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#409498 - 09/08/12 11:06 AM penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!!
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1303
Loc: kansas
please note that there is a


TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!!!!



to this thread.













































hopefully, this is enough of a buffer before i start into my post.


i was extremely humiliated, traumatized, teased and so on about the size of my genitals, by my abuser during my abuse. it's profoundly affected my self image, my self esteem and so on. it was made worse from future ridicule that i received from others during my teen years as well. the constant reminders from societies views on what makes a man, from advertisements of mens underwear, to jokes made about size in tv shows, movies and so on... all to say that men with average to larger genitals are part of what defines a "man", and that men with smaller genitals are to be considered not "man" enough.

i've learned, over the course of this past week, that i'm not alone in this. that there are others that have similar issues, that i do, in this area that have stemmed from their abuse as well.

yes, for some of us, our self image about our genitals have been brought on by our abuse. just like many other self images have been brought on from abuse.

i'm posting this topic looking for support. there have been others that have posted previously expressing the same issue. i have received MANY pm's from other users here expressing that they too have the same issue, but due to feeling so much shame about it, i completely understand how you feel that shame because i felt it too, did not want to publicly post their shame but wanted to read the responses from others that were able to post in the hopes of getting help themselves...

yes, i want this to be a productive post/thread. i, along with others, are looking for support and any thoughts, ideas, things that worked for others, to be able to work through this self image issue.

thanks for any, and all, support and uplifting advice on this issue.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#409524 - 09/08/12 05:48 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I hope this thread is permanent, because I know I am not alone in struggling with this issue. Due to recent events, it is even harder for me to summon up the courage to admit here that I have a small penis...but I want to help support my brothers who also have an unhealthy and/or ashamed view of their manhood.

My brothers to whom this thread is dedicated, I am like you and I do understand. You are not alone.

I have no one that I can talk to about my shame and the effects that it has had on my life (my virginity being only one of them), and that hurts...it makes me feel alone. An outcast carrying a dark secret that no one wants to hear and/or help me with...and most of us know how that feels already.

I feel like less than a man...afraid of exposing myself...afraid of BEING exposed by someone (being "pantsed", for example) for fear of being ridiculed (which you can BET would include taunts and teasing about being "not much of a man"). I was bullied mercilessly in childhood and my teens - enough that I made myself sick fearing being naked in school locker rooms (which thankfully I never had to do). If I had been ridiculed about my small (and by the way, uncommonly uncircumsized) penis back then, my already fragile self-esteem would have been completely destroyed, and I would have killed myself long ago. This is a serious issue for me.

I've never called my penis a "dick" or a "cock". I never felt it was big enough for that. Makes me sad...like an outsider.

As Todd said, there are (in my opinion, harmful) references everywhere that proclaim "bigger is better". And yet, I see NO resources/support for men who are smaller (aside from dubious lengthening techniques, which involve too many horror stories).

I'm sorry I keep bringing this issue up, but you guys are the only ones I can talk to about this. PLEASE help me and your fellow brothers who suffer from this by adding your advice and support. Even if you have no advice, just letting us know that you care and/or understand is VERY helpful.

I have freed up room in my PMs in case anyone wants to message me directly. Please feel free.

Your loving brother, as always,

Bobcat

P.S. - I'm really sorry if I offended anyone with my first post.

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#409525 - 09/08/12 06:12 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Bobcat / Obi,
I am sorry if I offended yall..That was not my intention. I hope y'all can understand it was in no way an attack on you or your condition. I do feel sorry that you guys face this issue. I really didn't read all of the post but seen the title" support men with small(er) penises". It did kinda trigger me but after seeing that you were made fun of about this during your CSA I came to realize it is a genuine issue for you. So I am sorry if I offended you guys. Looking back I see that I probably should have just not said anything but I hope y'all do see my side of this also. I was not trying to offend really but I knew it may come across that way. I hope we can forgive a forget and move forward.
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#409531 - 09/08/12 06:53 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1303
Loc: kansas
apology accepted.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#409535 - 09/08/12 07:26 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
For me, the shame-based self-image brought on in me by CSA totally attached itself to my penis, and everything related to it. From it's lack of size, to how I MB, and to how I see myself in relation to normal sex, the essence of what I've felt is shameful about me seems to have centered itself around my penis, its size and its functioning. When you think about this it makes perfect sense. It was at the center of my CSA. The connections in my brain that were made between it and negative emotions (in particular shame) and arousing stimuli were ingrained, for me, at a very early age (7 or 8), the age of my abuse. Looking at this from a learning theory (Pavlov) point of view, you can say that I've associated my penis with a shame-based identity during the time of my abuse. Never thought of it like that, but it sounds correct. I have found that the more I work on trying to accept myself (with all my mistakes, weaknesses, and imperfections) the less shameful I feel in relation to that particular part of my anatomy.

