41, married (barely), father of two. I think it's kind of sad and ironic how mid-life has brought all this stuff back up that I thought I'd successfully bottled up. My problem is that a couple of years ago as I became more and more depressed I started banging as many hookers as I could find. Wife found out a month ago and, well... hell hath no fury, you know.

So, Mom had all kinds of psychological issues, but mostly she just never developed mentally beyond the age of 14 or so. Dad hated her (more on him later). I was their only child and her only emotional support. She gave me baths well into my early teens. I hadn't thought about it in years, but now I remember the night before I started the 7th grade. I was outside playing with a friend, a neighbor girl as I recall, and she came out and made me come in for my bath. She spent the whole time in with me, soaped me up and made sure I was nice and clean for school the next day. She would rub my erection with a soapy cloth. She had done this many times, and it went on after that night as well.

Honestly, I hadn't even thought of this as "abuse" until recently when my own son started 7th grade last year. He hasn't had a bath or shower with anyone else in the room for at least 5 years. It's just unthinkable that I or his mother would need or want to clean him. I always hated her for being immature, but never really thought about the physical stuff she'd done. Now I can't stop thinking about it. I'm glad she's dead, but I'm mad that she didn't suffer more.

Fast forward a couple of years to when I was 14 or so and me and a neighbor boy were wrestling around in a tent. All I really remember is being held down and anally raped. I went home crying and told my parents. Dad became enraged at me. Screaming, yelling, calling me a faggot and then sending me to my room. He never really talked to me at all after that until he was dying of cancer when I was 19. The last thing he said to me was "You don't still like men do you?"

And then there was gym class in middle school. I was picked on by a lot of kids. One in particular would hold my head on the ground and alternately punch me in the face until I was bloody and force his fingers into my anus. Coach Johnson stood by and watched.

I have been unhappy and depressed for most of my life. I've tried to self medicate with alcohol, but it has caused unrepairable damage to my family relationships. I hate myself and everyone, except for my kids whom I love unconditionally. My feelings for my wife are more complicated. There was a time when I loved her dearly. I'm afraid I've fucked things up so bad that I just need to accept that she's gone and move on. I'm jealous that she is able to cry. I can't. No matter what I do or think or feel I just can't make myself care.

Thanks for reading

Welcome to MS. You are amoungst friends here and thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find all the answers or help you need. Agains thanks go sharing. It is sad but there are many of us here with similar stories and experiences that you had.

jonzy -

your intro takes me back...
i too had no boundaries in bathing - inappropriate stuff for my age. 1st - showers with step-father - then tub baths from mom.

step-father was always telling me or implying i was queer. funny thing that i was the guilty one - since he was the first to abuse me.

middle school gym class - more abuse - and yeah - the coach knew and did nothing.

so... we definitely have lots in common - and i'm sure you will discover lots more as you become a part of this community. you will find guys here who understand and will not judge - but give you the freedom to get massive loads of garbage off your chest. it had been my life-line.

all the best on your journey!
Welcome,
Lee

Hi Jonzey.

Welcome to the club. It seems to be harder for us if the mother was the perpetrator, I to have many bath time memories that also came back to me in my 40's. This started the onslaught of molestation and rapes in my life, well at least I feel it did.
Healing is possible, if you want it, so seek it with all your heart and soul, and never be afraid to talk about your past and face it. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Strength brother and
Heal well
Martin

Hey Jonzey,

I'm so sorry and upset in reading your first post here. I'm trying hard to not conclude things about your parents beyond what we know. Of course, I identify with you all too well.

Please at least know that people here know what you are feeling. How many places on earth can you go where people actually "get" the feelings of betrayal, shattered boundaries, loss of self, and the rest of the book...

If nothing else, you've found those people. You've found those men and boys. And one of them is in New Hampshire, hurting for that boy and his grown man.

Welcome Mr J.

Glad you made it.


BDGD

Hi MrJonzy,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

Incidents such as those you experienced by your mother are sometimes difficult to categorize as abusive or sexually abusive. However painful, it is good you are able to see what your mother did was not only grossly inappropriate, it was sexual abuse.

I hope you can see your father's last words to you as evidence of the fact he never understood that you were violated, nor that you have been hurting since that time. Sadly, his question to you may have been delivered with the intent of causing you more harm. I am sorry his ignorance about sexual abuse and the devestating consequences that result is a viewpoint too often shared - that what happened was a "choice" and not an assault.

What you experienced either from your mother or from that other kid was NOT YOUR FAULT.

Abuse is the fault of the person / people perpetrating the abusive behavior.

You do not say whether or not you are in therapy. If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter.

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew.

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in January.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous

Sorry you had to go they that Jonzy. I hope you can heal and find help here

Hi MrJ.: Sorry your life feels messed up right now, and sorry that your childhood sexual experiences left wounds that have not healed. I managed to throw my mother out of the bath routine when I was 10. I wish you courage and patience. You are not alone.