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#409279 - 09/06/12 09:11 PM How do you stop hating yourself?
traveller Offline


Registered: 09/30/09
Posts: 27
Loc: Sydney, Australia
So many of my problems and issues come back to the fact that my perpetrator instilled self-loathing in me that just won't go away, no matter what happiness and success I have in my life. I'm going to go back into therapy now cause I have just had another lapse but do any of you have any techniques that work in helping you to not hate yourself?

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#409281 - 09/06/12 09:15 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
I face this too my friend. Just gotta man up an push thru it is what works for me. I think about the Vets that have lost lives and limb for me to be free. That makes me feel better and luckier.


Edited by Country (09/06/12 09:16 PM)
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#409284 - 09/06/12 09:17 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
My point being , find something that you can go to immediately to help you feel better
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

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#409285 - 09/06/12 09:20 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
someone to talk to
write a letter
read a book
for me - music - get engulfed in music and I can for a while forget the world, forget how much I despise myself and my life and just ...be.
as for "man up" ... I'm not even sure what that means
_________________________
the story
    https://1in6.org/men/bristlecone/mark-krueger/

Kirkridge - October 2008
Alta - September 2012
Alta - September 2013

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#409287 - 09/06/12 09:22 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
For me, it started with a deliberate choice to learn how to love myself.

But how?

Learn.

And I'm learning very very slowly. By stepping outside my comfort zones, listening for every murmur of my heart and its emotions to tell me what it likes and doesn't.

It also means trying to estaablish and develop relationships with loving people who care about me. Not so easy to accomplish given our history. I've found that I'm getting a lot of that support from Alanon.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#409292 - 09/06/12 09:38 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
CloudyFalls Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/12
Posts: 170
Loc: Ohio
This is a question that nags me all the time. Why do I hate my self so much? How can I learn to accept myself as I am. It's like I need people to validate that I'm worth the air I breathe. I'm working on trusting myself, trying to stop second guessing myself. To think about the good things about me. There's a song I heard, "Hate in a puddle" that pretty much asks the same question, why do I hate myself? It's really ironic how much I can let myself tear me apart, and sometimes it's my own self who is my worst critic. I don't know why that is, maybe because I'm striving for perfection, which can never be reached. I too would like to know how I can stop hating myself.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

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#409296 - 09/06/12 09:59 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
hi, fellow-traveller!

start small - find one thing that you like about yourself. accept that. be thankful for it. own it. cherish it. enjoy it.

that might be difficult - but you can probably think of something if you try hard enough and look at yourself objectively.

i had nice hair - there's less of it now - and not the original color, but still...
i am good at art. other people recognized that.
i could hang on to those and build on them. now my list is getting longer.

another thing i'm learning to do is - believe other people when they say positive and affirming and complimentary things. that is also hard for me. but i am getting better at it. now - instead of just automatically dismissing everything nice that anyone says, because i "know" i don't deserve it - or whatever... i stop and listen and pay attention. they are not stupid. maybe i'm beter than i thought....

it feels really weird - like i should feel guilty for feeling good about myself - but it's just trying to get back to square one. restoring the damage done by the past trauma, conditioning and all the self-condemnation that followed. it takes practise.

i can't instantly change my self-image, but i can help it evolve into something better by nurturing the positive side and starving the negative side. there is slow but steady transition - that i hope someday will become a transformation.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#409298 - 09/06/12 10:01 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: MarkK]
Country Offline


Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 642
Loc: Alabama
Man up is a term used down here in the South quite frequently. I figured most knew what it meant but thank you for letting me know you didn't. I means to dig down deep inside and push thru adversity. I guess kinda like the term " cowboy up".
_________________________
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Top
#409312 - 09/06/12 10:28 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Traveler,

I just recently came to a realization. My self-hatred was instilled in me by my perp. HE defined me as a worthless peice of shit. HE defined me as nothing but a whore to fill his needs. Well where does it say he gets to define who I am NOW? He doesn't! I can define myself (once I figure out who the fuck I I am). Yes those negative voices still play in my head, but I'm learning to tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M NOT YOUR BITCH ANYMORE! Thats whats working for me.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#409345 - 09/07/12 05:07 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
phoenix321 Offline


Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Self-compassion clicked for me. There's a book with that title. I'll look it up tomorrow. Night.
_________________________
Phoenix

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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#409348 - 09/07/12 05:32 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
I agree with Mark on this, music can help a lot with altering emotions, but in some ways that is also a destraction.

For me, the thing that helped most was realizing that my own opinion of myself was not trustworthy.


I realized that all those insults that I'd accepted at the time, not to mention some pretty serious emotional abuse at my boarding school (my teacher could've been a dead ringer for Professer umbridge in harry potter), had given me a biased perspective on myself.

