So many of my problems and issues come back to the fact that my perpetrator instilled self-loathing in me that just won't go away, no matter what happiness and success I have in my life. I'm going to go back into therapy now cause I have just had another lapse but do any of you have any techniques that work in helping you to not hate yourself?

I face this too my friend. Just gotta man up an push thru it is what works for me. I think about the Vets that have lost lives and limb for me to be free. That makes me feel better and luckier.

My point being , find something that you can go to immediately to help you feel better

someone to talk to
write a letter
read a book
for me - music - get engulfed in music and I can for a while forget the world, forget how much I despise myself and my life and just ...be.
as for "man up" ... I'm not even sure what that means

For me, it started with a deliberate choice to learn how to love myself.

But how?

Learn.

And I'm learning very very slowly. By stepping outside my comfort zones, listening for every murmur of my heart and its emotions to tell me what it likes and doesn't.

It also means trying to estaablish and develop relationships with loving people who care about me. Not so easy to accomplish given our history. I've found that I'm getting a lot of that support from Alanon.

This is a question that nags me all the time. Why do I hate my self so much? How can I learn to accept myself as I am. It's like I need people to validate that I'm worth the air I breathe. I'm working on trusting myself, trying to stop second guessing myself. To think about the good things about me. There's a song I heard, "Hate in a puddle" that pretty much asks the same question, why do I hate myself? It's really ironic how much I can let myself tear me apart, and sometimes it's my own self who is my worst critic. I don't know why that is, maybe because I'm striving for perfection, which can never be reached. I too would like to know how I can stop hating myself.

hi, fellow-traveller!

start small - find one thing that you like about yourself. accept that. be thankful for it. own it. cherish it. enjoy it.

that might be difficult - but you can probably think of something if you try hard enough and look at yourself objectively.

i had nice hair - there's less of it now - and not the original color, but still...
i am good at art. other people recognized that.
i could hang on to those and build on them. now my list is getting longer.

another thing i'm learning to do is - believe other people when they say positive and affirming and complimentary things. that is also hard for me. but i am getting better at it. now - instead of just automatically dismissing everything nice that anyone says, because i "know" i don't deserve it - or whatever... i stop and listen and pay attention. they are not stupid. maybe i'm beter than i thought....

it feels really weird - like i should feel guilty for feeling good about myself - but it's just trying to get back to square one. restoring the damage done by the past trauma, conditioning and all the self-condemnation that followed. it takes practise.

i can't instantly change my self-image, but i can help it evolve into something better by nurturing the positive side and starving the negative side. there is slow but steady transition - that i hope someday will become a transformation.

Lee

Man up is a term used down here in the South quite frequently. I figured most knew what it meant but thank you for letting me know you didn't. I means to dig down deep inside and push thru adversity. I guess kinda like the term " cowboy up".

Traveler,

I just recently came to a realization. My self-hatred was instilled in me by my perp. HE defined me as a worthless peice of shit. HE defined me as nothing but a whore to fill his needs. Well where does it say he gets to define who I am NOW? He doesn't! I can define myself (once I figure out who the fuck I I am). Yes those negative voices still play in my head, but I'm learning to tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M NOT YOUR BITCH ANYMORE! Thats whats working for me.

Self-compassion clicked for me. There's a book with that title. I'll look it up tomorrow. Night.