Casmir


Edited by Casmir213 (09/08/12 07:32 PM)
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#409538 - 09/08/12 07:33 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1303
Loc: kansas
that's an interesting thought, casmir....

seeing as it is a self image thing, at least for me anyway, i can see how your theory could come into play...
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

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#409545 - 09/08/12 08:51 PM * [Re: Obi]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:06 PM)

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#409546 - 09/08/12 08:57 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1506
Loc: New England
Obi,

WB and good for you standing up for yourself and making a stand.

Gary

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#409552 - 09/08/12 10:26 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
My body image was destroyed. James bullied me when we first met. He was 14 or 15 and I was 5. Then he engaged me sexually over the course of 1.5 years. I came to associate sex with love and acceptance. I have suffered from sexual dysfunction, pornography and sex addiction, and yes my penis is smaller than the average.

Everything sex related has been shattered. I am not sure how to put it all back together, but I am doing my best. I also have a very difficult time being on the receiving end of a sexual experience. I start feeling like I am disconnecting. I have to make conscious effort to be part of the moment.

Re-learning the sexual aspects of ourselves takes a tremendous amount of awareness in trust in not only ourselves but our partners as well. Vulnerability feels extremely dangerous. But it is necessary to overcome the shame we have carried with us for so long. I have to believe that there are compassionate people willing to take part in rebuilding our sexual selves. And until I meet that person, I will wait patiently.

I can relate Obi and Bobcat. Thanks for sharing, heal well brothers.

Daniel,
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#409575 - 09/09/12 10:18 AM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1303
Loc: kansas
thank you guys for chiming in with understanding and support...

it was said to me yesterday that there might not be any immediate answers, BUT being able to have a positive discussion about it with others that are going through similar issues does help....

i completely agree... just knowing that there are others out there, here on ms, that have expressed to me their same issues, support and understanding here in this thread, and also pm's, has been helpful for me in that at least i know i'm not alone in this struggle and perhaps together we can figure out a way to get through this for all of us...


Edited by Obi (09/09/12 10:19 AM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

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#409582 - 09/09/12 11:39 AM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1399
Loc: California
I think I might have something to contribute here;

While I don't feel I have a small penis, I was born with crossed eyes. Very obvious for everyone to see. And I was ridiculed for it mercilessly.

After reading these threads, something dawned on me about the commonalities of our physical attributes and how CSA colors our ability to see our physical attributes.

I judged myself (and still do) pretty harshly for having such unbecoming eyes. Crossed. Ew. What a nightmare. I didn't even like looking at myself in the mirror because I would see the crossed googly eyes looking back at me. To top it off, I see double as well. So I grew up seeing images of myself fractured (doubled) because my eyes aren't aligned.

When I was being abused, there were VERY STRONG message about what was acceptable and lovable. People who are pretty are acceptable and people who are not pretty aren't. I grew up thinking this same thing and even started establishing this as criteria for who I would befriend (pretty people) and who I would not (people who were not pretty).

This also meant that because I had crossed eyes, that *I* was NOT pretty and NOT lovable. But I was *LUCKY* to be getting the "positive" sexual attention I was getting from my molester, because I was unlovable, and he was choosing to love me anyway.

It's pretty twisted, isn't it? But that's how CSA warped me. My IDENTITY was completely dependent on this one characteristic of my physical features, and I was humiliated and ASHAMED of this. I could do nothing to make it better, and I was constantly ridiculed.

The truth of the matter is - the last time I was REALLY ridiculed (someone actually SAID something or teased me) about my eyes was when I was much much younger. Ever since, it's just been my own judgment and my own hypersensitivity about having crossed eyes.

I see others who also have crossed eyes and I wonder how they can be married and happy and have families and not be bothered by their gross crossed eyes?

This question makes me wonder how much self judgment is causing me to feel the embarrassment and shame I currently carry, since the ridicule and teasing ended 30 years ago.

That's what I got.

