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#409294 - 09/06/12 09:53 PM Tired of Keeping it all Inside
Quixote0028 Offline


Registered: 09/06/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Texas
I'm Neil, 28 years old, and from Texas.

I've finally decided that I'm tired of keeping all of my feelings regarding my abuse a secret and bottled up. Over the past 7-8 years, I've tried to open up many times, but the fear of people's reactions and judgement have kept me silent.

I was abused by my father, but the frusterating part is that I don't have a linear timeline of events. I've read other people's stories regarding their abuse and they can recall the date, time, what they were wearing, etc.

Unfortuntely, that's not the same for me.

I don't remember exactly when the abuse started or when it ended. I do remember certain memories. My father on top of me, the feeling of his stubble on my face and body, and his intimidating stare the morning after.

I feel as though if I know the whole story, I could deal with it, but it's the feeling that I can't remember large chunks of my childhood that has me reeling. I just want to know all that happened.

I guess I came here trying to find anyone else who has the same issue...

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#409301 - 09/06/12 10:08 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Welcome Neil. I ant remember when my abuse started either and only recall bits and pieces of the abuse. I know it stopped around 12. Sorry we met like this buy glad you found the site and realize you are not alone
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#409304 - 09/06/12 10:15 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1478
Loc: New England
Hi neil,

And congratulations on taking a step toward recovery. Your lack of memory is not unusual as you'll find out hearing from others. Keep posting and reading and you'll make progress.
_________________________
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

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#409305 - 09/06/12 10:20 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Quixote0028 Offline


Registered: 09/06/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Texas
Thank you so much. I've seen the one and six stats, but I've always still felt like I'm the only one going through this.

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#409317 - 09/06/12 10:53 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: Quixote0028
I've tried to open up many times, but the fear of people's reactions and judgement have kept me silent.

I was abused by my father, but the frusterating part is that I don't have a linear timeline of events. I've read other people's stories regarding their abuse and they can recall the date, time, what they were wearing, etc. ...

I don't remember exactly when the abuse started or when it ended. I do remember certain memories. My father on top of me, ...

I feel as though if I know the whole story, I could deal with it, but it's the feeling that I can't remember large chunks of my childhood that has me reeling. I just want to know all that happened.

I guess I came here trying to find anyone else who has the same issue...



Welcome, Neil!

Congratulations on taking this big step. it does take courage. and - no - you are not the only one - sadly, you are far from alone in this.

find someone with the same issues? - you may have just hit the jackpot. many of us have been or are now in the same situation.

me - it was a step-father. missing chunks of chilhood - pretty common here - i had some of that too. for a long time i didn't remember everything. i'm not sure i still have. but i'm at a place now where i know enough. if the rest stays hidden - ok with me. but you are right - it does help to know what you are dealing with.

the timeline issue - the earlier it happened or started, the more difficult it is to patch it all togehter. as i have regained memories - even about non-abuse events that have come back - things start to make more sense - like a picture emerging as puzzle pieces start fitting together.

so - keep at it. don't push yourself too hard or you can make it worse. read, write, discuss - all as you are comfortable with it. lots of good resources on the home page - and a wealth of experience, empathy, encouragement and support from the guys on the forums.

You are among friends who understand.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#409343 - 09/07/12 02:49 AM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Anomalous Offline
Greeter Coordinator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 1341
Hi Neil,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

Not having memories, or complete memories, for traumatic and abusive events is common. The mind frequently blocks off the information that is too traumatizing or too frightening. Lapses in memory can also be caused by the phenomenon of dissociation. Again, that is a protective mechanism. It is meant to help in the immediacy, though there are consequences for that protection.

There is a cruel irony to all of this. Those who remember would like to forget, and those who do not have all of the pieces would like to remember. Neither position is easy, but it is difficult to deal with events one cannot remember.

In time, when your mind feels like it can deal with the things you endured, your memories (if they exist) will be revealed to you.

You do not say whether or not you are in therapy. If you feel therapy is an option, there are resources available. For help in finding a therapist please read the Consumers Guide to Therapist Shopping. Psychology Today has listings of therapists for all states and counties. You can choose the type of therapist you are seeking as well as the area(s) to which you are willng to travel. Also check your county rape crisis center. They offer services to males and females, at no cost to county residents. Some offer support groups in addition to individual therapy.

There are several books you might find useful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter.

In My Fathers Arms: A True Story of Incest by Walter A. DeMilly III.

Men Surviving Incest: A Male Survivor Shares the Process of Recovery by T. Thomas.

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore, or on Amazon.com.

Here you will find scientific research and scholarly resources regarding the recovered memories of sexual abuse.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous
_________________________
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

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#409393 - 09/07/12 02:54 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 08:32 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#409408 - 09/07/12 04:08 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Metolius Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/12
Posts: 41
Loc: Oregon
Hi Neil!

