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#409184 - 09/06/12 08:29 AM Why do my dreams alter what happend
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Ok here it goes,

I have read many post close to what im going to say. I have always had dreams about my abuse and they have always betrayed what I know to be true. I was abused at the age of 12 by my friends 19yr old brother. It was not violent but at the same time unwanted. He was able to get me aroused as well as ensuring I climaxed. This was the first time I had ever climaxed and I would be lying if I said I didnt find pleasure in the orgasm. He groomed me for quite some time but I didnt offer up much resistance this was not the first person to abuse me and I didnt have a family. My mother passed 3 yrs earlier and my father pushed me out of the house.

So now to my dreams, they are increasingly vivid. The more this issue is at the forefront of my mind the more I have them, they become more and more intense. In my dreams I find myself reliving the abuse only now I am a willing eager active participant. These dreams have become so erotic at times that when I wake up I turn to my wife to immediately engage in sex to try and prove to myself that im not getting off on this... things are getting to complicated in my mind.... I wish I could just go back to the time when I was not consumed by all of this....
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#409213 - 09/06/12 11:16 AM Re: Why do my dreams alter what happend [Re: jay75]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
jay75 -

first, sorry about what you went through as a kid. you definitely had some tough stuff to deal with.

second - i don't claim to have the definitive answer for you. from what you said, i understand that your dreams used to be a reflection of what really happened - including the important fact that it was unwanted, but recently they have become distorted with the implication that since you seemed willing, eager and active in the new dreams - you must have also felt that way back then when it happened - or worse - that you want it that way now.

let me offer another interpretation - you also said that at the time it happened you did find pleasure in the orgasm. i think what your dream is showing is that confusion of something "unwanted" conflicting with the fact that it was also something that gave "pleasure." that is a difficult place to be - feeling like the rope in a tug of war. i have been there - and still visit from time to time.

third - you didn't say if you have seen a therapist or have the opportunity to do that. or how long you have been dealing with the CSA issues. to me it sounds like what i was going through when if first opened the lid of pandora's box and started facing my issues. EVERYTHING became sexualized. i had repressed it all for so long that it came back to bite me with a vengeance. it was confusing and disturbing. but it didn't necessarily mean anything more than that i was feeling lots of stuff very intensely and was mixed up from the assault - like you say - consumed. maybe that is what is going on for you?

fourth - i've often wished i could turn back the clock to before i started this long and bumpy road of recovery. but when i think back honestly on what it was like then - it wasn't really better - just familiar. i believe you will find your way out the other side and it will be better.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#409219 - 09/06/12 12:17 PM Re: Why do my dreams alter what happend [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
-Lee-

Thanks for your input, yes I did go see a therapist but I wont be going back any time soon. My comfort level is zero when it comes to divulging things of a sexual nature to another man face to face. And yes this has all turned very sexual, I assume due to the very nature of this issue. I have been dealing with CSA for a long time (25yrs) but I was able to keep it all, (my emotions) under controll but these last few months have been overwhelming. I have never "acted out" with another man, the idea does make me cringe...but when I see a man that reminds me of my abuser it turns very sexual in my mind.. lately I have been very very sexualy active with my wife, but rewind the last 7 years and its a diff story intimacy was rare I had serious issues. Now its like it was the first 8 yrs of marraige but with a diff. undertone.

At this point I realize that I have become all sorts of crazy.... and you are right putting it all on a shelf for a latter date is not the answer.

One more on the topic of my dreams. I am the agressor, the initiator and the one in controll....