So glad you guys brought this up again. We can't recover unless we uncover the secrets and the shame. KUDOS to you for bringing this into the light of acceptance.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#409586 - 09/09/12 12:25 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Triggers, sure.








Smaller penis size and CSA
---

Besides the humiliation from an abuser, which is emotional abuse (considered the worst abuse a person can suffer--words hurt more than most realize), I think smaller penis size can actually be caused by CSA as a defense mechanism in some people. Emotional growth certainly can, and often is, stunted by CSA so why not physical growth the same? As emotions get better, it would also be possible to develop that area, like others, further. The brain is a fascinating thing. Since we only use 10-15% of it, there is no way to understand it more 10-15%. I'm not so sure psychology understands 1% of it let alone 10-15% so I never denigrate an idea without cogitation. I don't know this is truth and is just supposition at best. But, the more accepting and secure in ourselves we are, the better growth can be. Babies can't survive without touch, positive touch, and that's a fact. Humans can't either and emotionally wither without it. Definitely something to think about.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#409587 - 09/09/12 12:37 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1303
Loc: kansas
thanks guys for keeping this a positive thread with some great thoughts added to the discussion...

certainly has me thinking about what's been posted. taking it all in and processing it. going over it in my mind and looking at it throughout my life.

i can definitely see some of the things in my own life that has been expressed here by others...

this is definite food for thought... much i can use to go over...

thanks everyone for the great contributions so far... it's helping me to feel somewhat better about myself and also feel supportive...
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#409615 - 09/09/12 05:17 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I would also like to add, that pornography has done much to shape my view of what a man looks like. As my brain comes down from those images (over a month now) my self image is improving. I also summoned the courage to talk to my dad and brother about my penis size, and it turns out that it seems to be common for all of us. We are not alone in this.

I just want to mention that penis size when someone loves you. Love is the acceptance of all idiosyncrasies. It takes a certain degree of trust to get there, and that is hard to come for us. But when we ultimately do allow ourselves to be loved, much of the shame we have about those parts will begin to fade away. The focus will be on love and we love with so much more than our groins. My two cents.
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#409631 - 09/09/12 08:31 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Very interesting subject, thanks for posting it. While I fall into the "average" category, I found it interesting what a poster said earlier about not being able to refer to his penis as a "dick" or a "cock" - those words feel foreign to me as well, as does even "penis" - it's more like an "it" to me. I don't really feel comfortable with any word for it.

One aspect of the abuse is that I have no memories whatsoever of ever masturbating like you would think a normal, healthy teen boy would go through as part of normal sexual maturation. I simply didn't ever do it. The abuse started at 12 before I entered puberty, so by the time you would think that I should have been into normal sexual discovery I had already found that this part of my body was a really bad thing that I didn't want to have anything to do with. When creep #2 came along and turned things sexual at 16, I can remember doing things with him, but again, have no memories of simply with myself.

I don't mean to distract from this thread, but I think it's important how we look at how the abuse impacts our thinking about our genitals and their function, whether they are "adequate", "useful", etc.
_________________________
Eddie

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#409642 - 09/09/12 10:28 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3365
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
it is good to see civil deep discussion here of a very sensitive topic

I have had issues with my penis as far back as my memory goes...

my uncle started grooming me at a very young age through sexual play - of course his penis was much bigger than mine due to his being 8 years older than me - I don't have any clear memory of him ever directly shaming me for my being small and smooth but with him being big and hairy I just "knew" that I was innadequate "down there" and it was deeply ingrained into my mind somehow (perhaps due to the many repeated times of seeing his compared to mine at that time)

I still fight with not feeling adequate "down there" - my wife says it's just fine - but I know it's small (in the military you cannot help but see hundreds of other mens) - yet she still loves me - love is so much more than what we have hanging between our legs

I agree with Eddie - it does seem more like just an "it"

has taken me years to understand that "it" is just a small part of the whole "me"
_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#409645 - 09/09/12 10:42 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 507
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I like the interesting insights in this thread!

phoenix321's reply made me remember something a survivor once told me here at MS. He told me about the power of positive thinking. He has the same issue facing others of this thread, and he talked about an exercise to try:

He would stand naked before a mirror and compliment his body. He would force himself to focus on his positives and only compliment his body. He usually started at the top (his head) and work downward (to his feet).

