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#409513 - 09/08/12 02:44 PM Sincerity
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
I'm hoping that any survivors who read the F&F board can give me some insight.

My husband told me about his CSA three weeks ago. We've been separated for a year.

Since finding this site I've seen our story play out over and over again in other peoples lives, the difference being they are still together. As such, I have come to question my husbands sincerity in marrying me.

I feel he married me for the same reason he left me - to run away, to escape, out of the belief that with the right person he can forget it ever happened. His holding line to me about his life before me, all of it, was "it's in the past, it doesn't matter". He says he loved me in one breath but in the next says he doesn't know what love is or if he knows how to love.

Although this is more about my feelings than his well being, and acknowledging thay only he knows for sure, is it possible that he would married me for the sole reason of escape?

In one part of my soul I believe he loves me, but there is also a lingering belief that our marriage was all about his desire to run. I say this because although he confesses that he always comes up with stupid reasons to leave a relationship after a certain length of time, he continues to stay away. As in, there's no valid reason to leave our marriage but I'm gone anyway so I'm staying away. As I read this over before posting I think man, he's a mess.

Then there's the hot and cold. He wants to lend me some tools so i can finish a project on the house, and we're supposed go fishing next week, but his tone in emails since last week has gotten so terse that I'm not sure I want anything to do with either.

It's mind boggling to think that someone would marry to escape, but then it's also mind boggling that someone would leave a marriage for the same reason.

Anyway, any indication of the lengths a person would go to to run away, to escape would be helpful for me.

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#409514 - 09/08/12 02:52 PM Re: Sincerity [Re: northernflicker]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1248
Loc: kansas
nf,

from my perspective, that of a survivor, i know that before all my abuse memories came back to me, getting therapy etc., that i knew there was some things wrong with me and so on...

i used to think that if i was married, which is what i always wanted out of life, that all the issues i was having would go away. that my life would turn out normal. that things would work themselves out on their own....

well, after many failed relationships, and having my abuse memories come back, getting therapy, i've come to realize that even though i loved the women i was in the relationship with, it would've never lasted because my issues were still there....

it was then, also, that i realized that for me to have any successful relationship/marriage that i needed to work on me, work through my issues and get the help i really needed...

now, i'm not sure the same is true for your husband, however, i know for me that is how it is...
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#409516 - 09/08/12 03:15 PM Re: Sincerity [Re: northernflicker]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
I wonder if survivors in general "escape" by entering relationships. It seems to be the opposite from what I have seen on these boards. Would love some feedback on that...

On a different note, NF, please try to control your thoughts and keep them positive as they relate to your self esteem. This constant questioning of your value to him is a game that will only hurt you in the end. Just grab hold of those thoughts and try to keep your mind from working them over and over again. You have value. You are lovable. You have compassion. You are not defined by him.

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#409518 - 09/08/12 04:13 PM Re: Sincerity [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Thank you both for responding.

Obi - what you say resonates with me. I believe in part that my husband felt that with the right woman, a strong woman, it would all disappear. It's also true for him as well, as you say, that until he slays his demons hes no good to any partner. I see others here who remain in their marriages while working through their issues and I wish that could be us. But alas, all roads are different. The question of why he told me of his CSA a year after leaving rings strong in the context of this. It's difficult for me to reconcile these things.

Esposa - I understand where you're coming from with regards to codependency, but truly my self worth doesn't hinge on my marriage or my husband. I think for me knowing that relationships are an escape or a coping mechanism for him will help me to move on more easily. This is the only way our split makes sense, if that makes sense. There really and truly was no forewarning. We had a really good life and I accepted him unconditionally, warts and all so to speak.

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#409536 - 09/08/12 07:28 PM Re: Sincerity [Re: northernflicker]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59

NF,

I wondered the same thing after the relationship with my survivor ended. At the time, he wasen't in therapy so he couldn't help me in finding closure for us. Like your husband, he would tell me he loved me but other times he'd tell me he felt he wasen't sure he ever loved anyone.

