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#409348 - 09/07/12 05:32 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1893
Loc: durham, north england
I agree with Mark on this, music can help a lot with altering emotions, but in some ways that is also a destraction.

For me, the thing that helped most was realizing that my own opinion of myself was not trustworthy.


I realized that all those insults that I'd accepted at the time, not to mention some pretty serious emotional abuse at my boarding school (my teacher could've been a dead ringer for Professer umbridge in harry potter), had given me a biased perspective on myself.

I was being like the man hating feminist who assumes any man is automatically evil, or the racist who assumes anyone from race x must be loathsome. Even if such views can be traced back to some sort of experience, ---- like the feminist being the victim of abuse from a man, or the racist being a victim of racial hatred themselves, that doesn't justify the prejudice.

So, I started to regard my own opinion of myself as utterly biased, irrational and over cryticial, and to give it just the same weight I'd give to any opinion based on such flawed grounds.

instead, I try to listen to opinions of people, ---- and animals I trust,indeed I think perhaps my dog reever's opinion of me is a little more trustworthy than my own.

Over time, this has changed things, though I am known to suffer some pretty major relapses (see the topic I posted yesterday), as usual with recovery, it's a matter of just patiently hacking away at that large chunk of ice until it gets smaller and smaller.

I was! recently able to actually and logically say to myself that my voice had improved when i was at singing school last week giving a performance, so maybe something is changing, ---- slowly.

I hope this helps.

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#409349 - 09/07/12 05:38 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Something I got at a meeting once was to ask myself if I'd tolerate someone else treating me the way I treat myself. Changed my perspective a bit and I still have times when I have to consciously ask myself that. But it's worked for me and, yes, sometimes involves Haagen Dazs Dark Chocolate. I'm serious!

(Okay, I'm gonna do the movie thing...and probably hear about it from y'all: "Airport '75" Helen Reddy playing a guitar for Linda Blair and singing, "I'm a Best Friend to Myself")

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#409358 - 09/07/12 09:40 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Just learn to Love yourself, heehe, Naa sorry not that simple. Soooo,........how did I learn to not loath myself?
Well I think I started with the things that I am good at, I am a great security installer and system designer, I am a good Musician, I am I think a good loving father.... So I took these factors and focused on them.

Unforeseen problem is, what if someone comes along that is better than me at these things, Well then I just learn from them. WOWOWW that another things I am good at, learning new things, so If I fail at things I just learn more.

The other thing is trying to look at the good things in my life, we can get so preoccupied by the bad things that have happened in our lives that we dont see anything good any more. So a lot of positive quotes and positive sayings.

Now if only I could learn to be a better husband. (not all things are good)

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
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#409438 - 09/07/12 08:56 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
Ninja_Turtle Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/12
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
I have learned that by developing my sympathy for others I become more sympathetic towards myself. I am often very hard on myself for things that I did when I was younger, for example. But if I saw another kid making the same decisions I wouldn't judge him harshly in that way; I would understand why he was troubled and pity him. Recognizing the inconsistency helps me to see myself objectively.

My wife also helps me enormously by pointing out how distorted my feelings of self-loathing are. One of the most helpful things is for her to point out how ridiculous my perceptions are in a way that makes it into a joke. Being able to laugh at myself releases a lot of the emotional pressure. Letting someone outside of yourself know about your feelings so that they can give you a more objective perspective can help a lot sometimes.

Also, it helps often to recognize that it's connected at some level to repressed anger. It's easier to be mad at yourself than the ones who hurt you.

The difficult thing is that to release the anger you have to also be willing to accept how much they hurt you and how vulnerable you were and how little control you have had over things. I find that religion can help a lot here by putting the suffering in a meaningful perspective.

It also helps to recognize that there can also be a certain level of pride or vanity that we use to compensate for our deeper insecurity. Do we think we're so amazing that we should be perfect and not have problems or flaws?

I understand how hard it is and what it's like and deeply sympathize.

Ninja_Turtle

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#409477 - 09/08/12 05:58 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 55
Loc: PA, USA
I have struggled with this my whole life. It is so "natural" for me to curl into a tight, murmmuring little ball of self hate. If I catch it coming on, I can now deflect it by thinking about other things, or even inventorying my good attributes.
It is harder when i find my self in the middle of it with no warning. I really have to pull myself out of it. Some times it is so strong my only defense is " no one deserves this". If i allow myself to think of myself as I would anyone else, i can fool the hate enough to escape

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#409481 - 09/08/12 06:26 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: Ninja_Turtle]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3296
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: Ninja_Turtle
Also, it helps often to recognize that it's connected at some level to repressed anger. It's easier to be mad at yourself than the ones who hurt you.


Hey - a light just turned on!

that is so true!

i was NEVER allowed to show any emotion when the abuse was going on. it was never ok to be angry at the perp. i think i must have turned it all in on myself. it must all have been turned into self-hate. i still have a hard time feeling and expressing anger against anyone else.

good insight.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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