When he got to his penis, he would compliment it by saying things such as, "You are well-formed", "You are mine and I'm glad to have you", "I will protect you", etc.

He did this (daily, I think) for several weeks, and said he felt his body was responding positively. He said he felt his penis had grown a little, increasing in length. Not much, but a little.

It might sound silly, but who knows? Might be worth at least a try.

Letourski's reply also made me think of something. Porn stars are usually hung...but there are sites that display men with normal or even smaller penises. Erectionphotos.com is one. Seeing those photos - and finding one that looked a lot like mine - helped me to feel not quite so alone in my issue.

Thank you all for contributing to this topic, and for Obi for starting it.

Your loving brother,

Bobcat
_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#409686 - 09/10/12 10:31 AM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3351
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Body image is a really complex issue that bothers nearly everyone to some extent. For some it is height, for many weight, others are concerned about proportions, while many are obsessed with the appearance of a specific part. For years I thought I had a big nose. It wasn’t true but I was very self-conscious about it. On the other hand, I liked my height – which was just right – neither what I considered too tall or too short – by my own definition. Some other guys thought I was too short.

Penis size anxiety is something that most guys have to a degree. And if it is not the size, it is the angle of erection or the shape of the head or if it’s cut or not or how much hair they have or… some other detail.

It is the most private and intimate part of us and we protect and guard it as much as we can. It can become a symbol of our identity. Because of abuse experiences some of us feel either extreme shame and an instinct to hide it or overcompensating pride in flaunting it. And because of the abuse - which usually targeted that part, a lot of our attention gets focuses on that part – both our own and/or those of others.

My feelings are completely contradictory and very illogical.

The first abuser in my life was the step-father and his seemed huge and scary to me as a 5 ½ year old. I was a miniscule nothing compared to him. I didn’t want to be like him but I was oh so cognizant of the difference between the two of us.

Because I matured very (abnormally) early, by 11 my penis was much bigger than the other boys my age and got lots of attention because of that. I hated that and was totally embarrassed and humiliated by the difference between myself and my peers. I felt like a freakish huge man’s organ attached to a little boy’s body.

That notoriety also brought me to the attention of the biggest bully and jock at the school. He was a muscle-bound teenaged Hercules who ruled everyone with intimidation, reputation, athletic prowess and charisma. When he heard about me he had to check me out for himself. it was terrifying. His henchmen made sure I didn’t escape as I was scrutinized and compared. He was as much bigger compared to me as I was compared to my classmates. To re-assert his status and prowess, he had to rub my face in it – pun intended. I felt tiny, insignificant, and inadequate.

I was totally confused and disoriented. Which was I? Abnormally big? Or abnormally small?

At 13 – the last time the step-father messed with me – and it had been quite a while since the last time that I remembered – I was surprised and shocked to discover that I was bigger than he was. He never tried anything again. I don’t know if our respective sizes had anything to do with that. And now that I think of it – this is a perfect example of how it is all relative. The guy who gave me my first inferiority complex ended up smaller than me. But I never felt superior about it. Just confused.

Now I am starting to realize – the answer to the questions about if I was too big or too small was - Neither. I am normal for myself.

The rest of my body eventually caught up with my penis and I ended up being pretty average. No other details, thank you. But I still have times when I feel very inadequate. And there are other times that I feel too obviously endowed. I know that my body image is totally distorted – like anorexics who thinks they are fat. That has led me to check out porn for comparisons – a fatal error guaranteed to make anyone feel inferior – unless you are one of the porn stars yourself! But there are also some small organ fan sites that could make me feel quite “superior” – if I wanted to give in to the culture’s brainwashing. And I discovered that the vintage stuff from the 50s is more likely to be in the average range. I’m actually thankful for some of the stuff I saw online because I feel much better about myself knowing that there is such a wide range – and that some people find all of them attractive.

Most of the time, though - I wish I could forget all that and just accept myself as I am and not be self-conscious about it or even have to think about it. i can tell you that feeling different, abnormal, and freakish is the real problem - whether it is too big or too small. i've felt both - and for me - both were equally horrible. I hate it that even now it is a constant reflex for me to compare.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#409742 - 09/10/12 05:18 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

I have heard a lot about this subject posted here in MS in various forums in the past 24 hours.

I personally do not have this serious issue to you all here.