It was explained to me that sometimes a survivor will desire love and relationship so strongly that it is a physical ache, all the while he'll go to great lengths to push it away.

In my opinion (at least in my situation) I believe my survivor had feelings for me, that he felt for me what his perception/version of love was. But since his perceptions were twisted and damaged a long time ago, like Obi said...the relationship would have never grown or lasted. He hadn't the tools it required to maintain a "love" relationship.

I can look back now and imagine what it must have been like for him. Wanting what seems to come so easy for everyone around him, yet always waiting and knowing it would fail. It must have been emotionally exhausting for him....in his quiet time feeling he couldn't give me what I needed/wanted and eventually I would leave. And at other times since he didn't know what he really wanted or felt, how could he be happy with me or anyone?

"Escaping" sounds the same as running. My boyfriend and I would break up and then he'd come back and want to try again. He'd tell me, "I am so tired of running. I want to be with only you". So, yes maybe your husband found your marriage as an escape from his sadness and pain. Maybe he saw you as that, "safe" person who could save him. I think that's what my boyfriend was hoping. Even if he didn't consciosly realize it at the time. As the relationship went on he would tell me he "needed" me, more often than he told me he loved me.

His issues or the behaviors that result from them, has nothing to do with you... I know your head already knows that but in time your heart will feel it too. When that happens, you will have true peace and forgiveness for both yourself and him.

Love,
Julia

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#409539 - 09/08/12 07:40 PM Re: Sincerity [Re: northernflicker]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1248
Loc: kansas
julia,

the part of your post where you said

"Wanting what seems to come so easy for everyone around him, yet always waiting and knowing it would fail. It must have been emotionally exhausting for him...."


THAT WAS ME!!!!


i used to say to a buddy of mine, many times, why is it so easy for every other guy, but for me it's like trying to drive a 10" railroad spike, through a concrete block with the only tool to use would be my hands...

pretty much impossible...
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#409540 - 09/08/12 07:49 PM Re: Sincerity [Re: northernflicker]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
My first marriage was because I was in college, a freshman on the baseball team, and she was a senior in high school and it was te " right thing" to do. It was anything but right. My second marriage was because I truly found a woman that I enjoy. We do everything together. So I can answer your question, in my case anyway, that CSA played no part in my getting married. I have 2 other friends that have been thru CSA and they didn't get married because of CSA or what you stated either.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#409541 - 09/08/12 08:16 PM Re: Sincerity [Re: northernflicker]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Thank you Julia. My husband would whisper in my ear "don't ever leave me." I said I wouldn't, and I didn't, and up to now I haven't. But more and more lately, even or especially with what i know now, I'm thinking what's the point? But if I do shut and lock the door it simply confirms his f'ed up view of things.

The end of our relationship was like suicide by cop - he set me up to throw him out by cheating, something he knew I would never tolerate. For a few weeks he kept coming back until I challenged him to tell the truth, and that was it. His reasons for cheating and leaving at the time seemed ridiculous - didn't feel like my protector, didn't feel like a man with me, I would never change (what I don't know), among others - but now it appears he was talking about himself not me.

My husband outright refused to work on our marriage, and without knowledge of his CSA or any other discontent I had absolutely zero chance as his wife. I'm kind of pissed off about that, while at the same time sensitive to his pain. I'm not sure what to do with that. I married in good faith and feel duped. Our marriage failed for no other reason than he wanted it to.

And at the same time I want to protect him. He literally walked out of the lives of some of his closest friends and family who adored him and in a year hasn't looked back. It's bizarre that he can chop off like a cancerous limb the guy he fished with almost every weekend for five years. Just gone. Like a death. They all think my husband took me for granted. They have NO IDEA what is at he root of this. I've taken the high road since our split, fortunately as it turns out.

Thank you all. As usual very helpful and supportive. It means the world to me.

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