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#409450 - 09/07/12 10:41 PM .
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:42 PM)

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#409451 - 09/07/12 11:21 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I've sent you a PM.

Yes it was very irritating. It was an automatic response that just happened during mb. I'm sure it was from memories of being tortured and abused. Mine was mostly contractions of my abdominal muscles (abs). But I suppose lots of guys get body memories in their rectal area.

I hope this illustration doesn't offend anybody. If you've ever had a male dog and you rub his back, he has an involuntary response of humping. This is the closest example I can give for it.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (09/07/12 11:25 PM)

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#409453 - 09/07/12 11:49 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1596
Loc: New England
I have no memory of beibg violated anally, only orally. But I have had sensations of rectal fullness...like somethings in there...when there isn't. Usually it wakes me up from sleep when it happens. I wonder....

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#409458 - 09/08/12 12:42 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Metolius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 41
Loc: Oregon
For me, it's an ongoing tightness in my throat. Some of it directly correlates to the one fragmentary memory of being forced to perform oral sex.

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#409463 - 09/08/12 01:16 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:42 PM)

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#409519 - 09/08/12 04:15 PM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:41 PM)

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#409523 - 09/08/12 05:39 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
Mine cause arousal sometimes that I can't control, especially (go figure) the stomach contractions, but of course the feelings of having something up in my prostate shocking my genitals, duh. So, I'm not making this up, or crazy?


LAD

You were apparently tortured with a cattle prod, among other things.

For me the body memories were stomach contractions. The Abs muscles. Nothing complicated. Just during mb the muscles would contract rhythmically. Yes, for me it was unpleasant. It was like a dinosaur from another season in my life and it was acting out of control and without helping in any way. So yes, in that sense it was a memory. But the muscles were what remembered in that case. We usually think of memory as being something we do with our mind. In addition to the abs contracting, there was a heightened response of being excited.

Yes those feelings seem beyond control. The person who did it to me used a variety of things. He used a coke bottle. That was a type of bottle not used anymore. Such bottles were made of green glass and had a tapered neck. They only held 6 ounces, not very much in these "supersize" days. But it was big enough in terms of being forced up the rectum. He stuffed a sock in my mouth and forced it.... That happened the first night. At another time he used his hand. He obtained tongs from the kitchen (such as might be used to remove eggs from boiling water) which he forced up my rectum. Most torture was during mb. He was experimenting. I remember the box he brought from the kitchen with that stuff in it. Pins were in it - I mean the common type of pin used when you buy a new shirt. The box was like the bottom of a new shirt box. I don't remember the pain from the pins. I know one other person who frequents MS also had pins used on him. When pins are stuck in, they have the potential of introducing infection. He found that he could force objects "up" the rectum during sexual stimulation and it heightened the sexual arousal experience without as much experience of pain.

I think that this kind of arousal actually "trains" muscles in the person to contract spasmodically. Then later during mb the response will happen automatically. So I experienced a profound "high" during stimulation. It gradually subsided on it's own. EMDR helped. It would be like the athelete trains his muscles to kick a ball or do other stuff. But here the tummy muscles get trained by sexual activity.

It helped me to get a book or two on it. That helped me not be so afraid of what was happening. Fear was definitely a big part of the problem.

The book I got was: The Body Bears the Burden: Trauma, Dissociation and Disease, by Richard Scaer.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Body-Bears-Burden-Dissociation/dp/0789033356/

Dr. Scaer (pronounced scare) is a psychiatrist in Boulder, CO. This book also addresses the problems the body experiences after a whip-lash injury in a car. I can't find that book right now. When I find it, I'll report more on what it says. When the body undergoes trauma, it learns those terrible and strong responses which it later reinacts or replays with great force.

Puffer





Edited by pufferfish (09/08/12 06:04 PM)

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#409528 - 09/08/12 06:17 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
For once here I am in the dark. I am sorry y'all have these. My body is a broken shell at this point anyway. At 38 and I have had 8 knees surgeries. A shoulder surgery, broken wrist, hernia surgery , abdominal surgery from a car wreck where my stomach and spleen ruptured also had 8 broken ribs. I have has facial surgery from that wreck also. Sony I would rather have pain from those than what y'all are explaining here. I hope y'all can find the answers and help y'all need
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#409532 - 09/08/12 06:58 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Country]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I want to add this link to another guy's (EdfromNY) body memories and pain.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6884#Post366884

I think that his post reminds me that after abuse I had all kinds of muscle mis-alignments. I had a head tilt and I didn't know it until a few years ago. Now that I think about it, I remember that every time someone would ask me to mount a picture or poster on the bulletin board, I would mount it crookedly. That's because my head was chronically tilted. I'm sure it was from the abuse I had at 12.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8646#Post408646

I was also chronically stiff all over, or tense if you will. I had some guys ask me to go bowling with them when I was about 20. I did a terrible job of bowling because I was tense all over.

Below is a picture of me 2 weeks after the camp where I was tortured. I was still struggling with muscle tension and misalignment. Notice I had the head tilt then. The two sides of my face are different because I had acquired a more severe dissociative disorder. I was a very unhappy kid.