Probably to the contrary as my only terrifying experience in reference to penis size that as a boy of 14-15 years old was from my aunts boy friend.
I was no longer in the safety of that orphanage/home. I was at the mercy of a new step-father and my "mom." We had moved to the country where my step-father was building a house. We lived in the cellar during the winter in Massachusetts. One night my aunt & her boy friend were visiting and I was in the shower. Now there was no ceiling over each room, just the ceiling that was to become the first floor.
As such I could hear everything that was being talked about, just as they could hear anything that i might be saying or doing.
As I was drying myself off, for some reason, the conversation turned to this 14-15 year old boy and his penis size. What was said that Pete was hung like a horse. Now being a Boston city boy I had a slight idea of what that supposedly meant. Her boyfriend a grown man of around 30 or so built like a brick shit-house. He was going to come into the bathroom and check me out for himself. Well, I was in terror, screaming & hollering that nobody was going come through that door come hell or high water and look at my penis. He tried to open the door and I was pushing with all my might against it. My heart was beating like a drum and my adrenaline was at full strength. He sure was more powerful than this boy was.I told him that I would kill him if he had tried to look at me. Win, lose or draw. For some reason they all told him to let it go and I guess accept the ruling that it was as advertised.
My "mom" sure knew all about it from when I was 5 years old on. As it became the object of her desire. She hated me, but loved my penis. I was considered a worthless & useless boy. But, because of my penis I was promoted to be the "head of the household" at 8 years of age, and all the ramifications that come with that title. Sure contradicts about being useless & worthless.

I'm sure that me yanking on it daily for 60+ years might have something to do with it being like it is.

Perhaps just slightly off it being too small. But being average or above "average" has it's difficulties too.

Big, small, average, we all sure do have issues with penis size. I've seen quite a few in my time as a gay boy/man right up to today. I like looking at them all. No shame, no guilt, no judgement.

What can I offer my brothers, here on this very important & serious issue for you?

Well, the only damn thing that I have left in my life besides my name is, my....................................................
COMPASSION, UNDERSTANDING & HOPE, unconditionally, for you in coming to terms with this issue.

Wishing you all well in healing, my brothers.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.


Edited by petercorbett (09/10/12 05:34 PM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#409843 - 09/11/12 01:56 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
***GRAPHIC TRIGGERS***

As far as child sexual abuse is concerned, I was a very small "grower" compared to my uncle how was a very large "shower"

I am almost positive in this arena, in the fact that I am a prepubescent child vs. a grown adult, there is absolutely no way, I would measure up.

The truth will set you free, and I have been quite honest about being born with herniated testicles. (yes, to be clear, I have one testicle).

All things being equal, I believe the doctor was correct in the assumption that corrected at an early age, I would naturally be assimilated in society. My uncle was a SPEED BUMP.

After the initial shock of the sneaking into my room while asleep (he was basically saying, I can have you whenever I want you).

It was always the same from then on. I initially froze as he wrapped his large hand around my small penis. At some point my reluctant hand would be grabbed to join in on fondling myself. I would get turned on and brought to the edge, where my orgasm would be shut down. My hand was forced upon his large penis...STOP

for those that want to continue...(the rest is in my "Ruined Orgasms and other forms of Denial" post) .

He did say one word to me for the first five years. (he didn't have to) With all the physical conditioning, his point of emasculation and feminization were complete.

In silence, my mind took me weird places were I was whorified into being a girl.

.............................................................................................................................

In conclusion, it is my opinion that "my creator" made me special. I am not a mistake. My androgynous semi-split spirit is something, I actually hold sacred. (who cares if it was nature or nurture, I don't really have the time, to look for answers to questions that make me feel rather psychotic.)

You are not alone. Some of your brothers and sisters are inter-sexed, and others are two spirited...

The important thing is we are all unique and diverse. We are enough.

As far as relationships are concerned, there is a nut for every bolt...