-JAY-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#409280 - 09/06/12 09:11 PM Re: Why do my dreams alter what happend [Re: jay75]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Jay - your last post sounds almost EXACTLY like my experience. with this exception - i have had the fear of any kind of sexual contact with anyone - even my wife. just recently started go get past that - and want to do more - but still very nervous about it. we are taking it slowly.

sorry about the uncomfortable attempt with the therapist. would a female one be more tolerable? don't want to hammer this too much but my T has really helped me - even though it is a man.

your last point - about you being the agressor in your dreams - may even be a positive sign. consider this - in the original abuse you were NOT the one with the power and control. you were the passive one - the victim. maybe in your new dream you are "fighting back" - in the same context as the original abuse - trying to regain control and self-determination. maybe the fact that you describe yourself as the "innitiator" and "agressor" means that you are taking your revenge - in an imaginary way - giving the abuser a dose of his own medicine. it seems to be about sex - but may be more about who has the upper hand. (even our slang conveys this contempt and disrespect when someone says "fuck off" or "screw you" - it is not sex they are describing but violent, vindictive, negation of the other person's value and integrity.) by this angry dream of "acting out" you are reclaiming your life. and keep in mind the element of dreams that is surreal, non-literal and not at all rational. i don't think that this dream means that you want to become a perpetrator - but that you want to take back ownership of your own life by cancelling out what happened to you - by making the perp your victim - in a fantasy. undoing the past by reversing the roles.

that's my take.
lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#409548 - 09/08/12 09:56 PM Re: Why do my dreams alter what happend [Re: jay75]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1349
Hi Jay,

Lee hit on an important part. The altered / reversed roles in your dream are an attempt to undo the past.

Instead of being the victim, in your dreams you are the one in control. And if one is in control, one cannot be a "victim."

It is the mind's way of trying to deal with what happened, by "rewriting" the abuse experience(s).

Turning to your wife to be sexual isn't so much that you want to prove that you aren't "getting off" on what is happening in the dream as much as it is to "prove" to yourself that you are still in control. That what happened in the dream - you were the initiator and the one in control, is somehow still "real" in the world outside of dreams.

The fact that you, or anyone else, may have responded during the abuse does not mean that you "wanted it" or that you "enjoyed it." It means that your body works as it was designed. The body is designed to respond to stimulation. It does not make a judgement about whether the stimulation is wanted.

The confusion comes from the fact that the body works as it was designed (ie. arousal) when our minds are screaming STOP!! I DON'T WANT THIS!!!! It is the mind that determines whether an action is wanted, not the body.

Many use the phrase "I was betrayed by my body" or some variation of that sentiment. Though one may have desperately wanted to not respond to the unwanted stimulation, the body was not the betrayer.

The betrayer was the person / people who were touching you without your consent.

The frequency with which you are thinking about this issue may be your mind's way of telling you that you need to deal with it. Something is trying to come forward, and it wants your attention in a big way.

I find it interesting that you consider dealing with the abuse as "keeping the emotions under control." I used to think that if I could keep my emotions under control, not only was I dealing with the issues, but I had in fact "conquered" them. Perhaps your mind is telling you that you can handle the emotions that you have been working so hard to keep controlled. That it is time to really deal with trauma and the pain in a way in which you have not done before.

I know you said you had a bad therapy experience. As Lee suggested, perhaps you would be more comfortable with a female therapist. Whether you have a male or female therapist there are just some topics that are difficult to discuss. A good therapist will listen without making you feel judged, embarrassed or humiliated. They will listen objectively and treat you with dignity and respect.

If you decide that therapy may be something you will try again, you may find the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping helpful. It gives a list of questions to ask a potential therapist.

Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Your county rape crisis center is another therapeutic option. Services are free to county residents and some also offer groups in addition to individual sessions.





Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#409696 - 09/10/12 11:08 AM Re: Why do my dreams alter what happend [Re: jay75]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Lee &Anom,

Thank you both for your insight. I greatly appreciate everyone on MS and their continued support.

As for looking for another T im not sure if I can vommit my life and problems out to either gender. Ive never had a panic attack in my life but that day I feel I did and that scared the crap out of me. I know I need to find someone but I cant go there. I feel im to old for this, that my mind cant handle what my lips will tell a T and I will lose "me" in all of it.

I can identify with everthing you both said totaly makes perfect sense!!! Thanks again for such well thought out responses as well as your time...

-JAY-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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