* these are triggers for some*

My question is men who are "straight" but having sex with a man why would they have "complete" anal and oral sex. What I mean is to the point of orgasm where one take it in the mouth and in the ass. I have done some reading about straight men "who were abused" who adjust well to having there wives"peg" them and this seems to work for them but other men want the real mccoy and a substitite wont do. I have talked to my husband about this and he doent want me to even try to do this because he said its just not the real thing. Since he considerers himself "straight" why would a straight man want these types of activities done to him. When he was abused there was no anal sex just oral sex between grade school buddies and they were 8-9 so noe cum was involved. just wondering why now he is so obsessed with cum in both those areas?

For me, the acting-out began as early as age 10/11 and accelerated like a Lamborghini. I had literally no "love" in my life. Meaning, I had a never-touch, NEVER hug, family. The violence and mind-molesting may as well have been 24-hours a day, as thats the way it felt due to fear of attack returning at any time.

I was engaging in near constant peer-sex outside the occasional coerced events by the four (then three) older boys (by 4-years). That was both oral and anal, and usually complete for anyone who could stand it at that age. Orgasm at an early age is either a brutal event, or a knock-out from stimulus your body is not yet prepared for.

My frequent trips to 'bed' the lead-perp (Dean, 4 yrs older) was where I could and would fully submit my health, safety and body to his hands. I was fearful. He was self-centered and rather deliberate. I was little more than warm-meat to him, and it always left me feeling hollow and self-loathing. But even there, I eventually learned to expect and enjoy my treatment, as cold as it may have been

For me, the need (need!!!) was "being done." I rarely experienced orgasm, but the submission of my "all" into a psycho-jock's hands was what I demanded and sought. My eventual mega-love for him was not mutual, and very painful for me, especially when he went off to college.

So, long story for filtering down to this: I needed to "be done," and be done forcefully and submit fearfully. I mean crap...I use to cry and shake at many of the 'sessions' with Dean, and I initiated it.

Pretty fkt-up? Hell yeah. but it became programmed into my developing and abused mind that this is my role. Its something I can do for others and do well. I gained acceptance (in my mind only) by/of the very men I could never be like.

It's probably hard, if not impossible to understand this. I'm only now beginning to successfully dissect it into viewable chunks of reason, motivation and human response.

Attempts to be a "good Teen-Christian" kept me greatly (but not fully) abstinent through 5-years of high school. I never considered myself gay. I felt no attraction to boys, teens or men. I even had a GF for a few teen years with constant sex.

I can see why a surface view of this would yield an "actually he's gay," conclusion. Or same-gender-sex = gay. Snot that simple. I bet your guy has not actual attraction to men either, but rather, just "being done...being used."

MY HUSBAND CAME FROM A LOVING CLOSE FAMILY. We met when he was 13 and 15. i got pregnant at 18 and he was a father at 15.5. We raised a 4 great children together. He has never had performance issues with me and he is very loving and caring(emotional) he does nice things for me all the time and we talk about most things. his acting out does not seem to be like other men who were abused. ever time he has had sex with a guy he has been able to perform,get haerd and have an orgasm and after words we felt good about it. He has had no problem getting completley naked with a man. he feels bad because he has been cheating on me.

But I would say as long as he consider himself as hetero and having sex with males (and even more having unprotected sex) that is something that could be very easily described as acting out.
I'm not sure dear Tina would those specific details/questions bring you anywhere. Sometimes there is difficult logic set behind survivor's copying mechanisms to catch it easily.
Maybe you should look to read some of book like Victims no longer or some other.....
If I were you I would be more interested to find what are triggering feelings which bringing compulsion drive. But above all I would bring him here, there are many things written here that could be helpful to him.

Pero

tina,

You already have some great advice, but if I could hazard a guess...???

I was subjected to tease and denial tactics with the end goal of swallowing as much, that you speak of.

I guess the same could be true, even if there was no cum involved during the abuse. A bad analogy might be the "drive" to catch fish. As many of us know the "act" of actually catching fish and trying to catch fish can often look like one and the same thing.

Let's look at the first word in your subject line, that is completed ~or~ completion.
It is well known that abuse is strongly linked to power. His acting out being linked to the cum that he never swallowed in his past. The compulsion to "take it" now is an avenue to make some kind of emotional peace with his past.

Understanding what drives us and being comfortable in our own skin are different sides of the coin. Recovery for me started with reading and continued by joining here as a survivor...

Best of luck...

island

Thanks for the advise. I am still leary because he also told this long term guy he was with that he was "sexy" and "his ass" was hot . That to me tells me he is at least a bisexual because he is atteacted to at least a mans body. My husband is what you would call "hyper masculine" and i feel he is afraid to tell me something other than he is straight. hE has no ill feelings about acting out with men in fact he says he "loves it" meaning oral and anal sex.

Robbie,

A good explanation of a phenom I've seen. Thanks for breaking it down some.

D.