The Child is Gone (Fiona Apple)

island



Edited by 1islandboy (09/11/12 08:46 PM)
_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#418007 - 12/03/12 04:50 AM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
I did it guys, I went yesterday with couple of new buddies to play tennis, and as I've had some lunch scheduled after that I needed badly shower, we played for more than two hours and you know what that means relating to body odorous, lol.
Even I'm not too much ashamed of my body I can say that I'm extremely anxious sensing that someone (especially men but women also) is watching on me and checking me.
Well I gathered some courage and I took a shower in locker room. I didn't get completely naked and walked to shower but rather I left my underwear on and just in front of shower cabin I put it off. It is not big deal but I feel like I achieved some goal, even smallest victory is victory wink

Pero
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My story

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#418059 - 12/03/12 03:49 PM * [Re: Obi]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:12 PM)

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#418067 - 12/03/12 05:11 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
A serious discussion board for small size anxiety / body image issues is Measurection. Lots of guys feel serious heartache when they can't help but notice that Junior ended up with more than they did. There's talk about clothing issues and which friends it is "safe" to go swimming with.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is LPSG (Large Penis Support Group). No joke, people get things assumed about them, especially if they're early bloomers they can attract the wrong kind of attention and get publicly humiliated (or worse). I've seen quite a few serious discussions of CSA there. Be warned - it's got porn-y / hookup-y elements so folks who struggle with "acting out" should use discretion.

I apologize if referring to such sites is not approved of - please feel free to delete if deemed necessary.

So much angst over some gristle that, even if pornishly huge, is still a small part of your body. No matter what you've got there's always a way for someone to make you feel bad about it.

If we're all sharing, I ended up with more than most - but would have gladly traded some back in if it would have let me avoid teenaged excessive male breast development (gynecomastia). You could have an elephant trunk downstairs and still never be respected, never escape the unfathomable humiliation. NEVER showered in gym and wore a t-shirt during the two horrible weeks of gym swim. Guys in the locker room would touch - and pinch - a lot - the pinching was startlingly painful and the lingering pain made me feel weak and feminine. Had those surgically normalized the minute I turned 18 - best money my parents ever spent - but even with a normal male chest it took me years to ever be comfortable changing or swimming or going to a beach, and sort of always remained phobic about my weight / eating for fear if I got heavy they'd grow back (which is impossible - breast tissue not fatty tissue - but that's why its called a phobia and not a doctorial thesis).


Edited by SoccerStar (12/03/12 06:29 PM)
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My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#418074 - 12/03/12 07:04 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3351
Loc: somewhere in Africa
i have been debating with myself whether to post this, and since this thread came up again, i'll go ahead. the first part is clinical. the second half is personal. sorry - it is LONG...

Does anyone know anything about Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)?
I just heard of it recently and looked it up and it sure sounds like me. And probly applies to many others here too.
There are lots more details available – but I’ll quote the parts that got my attention:

Symptoms
Common symptoms of BDD include:
• Obsessive thoughts about (a) perceived appearance defect(s).
• Obsessive and compulsive behaviors related to (a) perceived appearance defect(s) (see section below).
• Major depressive disorder symptoms.
• Delusional thoughts and beliefs related to (a) perceived appearance defect(s).
• Social and family withdrawal, social phobia, loneliness and self-imposed social isolation.
• Suicidal ideation.
• Anxiety; possible panic attacks.
• Chronic low self-esteem.
• Feeling self-conscious in social environments; thinking that others notice and mock their perceived defect(s).
• Strong feelings of shame.
• Avoidant personality: avoiding leaving the home or only leaving the home at certain times.
• Dependent personality: dependence on others, such as a partner, friend or family.
• Inability to work or an inability to focus at work due to preoccupation with appearance.
• Problems initiating and maintaining relationships (both intimate relationships and friendships).
• Alcohol and/or drug abuse (often an attempt to self-medicate).
• Repetitive behavior (such as constantly (and heavily) applying make-up; regularly checking appearance in mirrors; see section below for more associated behavior).
• Seeing slightly varying image of self upon each instance of observing a mirror or reflective surface.
• Perfectionism (undergoing cosmetic surgery and behaviors such as excessive moisturizing and exercising with the aim to achieve an ideal body type and reduce anxiety).
• Note: any kind of body modification may change one's appearance. There are many types of body modification that do not include surgery/cosmetic surgery. Body modification (or related behavior) may seem compulsive, repetitive, or focused on one or more areas or features that the individual perceives to be defective.