All of this is described in the book I recommend in the previous post. Lots of muscle memory problems.

Puffer


Edited by pufferfish (09/08/12 07:27 PM)

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#409534 - 09/08/12 07:26 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I'm still struggling with this head tilt. I have arthritis in the neck bones (cervical vertebrae).

I have had chiropractic adjustments every now and then. Now I know how to align my own neck. I do it several times a day.

Puffer

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#409580 - 09/09/12 10:59 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Blessedcurse Offline


Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 93
My body memories are:


Rectal pain that feels very very real.
Pain in different parts of my genitals that also seem very real. I had it checked, nothing's wrong.

Sometimes I feel a hand strangeling me around my throat. Sometimes a hand choking me, a big hand over my mouth and nose. Sometimes it is a feeling of a big persons weight over me, like someone's lying over my chest.

I want to say the body memories are much much less troubeling now after my years of healing. I think body memories were the first to decline. So there is hope. Nowadays I just feel it from time to time and then I can calm myself down by knowing where they come from.

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#409634 - 09/09/12 09:47 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Blessedcurse]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
BC

Yes, understanding the thing helps a tremendous amount.

Calming yourself will lead to the body memories subsiding. Some therapists know how to help you.

DID would be expected from your childhood. Does your T know how to treat it?

It seems as though you would have to take all of them to therapy. They are there even if not identified.

Yes, in my case dissociative disorder contributed substantially to the body memories thing. I didn't identify it at the time, but my body memories of ab contractions probably were when I was in a certain alter.

In my picture in this thread it is possible to see that I had a different emotional system in the two sides of my face. DID.

Puffer

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#409677 - 09/10/12 09:16 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
iambubba Offline


Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 31
Loc: Canada
I can feel his hands on my back rubbing it. I feel the roughness of his beard scruff on my back as well.I have a scar at the base of my penis from it being pulled on so hard it split the skin at it still can burn. my throat hurts the muscles on the left side of my neck constantly feel bruised if touched and theres always tightness there. I still every once and a while can feel the weight of his body on me that is suffocating makes me shake like I did when I was a kid.

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#409682 - 09/10/12 10:10 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Body memories. Physical memories. This is an interesting thread. You guys really know how to start the week off right!

Well, hell. Let's get down to it. It's a strange sensation, having a physical memory. I used to think I didn't have any, because I didn't think the term "physical memory" applied to what I felt. I remember once hearing about a kid who put a firecracker in a cat's butt and lit it. Supposedly, the cat died from the explosion. Weirdly, I can identify with the itching pain and then the explosion and then the horrid violated feeling that the cat would have felt, supposing it had lived. And then that terrible lingering aching soreness.

I was reading a news story about a guy who abused a pair of girls at one of those in-home day cares. The girls, anonymously, used words like "weird" and "funny" to describe what he had done to them. When I read those words, I had the strangest feeling, because I remembered being a kid and, in my head, using those same exact words and phrases to describe to myself what was happening to me. I also remember feeling that I was bored. I also thought I was dying.

Now and then, too, I can distinctly remember a feeling like a piece of wood in my mouth. I also remember that I felt like I was a million miles away from myself. Like my body was some foreign object far away from my mind. I now understand that as a typical reaction of a survivor called dissociation (right?) or disassociation. (I can never remember which.)

I also have a memory of liquid on me or in my mouth. At the time, I thought it was pee. It felt weird. (There's the vague descriptor again.)

Hey guys, I want to add something, though. Therapy can and will help those memories fade. And the other lingering effects will fade, too. I remember getting this crazy feeling when I was an early teen or maybe 12 or so. This was after the abuse, but not more than a year or two. I would get this building feeling of panic and freakiness inside, and I would shriek and scream, like at my brother, ostensibly for teasing me. I wouldn't be able to even find words in those moments. I would just shriek and scream in his face.

For some reason, those things are all related to me.

Bob

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#409697 - 09/10/12 11:09 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Weird that's what.

I was standing or walking somewhere and suddenly this hand was on my back, It felt like one of my perps, the way he touched me. One of my other perps was afoot fetishist, and would sometimes feel him licking my feet when I went to bed.
The other thing is smells, I would smell aramis and feel this hand on my back. Still hate aramis to this day.

Heal well
Martin
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#409703 - 09/10/12 11:45 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1780
Disturbing--feels like the abuse is occurring again. Feeling the sensation of his touch, breath and pain he caused. It seems I am the child again.

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#409722 - 09/10/12 02:17 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
That's just damn spooky, KMCINVA. I thank god I don't think I can remember any smells associated with that fucked up shit. I don't know if I could handle that. (Well, I could, I guess. I'd have to. But the idea is damn intimidating.)

