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#409416 - 09/07/12 05:28 PM Validation Needed
Quixote0028 Offline

Registered: 09/06/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Texas
OK, I'm new here and have never really spoken about my abuse, and I'm guess I'm in need of some sort of validation that some of the experiences I have had are not unique.

Here is some background. I was abused by my father from 9-11. I remember alot of kissing and touching and anal sex, but I dont have any recollections of oral sex.

Here are some of the things that I experienced as a child and would like to know if anyone else had similar experiences:

1. When I hit puberty, I remember being terrified that I was getting older because I would no longer be loved. I remember shaving off my body hair to stay young.

2. My first masturbation fantasies involved me being bound, tortured and raped by older men.

Both of these things continue to trouble me. Am I alone?

#409421 - 09/07/12 05:56 PM * [Re: Quixote0028]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 12:06 PM)

#409431 - 09/07/12 08:01 PM Re: Validation Needed [Re: Quixote0028]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi Quixote0028,

My sperm donor was also one of my perps along with so called "Men of God." If there is such a thing, why did he let all this shit happen to all of us?

There was nothing I suffered other than masturbation and anal and oral sex. I had put it all out of my mind and when I realized what had happened to me, I am still at the hatred part with the occassional pity stage.
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#409452 - 09/07/12 11:42 PM Re: Validation Needed [Re: Quixote0028]
Older1 Offline

Registered: 12/19/11
Posts: 63
When I was young, I was anxious about growing up, and I think that was triggered by my sense of shame.

#409467 - 09/08/12 02:14 AM Re: Validation Needed [Re: Quixote0028]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3814
Loc: somewhere in Africa
once again - i had no idea that anyone else felt or did some of the same things as me.

i hated the fact that i was going through puberty and was afraid that i would become like the step-father. i didn't like the hair either - was afraid i'd look like him. of course there was no heredity involved - but what did i know? (to my great relief - and my wife's - i never did grow as much body hair.) i also didn't like the fact that i got a lot of pubic hair very early - which made me an object of curiosity and attention in the middle school locker room and scouts and Y and public pool. when i first realized that it was such an item of interest, i tried trimming it back drastically, hoping no one would notice and they would forget about it if it wasn't there to stare at. but that brought even more attention. it was back before any males did that. i know i was trying to go back in time and be like the other boys my age that were pre-puberty or very early stages. it didn't work.

Quixote - about your fantasies about "being bound, tortured and raped by older men" - those would not have just come out of nowhere. as a kid - how would you even know about that kind of abuse unless you'd been exposed to some very sick stuff? no - i never had that kind of fantasies back then - much safer, age-appropriate and more "normal" ones at the time. it is only since reconnecting with my past memories in the past few years that i have had fantasies that were like reliving the abuse - but in them i am trying to change it to make it more acceptable. those fantasies bother me still - that i would intentionally re-visit those events and try to get any satisfaction out of it.


Edited by traveler (09/08/12 02:53 AM)
Edit Reason: clarity
There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all. - Hamlet, Act 5, sc 2

#409500 - 09/08/12 11:38 AM . [Re: Quixote0028]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:42 PM)

#409501 - 09/08/12 11:40 AM . [Re: Sailor John]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:41 PM)


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