Compulsive behaviors
Common compulsive behaviors associated with BDD include:
• Compulsive mirror checking, glancing in reflective doors, windows and other reflective surfaces.
• Alternatively, inability to look at one's own reflection or photographs of oneself; also, removal of mirrors from the home.
• Attempting to camouflage the imagined defect: for example, using cosmetic camouflage, wearing baggy clothing, maintaining specific body posture or wearing hats.
• Use of distraction techniques to divert attention away from the person's perceived defect, e.g. wearing extravagant clothing or excessive jewelry.
• Excessive grooming behaviors: skin-picking, combing hair, plucking eyebrows, shaving, etc.
• Compulsive skin-touching, especially to measure or feel the perceived defect.
• Unmotivated hostility toward people, especially those of the opposite sex (or same sex if homosexual).
• Seeking reassurance from loved ones.
• Excessive dieting or exercising, working on outside appearance.
• Self-harm.
• Comparing appearance/body parts with that/those of others, or obsessive viewing of favorite celebrities or models whom the person suffering from BDD wishes to resemble.
• Compulsive information-seeking: reading books, newspaper articles and websites that relate to the person's perceived defect, e.g. losing hair or being overweight.
• Obsession with plastic surgery or dermatological procedures, often with little satisfactory results (in the perception of the patient). In extreme cases, patients have attempted to perform plastic surgery on themselves, including liposuction and various implants, with disastrous results.
• Excessive enema use (if obesity is the concern).

* * *
Psychological

Teasing or criticism
It has been suggested that teasing or criticism regarding appearance could play a contributory role in the onset of BDD. While it is unlikely that teasing causes BDD, likewise, extreme levels of childhood abuse, bullying and psychological torture are often rationalized and dismissed as "teasing," sometimes leading to traumatic stress in vulnerable persons. Around 60% of people with BDD report frequent or chronic childhood teasing.

Parenting style
Similarly to teasing, parenting style may contribute to BDD onset; for example, parents who either place excessive emphasis on aesthetic appearance, or disregard it altogether, may act as a trigger in the genetically predisposed.

Other life experiences
Many other life experiences may also act as triggers to BDD onset; for example, neglect, physical and/or sexual trauma, insecurity and rejection.

* * *
Personality
Certain personality traits may make someone more susceptible to developing BDD. Personality traits which have been proposed as contributing factors include:
• Perfectionism
• Introversion / shyness
• Neuroticism
• Sensitivity to rejection or criticism
• Unassertiveness
• Avoidant personality
• Schizoid personality
• Shyness
• Social phobia
• Social anxiety disorder

* * *

That was from the Wiki article. It puts things in convenient bullet lists so it’s easier to read. Other sites say very similar things.

Nearly every point sounds like me – except for the cosmetics, medical procedures/surgery and enemas (the last because it was part of my abuse.) as I read through the descriptions it made a lot of sense to me.

When I was under 5, I never gave a thought to my body. It was just there and everything was fine. I was not self-conscious or embarrassed or even aware of my appearance or differences from others, as far as I can remember. After mom married the step-dad, that all changed. He made me shower with him. I was starting to be aware of a contrast and comparison. Especially in the genital area. And that was all too obvious because his were right at my eye level in the shower so the differences were hard for me to avoid. We helped “wash” each other… and the differences became more obvious. I started to feel embarrassment when I was naked. I didn’t like to be seen.

When I had just turned 11, my best friend pressured me to show & tell and he brought another friend. We were all amazed at the differences. They were both small and smooth. I was already (as I now know) adult in size and every other detail. They touched me and I got aroused. That was even more incredible to them. I misunderstood their reaction. They were impressed and envious but I thought that they were the normal ones and that I must be a freak. The differences between us were so dramatic that I felt absolutely sick. I was sure that there must be something terribly wrong with me to be deformed in this way.

By the next day, everyone at school knew about me and I was repeatedly beleaguered by many others with requests and demands to show them, too. I pulled into my shell and tried to avoid these confrontations – but was periodically forced to comply. I became an instant celebrity. I felt like an absolute abomination – a little boy with “huge” s*x organs (only slightly above average for an adult man.) everyone wanted to see me at the max size and would make me show it. and all the attention became very arousing to me. I did not disappoint my eager audiences – though I tried my best to prevent erections.

From that point on, I worried about my disproportionate abnormality. I would try to hide it any way I could – tight underwear, long shirt tails, holding or carrying things in front of me. I worried so much about getting erections that I got them even more frequently because I was always thinking about it.

That was in the spring of my 5th grade. So – I am convinced that I have the biggest one in town – and am mortally humiliated by that. Then comes 6th grade. I have PE in a class with boys my age as well as some older ones. And one of them is older by far – has repeated at least one grade and is big for his age as well. So he must have been about 15 – and also an early bloomer – but he is big all over – a real muscle-man. I was forced to compare myself with him. And he is bigger soft than I am hard. And suddenly I feel tiny and insignificant again – like when I was first exposed to the step-dad.

