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#409294 - 09/06/12 09:53 PM Tired of Keeping it all Inside
Quixote0028 Offline


Registered: 09/06/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Texas
I'm Neil, 28 years old, and from Texas.

I've finally decided that I'm tired of keeping all of my feelings regarding my abuse a secret and bottled up. Over the past 7-8 years, I've tried to open up many times, but the fear of people's reactions and judgement have kept me silent.

I was abused by my father, but the frusterating part is that I don't have a linear timeline of events. I've read other people's stories regarding their abuse and they can recall the date, time, what they were wearing, etc.

Unfortuntely, that's not the same for me.

I don't remember exactly when the abuse started or when it ended. I do remember certain memories. My father on top of me, the feeling of his stubble on my face and body, and his intimidating stare the morning after.

I feel as though if I know the whole story, I could deal with it, but it's the feeling that I can't remember large chunks of my childhood that has me reeling. I just want to know all that happened.

I guess I came here trying to find anyone else who has the same issue...

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#409301 - 09/06/12 10:08 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Welcome Neil. I ant remember when my abuse started either and only recall bits and pieces of the abuse. I know it stopped around 12. Sorry we met like this buy glad you found the site and realize you are not alone
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#409304 - 09/06/12 10:15 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1506
Loc: New England
Hi neil,

And congratulations on taking a step toward recovery. Your lack of memory is not unusual as you'll find out hearing from others. Keep posting and reading and you'll make progress.
_________________________
"I get up, and nothing gets me down.
You got it tough. I've seen the toughest around.
And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real"
Van Halen

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#409305 - 09/06/12 10:20 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Quixote0028 Offline


Registered: 09/06/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Texas
Thank you so much. I've seen the one and six stats, but I've always still felt like I'm the only one going through this.

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#409317 - 09/06/12 10:53 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3356
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Quixote0028
I've tried to open up many times, but the fear of people's reactions and judgement have kept me silent.

I was abused by my father, but the frusterating part is that I don't have a linear timeline of events. I've read other people's stories regarding their abuse and they can recall the date, time, what they were wearing, etc. ...

I don't remember exactly when the abuse started or when it ended. I do remember certain memories. My father on top of me, ...

I feel as though if I know the whole story, I could deal with it, but it's the feeling that I can't remember large chunks of my childhood that has me reeling. I just want to know all that happened.

I guess I came here trying to find anyone else who has the same issue...



Welcome, Neil!

Congratulations on taking this big step. it does take courage. and - no - you are not the only one - sadly, you are far from alone in this.

find someone with the same issues? - you may have just hit the jackpot. many of us have been or are now in the same situation.

me - it was a step-father. missing chunks of chilhood - pretty common here - i had some of that too. for a long time i didn't remember everything. i'm not sure i still have. but i'm at a place now where i know enough. if the rest stays hidden - ok with me. but you are right - it does help to know what you are dealing with.

the timeline issue - the earlier it happened or started, the more difficult it is to patch it all togehter. as i have regained memories - even about non-abuse events that have come back - things start to make more sense - like a picture emerging as puzzle pieces start fitting together.

so - keep at it. don't push yourself too hard or you can make it worse. read, write, discuss - all as you are comfortable with it. lots of good resources on the home page - and a wealth of experience, empathy, encouragement and support from the guys on the forums.

You are among friends who understand.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#409343 - 09/07/12 02:49 AM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1344
Hi Neil,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

Not having memories, or complete memories, for traumatic and abusive events is common. The mind frequently blocks off the information that is too traumatizing or too frightening. Lapses in memory can also be caused by the phenomenon of dissociation. Again, that is a protective mechanism. It is meant to help in the immediacy, though there are consequences for that protection.

There is a cruel irony to all of this. Those who remember would like to forget, and those who do not have all of the pieces would like to remember. Neither position is easy, but it is difficult to deal with events one cannot remember.

In time, when your mind feels like it can deal with the things you endured, your memories (if they exist) will be revealed to you.

You do not say whether or not you are in therapy. If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter.

In My Fathers Arms: A True Story of Incest by Walter A. DeMilly III.

Men Surviving Incest: A Male Survivor Shares the Process of Recovery by T. Thomas.

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore, or on Amazon.com.

Here you will find scientific research and scholarly resources regarding the recovered memories of sexual abuse.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#409393 - 09/07/12 02:54 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 08:32 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#409408 - 09/07/12 04:08 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Metolius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 41
Loc: Oregon
Hi Neil!

Welcome!

I was in my early 30's when memories of being molested by my dad surfaced. All I have to go on are the tiniest of fragments; I don't have a clue whether they represent a single episode or just fragments of abuse perpetrated over a long period of time. As others have already pointed out, there's nothing unusual about your story and your desire to know more than you can access from your memories.

I was almost 50 by the time I started to deal with the abuse perpetrated on me by a priest in my high school and college years. This was not a matter of repressed memories coming back but of processing stuff I could recall but had a hard time calling abuse until I came into a better grasp of what constitutes abuse. Although I can recall specific instances, I have a hard time putting them into a timeline or sequence. My inability to recall in precise detail and sequence was a source of insecurity for me -- maybe my abuse was either less real, less traumatic, or less believable. It was incredibly helpful for me to attend a Weekend of Recovery to find out how normal I am as a survivor of abuse whose memories are incomplete and fragmented. It became a way for me to discover I truly belonged in the community of survivors, rather than it being just one more thing that separates me from others or makes me feel less-than.

I hope you find helpful stories and meaningful connections here.

Jim

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#409429 - 09/07/12 07:44 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
I am also in the same boat Neil.Everything I have been trying to suppress for the past 30 years all came rushing back to me this year...and nothing is clear, everything is fragments and distortions and painful emotions.....it can make you feel like you are going crazy...

...but this place has helped me tremendously. My reactions and emotional problems are shared by others and understood. I have gotten a lot of good advice and just knowing I'm not alone in the world has made all the difference....

Good Luck to you Neil. Keep trying.

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#411117 - 09/22/12 10:52 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
ArchangelMichael Offline


Registered: 09/10/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Amsterdam
It all started when I was a little boy. I felt like there was something wrong with me.
_________________________
This is not the end.

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