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#409580 - 09/09/12 10:59 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
My body memories are:


Rectal pain that feels very very real.
Pain in different parts of my genitals that also seem very real. I had it checked, nothing's wrong.

Sometimes I feel a hand strangeling me around my throat. Sometimes a hand choking me, a big hand over my mouth and nose. Sometimes it is a feeling of a big persons weight over me, like someone's lying over my chest.

I want to say the body memories are much much less troubeling now after my years of healing. I think body memories were the first to decline. So there is hope. Nowadays I just feel it from time to time and then I can calm myself down by knowing where they come from.

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#409634 - 09/09/12 09:47 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Blessedcurse]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
BC

Yes, understanding the thing helps a tremendous amount.

Calming yourself will lead to the body memories subsiding. Some therapists know how to help you.

DID would be expected from your childhood. Does your T know how to treat it?

It seems as though you would have to take all of them to therapy. They are there even if not identified.

Yes, in my case dissociative disorder contributed substantially to the body memories thing. I didn't identify it at the time, but my body memories of ab contractions probably were when I was in a certain alter.

In my picture in this thread it is possible to see that I had a different emotional system in the two sides of my face. DID.

Puffer

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#409677 - 09/10/12 09:16 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
iambubba Offline


Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 31
Loc: Canada
I can feel his hands on my back rubbing it. I feel the roughness of his beard scruff on my back as well.I have a scar at the base of my penis from it being pulled on so hard it split the skin at it still can burn. my throat hurts the muscles on the left side of my neck constantly feel bruised if touched and theres always tightness there. I still every once and a while can feel the weight of his body on me that is suffocating makes me shake like I did when I was a kid.

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#409682 - 09/10/12 10:10 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Body memories. Physical memories. This is an interesting thread. You guys really know how to start the week off right!

Well, hell. Let's get down to it. It's a strange sensation, having a physical memory. I used to think I didn't have any, because I didn't think the term "physical memory" applied to what I felt. I remember once hearing about a kid who put a firecracker in a cat's butt and lit it. Supposedly, the cat died from the explosion. Weirdly, I can identify with the itching pain and then the explosion and then the horrid violated feeling that the cat would have felt, supposing it had lived. And then that terrible lingering aching soreness.

I was reading a news story about a guy who abused a pair of girls at one of those in-home day cares. The girls, anonymously, used words like "weird" and "funny" to describe what he had done to them. When I read those words, I had the strangest feeling, because I remembered being a kid and, in my head, using those same exact words and phrases to describe to myself what was happening to me. I also remember feeling that I was bored. I also thought I was dying.

Now and then, too, I can distinctly remember a feeling like a piece of wood in my mouth. I also remember that I felt like I was a million miles away from myself. Like my body was some foreign object far away from my mind. I now understand that as a typical reaction of a survivor called dissociation (right?) or disassociation. (I can never remember which.)

I also have a memory of liquid on me or in my mouth. At the time, I thought it was pee. It felt weird. (There's the vague descriptor again.)

Hey guys, I want to add something, though. Therapy can and will help those memories fade. And the other lingering effects will fade, too. I remember getting this crazy feeling when I was an early teen or maybe 12 or so. This was after the abuse, but not more than a year or two. I would get this building feeling of panic and freakiness inside, and I would shriek and scream, like at my brother, ostensibly for teasing me. I wouldn't be able to even find words in those moments. I would just shriek and scream in his face.

For some reason, those things are all related to me.

Bob

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#409697 - 09/10/12 11:09 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Weird that's what.

I was standing or walking somewhere and suddenly this hand was on my back, It felt like one of my perps, the way he touched me. One of my other perps was afoot fetishist, and would sometimes feel him licking my feet when I went to bed.
The other thing is smells, I would smell aramis and feel this hand on my back. Still hate aramis to this day.

Heal well
Martin
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#409703 - 09/10/12 11:45 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1753
Disturbing--feels like the abuse is occurring again. Feeling the sensation of his touch, breath and pain he caused. It seems I am the child again.

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#409722 - 09/10/12 02:17 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
That's just damn spooky, KMCINVA. I thank god I don't think I can remember any smells associated with that fucked up shit. I don't know if I could handle that. (Well, I could, I guess. I'd have to. But the idea is damn intimidating.)

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#409723 - 09/10/12 02:21 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I should add, too, that the teenager who abused me, with my T I call him the "German kid," because he was German, duh. Anyway, the German kid would always say that what he was doing was fun. He'd say we were practicing for when we'd fuck girls. I was 10. I wasn't remotely interested in girls. I was far from pubescent. But that idea, that someone would say something was "fun" when it so absolutely was not... that to me is almost a physical memory, in the sense that I can almost see and feel exactly what it was like when I heard those words.

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#409870 - 09/12/12 12:24 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: pufferfish

I was also chronically stiff all over, or tense if you will.
...The two sides of my face were different because I had acquired a more severe dissociative disorder. I was a very unhappy kid.



We were playing music from the Phantom of the Opera tonight (actually yesterday's night). I was thinking about this post as we played the theme of the "Phantom". The Phantom was abused as a child (brought out in the movie version but not the stage version) and disfigured on one side of his face.....Do you suppose.....? The Phantom's theme is usually played by the musical instrument I play.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (09/12/12 12:52 AM)

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#409891 - 09/12/12 05:51 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
frozen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 22
Loc: Europe
Trigger warning!




Hi
My body remembers touching,grabbing,hitting,pouncing etc. I can smell and taste their sweat and se... feel knife on my troath.But most disturbing is the feeling of movement inside my torso.Its like alien inside my intestines. Nothing had worked, I tried alcohol and other stuff, hurting till extreme pain. I have been now about 3 years in intense therapy and medication,docs have checked my whole body several times with out any real findigs. I have had many names for my symtoms( IBS etc.)But that alien,it's still there in my body and brain. It is moving and driving me nuts.

Peter

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