Now I am incredibly confused. Am I a gigantic freak – or am I a miniscule freak? For some reason, my brain cannot conceive of the possibility that there is any middle ground.

Starting then, I have had a compulsion to compare myself with any other male that I can catch a glimpse of. And nothing seems to be able to reassure me that I am normal. I have researched all the studies and statistics. I have looked at thousands of photos – both clinical and p*rn. I have observed in real life whenever I had the chance (feels really creepy to confess that) – and nothing seems to let me stop worrying about it. I feel compelled to know if I am bigger or smaller than every other guy I see. And I flip back and forth between feeling too big and too small. Even though I know I am just fine – within the usually quoted normal figures – definitely not at one extreme or the other.

I wrote this a couple of months ago. Now I have made peace with myself. I am content just as I am.

Lee


Edited by traveler (12/03/12 07:08 PM)
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#418083 - 12/03/12 08:43 PM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 702
Loc: Southeast USA
.
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Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#418135 - 12/04/12 07:11 AM Re: penis size/csa TRIGGER WARNING!!! [Re: Obi]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Ok I just spent an hour typing a really long reply here and then clicked something and it all went away frown So I'll start again - just know it was better the first time. smile

Will, Lee - I can identify with you both!
(I was just reminded of the name my dad used to call me - Willy. It was not a term of endearment - more of a taunt. (you will see why below).

Firstly my dad was/is very vain. He would also comment on our appearance growing up. I never felt good enough. He would say stuff like I was too hairy....too skinny....to tall....to small...too big....nose too big....ears too big....toes weird...etc. So needless to say I developed some issues with the way I looked. Even today I would have plasic surgery if I could afford it. Now I kind of get that I'm a good looking guy - but that isn't good enough. I NEED to be perfect...maybe then my dad will be proud of me and love me. Anyway this is about penises.

My past is very similar to the other Lee's. From 4-8 I was exposed to my brother's (14-18) full grown penis while I was servicing him sexually. He was huge in comparison to me. I remember there being comments about how tiny I was when he touched me for the first time. So I was Tiny.

Then at 10 puberty hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was the size of an average adult man on a skinny little 10 year old body. I was freakishly huge. At that time an older boy (12) played doctor with me and found my secret. He was just starting puberty and was much smaller in size down there. Like Will, I was uncircumcised which is not common for a male my age in Australia. He was circumcised and became obsessed with my huge uncut penis and wanted to do all sorts of things with it. I was like an amusement park attraction. Sexual stuff happened for the next couple of years. After that I have had a love/hate relationship with my foreskin. I too considered adult circumcision but luckily decided against it.

The ideal of my freakish size became more fixed when the family doctor discovered my 'secret' during a check up. By this time I was bigger still. She fondled my erect penis on more than one occation and the first time even asked my mum to come and have a look. (I have only just realised in the last few weeks that this was not OK) They talked about it not being normal and there must be something seriously wrong with me. The doctor said she thought I might have a tumor in the adrenal glands or in the pituitary gland. They did a lot of tests which all came back normal. So now I am a freak with a huge penis. It was after this that my dad started to call me WIlly.

When I started acting out as a teenager with older men one man in particular was HUGE. He made me feel small again.

So...now that I have grown into my penis and it isn't freakishly big anymore I toggle between feeling tiny and feeling huge (mostly tiny). This was made worse because most of the guys I have been with were the same size or bigger. Not to mention Porn. I was looking at penis size stats today and even though on paper I am above average I still don't beleive it. All the stats must be wrong!! Over the years I have done the exercises and have made it bigger only to find it go back to normal after I stop doing them. It is an obsession with me.

I guess my point is that you don't actually have to have a small penis for CSA to make you think you have a small penis. CSA messes with your mind. It changes the way you think about yourself. Most of us were not fully developed when we were abused so it is only natural that we should feel inferior when compared to our abusers.

Now, I understand that there is a difference between having a 'real' small penis and 'perceived' small penis. But my feelings feel 'real' to me. If that makes sense. I also acknowledge that in the same way that CSA affected my hormones to make me mature early it can also stunt penis growth. Each causes their own set of problems.

I am trying to accept myself inside and out for who I really am - not who my abusers taught me to beleive I am.
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More than meets the eye!

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