safer. He can work to reduce his anxiety, fear, rage and trauam. He can again see himself as a man.
He can heal.
Many are under the mistaken impression that "healing" means that you will never again think about the assault or be troubled by discussion of assault in the news, etc.
Healing does not mean you forget. Healing means that you learn how to cope with the feelings associated with the assault and the trauma and no have it have a profound impact on every aspect of your day. There will still be times he will be triggered, but the intensity and the duration will be considerably decreased because of the help he will receive.
He will again be able to see the beauty in life, laugh, have fun, and be spontaneous.
He will also be able to share himself with the person he loves.