I was being like the man hating feminist who assumes any man is automatically evil, or the racist who assumes anyone from race x must be loathsome. Even if such views can be traced back to some sort of experience, ---- like the feminist being the victim of abuse from a man, or the racist being a victim of racial hatred themselves, that doesn't justify the prejudice.

So, I started to regard my own opinion of myself as utterly biased, irrational and over cryticial, and to give it just the same weight I'd give to any opinion based on such flawed grounds.

instead, I try to listen to opinions of people, ---- and animals I trust,indeed I think perhaps my dog reever's opinion of me is a little more trustworthy than my own.

Over time, this has changed things, though I am known to suffer some pretty major relapses (see the topic I posted yesterday), as usual with recovery, it's a matter of just patiently hacking away at that large chunk of ice until it gets smaller and smaller.

I was! recently able to actually and logically say to myself that my voice had improved when i was at singing school last week giving a performance, so maybe something is changing, ---- slowly.

I hope this helps.

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#409349 - 09/07/12 05:38 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Something I got at a meeting once was to ask myself if I'd tolerate someone else treating me the way I treat myself. Changed my perspective a bit and I still have times when I have to consciously ask myself that. But it's worked for me and, yes, sometimes involves Haagen Dazs Dark Chocolate. I'm serious!

(Okay, I'm gonna do the movie thing...and probably hear about it from y'all: "Airport '75" Helen Reddy playing a guitar for Linda Blair and singing, "I'm a Best Friend to Myself")

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#409358 - 09/07/12 09:40 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Just learn to Love yourself, heehe, Naa sorry not that simple. Soooo,........how did I learn to not loath myself?
Well I think I started with the things that I am good at, I am a great security installer and system designer, I am a good Musician, I am I think a good loving father.... So I took these factors and focused on them.

Unforeseen problem is, what if someone comes along that is better than me at these things, Well then I just learn from them. WOWOWW that another things I am good at, learning new things, so If I fail at things I just learn more.

The other thing is trying to look at the good things in my life, we can get so preoccupied by the bad things that have happened in our lives that we dont see anything good any more. So a lot of positive quotes and positive sayings.

Now if only I could learn to be a better husband. (not all things are good)

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#409438 - 09/07/12 08:56 PM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
Ninja_Turtle Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/12
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
I have learned that by developing my sympathy for others I become more sympathetic towards myself. I am often very hard on myself for things that I did when I was younger, for example. But if I saw another kid making the same decisions I wouldn't judge him harshly in that way; I would understand why he was troubled and pity him. Recognizing the inconsistency helps me to see myself objectively.

My wife also helps me enormously by pointing out how distorted my feelings of self-loathing are. One of the most helpful things is for her to point out how ridiculous my perceptions are in a way that makes it into a joke. Being able to laugh at myself releases a lot of the emotional pressure. Letting someone outside of yourself know about your feelings so that they can give you a more objective perspective can help a lot sometimes.

Also, it helps often to recognize that it's connected at some level to repressed anger. It's easier to be mad at yourself than the ones who hurt you.

The difficult thing is that to release the anger you have to also be willing to accept how much they hurt you and how vulnerable you were and how little control you have had over things. I find that religion can help a lot here by putting the suffering in a meaningful perspective.

It also helps to recognize that there can also be a certain level of pride or vanity that we use to compensate for our deeper insecurity. Do we think we're so amazing that we should be perfect and not have problems or flaws?

I understand how hard it is and what it's like and deeply sympathize.

Ninja_Turtle

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#409477 - 09/08/12 05:58 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: traveller]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 57
Loc: PA, USA
I have struggled with this my whole life. It is so "natural" for me to curl into a tight, murmmuring little ball of self hate. If I catch it coming on, I can now deflect it by thinking about other things, or even inventorying my good attributes.
It is harder when i find my self in the middle of it with no warning. I really have to pull myself out of it. Some times it is so strong my only defense is " no one deserves this". If i allow myself to think of myself as I would anyone else, i can fool the hate enough to escape

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#409481 - 09/08/12 06:26 AM Re: How do you stop hating yourself? [Re: Ninja_Turtle]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Ninja_Turtle
Also, it helps often to recognize that it's connected at some level to repressed anger. It's easier to be mad at yourself than the ones who hurt you.


Hey - a light just turned on!

that is so true!

i was NEVER allowed to show any emotion when the abuse was going on. it was never ok to be angry at the perp. i think i must have turned it all in on myself. it must all have been turned into self-hate. i still have a hard time feeling and expressing anger against anyone else.

good insight.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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