Welcome!

I was in my early 30's when memories of being molested by my dad surfaced. All I have to go on are the tiniest of fragments; I don't have a clue whether they represent a single episode or just fragments of abuse perpetrated over a long period of time. As others have already pointed out, there's nothing unusual about your story and your desire to know more than you can access from your memories.

I was almost 50 by the time I started to deal with the abuse perpetrated on me by a priest in my high school and college years. This was not a matter of repressed memories coming back but of processing stuff I could recall but had a hard time calling abuse until I came into a better grasp of what constitutes abuse. Although I can recall specific instances, I have a hard time putting them into a timeline or sequence. My inability to recall in precise detail and sequence was a source of insecurity for me -- maybe my abuse was either less real, less traumatic, or less believable. It was incredibly helpful for me to attend a Weekend of Recovery to find out how normal I am as a survivor of abuse whose memories are incomplete and fragmented. It became a way for me to discover I truly belonged in the community of survivors, rather than it being just one more thing that separates me from others or makes me feel less-than.

I hope you find helpful stories and meaningful connections here.

Jim

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#409429 - 09/07/12 07:44 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
Steve0123 Offline


Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
I am also in the same boat Neil.Everything I have been trying to suppress for the past 30 years all came rushing back to me this year...and nothing is clear, everything is fragments and distortions and painful emotions.....it can make you feel like you are going crazy...

...but this place has helped me tremendously. My reactions and emotional problems are shared by others and understood. I have gotten a lot of good advice and just knowing I'm not alone in the world has made all the difference....

Good Luck to you Neil. Keep trying.

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#411117 - 09/22/12 10:52 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
ArchangelMichael Offline


Registered: 09/10/12
Posts: 2
Loc: Amsterdam
It all started when I was a little boy. I felt like there was something wrong with me.
_________________________
This is not the end.

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#411118 - 09/22/12 11:19 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
I think I was 5-7, but I don't remember anything. You're most certainly not alone.
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#411159 - 09/23/12 03:30 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, Neil.

Welcome to MS.ere you will receive compassion, understanding & hope, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends in pain.

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. You are on your way.

Remembering timeline of events is a huge problem for some of us, however it also becomes a stumbling block for us. I suggest to you either buy the book Victims No Longer, by Mike Lew, or perhaps your local library has a copy. It will be of tremendous help for you. Here I will excerpt a few sentences for you. It's in chapter 7, page 106. Credit this to Mike Lew & his book.
"I can't go on with my life until I know "exactly" what happened." Maintaining this belief distracts the individual from the task at hand--healing the hurts of childhood. He becomes obsessed with remembering. Success or failure, health or pathology, normality or abnormality---all are judged by the degree to which the abuse can be recalled.

A competent therapist will be able to bring you along slowly letting those buried memories come to the surface. Your inner child will ever so slowly remind you about the abuse, making sure that you are emotionally & mentally prepared & not to get you too overwhelmed in the process.

So, my fraternal brother, Neal, wishing you well in healing.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Pete..Irishmoose.
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#411162 - 09/23/12 04:32 PM Re: Tired of Keeping it all Inside [Re: Quixote0028]
GT13568 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 123
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: Quixote0028
I don't remember exactly when the abuse started or when it ended. I do remember certain memories. My father on top of me, the feeling of his stubble on my face and body, and his intimidating stare the morning after.

I guess I came here trying to find anyone else who has the same issue...


Hello Neil,

Your words ring very true to me. I was 47 when I could finally face what my dad did to me, and I began with similarly fragmentary memories and only feeling that something was wrong, that something had happened to me when I was a kid. I have gotten back some memories and have been told things by a family member that I don't recall.

In the absence of more, I have learned to trust my feelings regarding the abuse and not require the evidence of memory. Learning to trust myself has been the biggest struggle in my life - and the most powerful thing I have accomplished.

I think trust is what abusers take from us. There are huge amounts of doubt in all the stories I have read at MS - of events, of feelings, of self worth - and yet the evidence is that these are brave, strong men, men I respect. I wondered whether this meant that I might be equally brave, strong and worthy of respect... Finally I had to believe in myself and stop searching for facts. It was that or let the abuse win. It takes a leap of faith every day.

Over the past five years I've come a long way. I have spent a lot of time here, at MS, often simply as a visitor, reading and taking comfort and strength from the stories of men like you and me who are finding our ways. The wealth of experience in this place is an unmatchable resource, as you have already found in the responses to your post.

As petercorbett said, the next few years will be "the emotional roller coaster ride of your life"

I am glad to meet you, you are brave and strong. You made your way here, and you are strong enough to look for answers, you will make your way through. And when you it's difficult, ask for help and encouragement. The people in this place are amazing.

Geoff

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