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#409723 - 09/10/12 02:21 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I should add, too, that the teenager who abused me, with my T I call him the "German kid," because he was German, duh. Anyway, the German kid would always say that what he was doing was fun. He'd say we were practicing for when we'd fuck girls. I was 10. I wasn't remotely interested in girls. I was far from pubescent. But that idea, that someone would say something was "fun" when it so absolutely was not... that to me is almost a physical memory, in the sense that I can almost see and feel exactly what it was like when I heard those words.

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#409870 - 09/12/12 12:24 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: pufferfish

I was also chronically stiff all over, or tense if you will.
...The two sides of my face were different because I had acquired a more severe dissociative disorder. I was a very unhappy kid.



We were playing music from the Phantom of the Opera tonight (actually yesterday's night). I was thinking about this post as we played the theme of the "Phantom". The Phantom was abused as a child (brought out in the movie version but not the stage version) and disfigured on one side of his face.....Do you suppose.....? The Phantom's theme is usually played by the musical instrument I play.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (09/12/12 12:52 AM)

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#409891 - 09/12/12 05:51 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
frozen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 22
Loc: Europe
Trigger warning!




Hi
My body remembers touching,grabbing,hitting,pouncing etc. I can smell and taste their sweat and se... feel knife on my troath.But most disturbing is the feeling of movement inside my torso.Its like alien inside my intestines. Nothing had worked, I tried alcohol and other stuff, hurting till extreme pain. I have been now about 3 years in intense therapy and medication,docs have checked my whole body several times with out any real findigs. I have had many names for my symtoms( IBS etc.)But that alien,it's still there in my body and brain. It is moving and driving me nuts.

Peter

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#409912 - 09/12/12 10:04 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
WOW........ I didnt realize what Body Memories meant...

If im around someone that smells a certain way my mind will put me back to the abuse.
If my back or rear are touched my back arches I hold my breath and im taken back.
If I hear a mans voice in a certain tone my body shutters and im taken back.
If someone whispers in my ear im taken back.

I remember the feel of his touch his smell him inside me and the weight of his body and the sound of his voice. my body reacts to all these things.
unfortunately and I hate to even mention this..... But these things take me to a very sexual place mentaly.... this is why I have always questioned my sexuality. A part of my confusion.

-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#409957 - 09/12/12 05:44 PM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: frozen]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: frozen
Trigger warning!




Hi
My body remembers touching,grabbing,hitting,pouncing etc. I can smell and taste their sweat and se... feel knife on my troath.But most disturbing is the feeling of movement inside my torso.Its like alien inside my intestines. Nothing had worked, I tried alcohol and other stuff, hurting till extreme pain. I have been now about 3 years in intense therapy and medication,docs have checked my whole body several times with out any real findigs. I have had many names for my symtoms( IBS etc.)But that alien,it's still there in my body and brain. It is moving and driving me nuts.

Peter


Peter. I had most of the symptoms you mention a few years after I remembered abuse. For me it was a knife point stuck against my chest, not my throat. Why did my body memories come up after I remembered the abuse? I guess the mechanism in our brains that prevents us from hurting enough so that we can grow up is pretty efficient.

I had the intestine thing when I was 10 (pufferfish story part 4). It happened 24 hours afterward. I don't understand the time-thing.

I also developed IBS but it was related to tensions from the abuse and not directly related to injuries from the abuse itself.

Puffer

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#409959 - 09/12/12 05:53 PM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:41 PM)

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#409962 - 09/12/12 06:16 PM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:40 PM)

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#410010 - 09/13/12 06:34 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
frozen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 22
Loc: Europe
Hi
It is over 15 years from my last rape . That alien thing started when I was about 10, so it has lasted over 30 years. My abuse was rough and lasted years. My first rapist gave me amphetamine, maybe it burned those memories heavily in my brain. I have two kinds of flashbacks. First one is more in my head, another is like bodily flashback, it is lot heavier. As youngster I used to hit my head into wall to end it, it helped for awhile. Many times I planned to cut my stomach open to get it out there, luckily I didn’t .
That arousal thing is heavy, of course I get aroused. It is really difficult to live ”ordinary” life when your body is telling that someone is f…king you in the middle of mall. It is somehow disturbing. Despite all, boring daily routines have kept me alive. For instance, taking dog out couple of times, gives you lot more than fresh air.
Peter

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#410016 - 09/13/12 10:20 AM . [Re: Life's A Dream]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:40 PM)

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#410093 - 09/14/12 09:41 AM Re: What do body memories feel like, in detail to you? [Re: Life's A Dream]
frozen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/26/07
Posts: 22
Loc: Europe
For me, it’s been mostly intestine related, from mouth to bottom. I vomit really easily and have constant diarrhea. All muscles are of course connected, my whole body reacts. Sometimes there is terrible pain in every muscle and joint. It comes and goes. When I was younger I tried to control it. It is waste of time. It’s just behind next corner. Before I came to this site I taught to be unique with my “alien”, but everybody seems to have some kind of ”thing” here.

I don’t like touching, actually I hate it. My wife is only person who can touch me without negative impact; it took really long time to get used to her, to trust her. My children found it funny because I am so shaggy. If someone comes too close I back.
Peter

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